


The Wolf at the Door

by Sever_My_Wings



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blood Magic, Chantry turns against Lavellan, Childbirth, Complicated Relationships, Demons, Do we get to come back?, F/M, Love Triangle, Post-Trespasser, Pregnancy, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, This will end tragically, Tragic Romance, Unrequited Love, What happens when you save the world? The world turns against you, Work In Progress, cheating heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:59:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 71,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7719283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sever_My_Wings/pseuds/Sever_My_Wings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An exploration of what happens to Lavellan after the inquisition is disbanded. Rumors of Lavellan's relationship to Fen'Harel grow among the Chantry elite and human nobility across Orlais and Fereldan. Growing fear as more and more elves disappear from Orlais and Fereldan, incite the beginnings of a new Exalted March. Lavellan soon finds herself an enemy of Thedas, running from those that she had put into power.</p><p>This is set post-Trespasser.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Skyfall

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fan-work I'm releasing into the interwebs. I hope someone finds it entertaining. :)
> 
> I'll be updating chapters, to fix typos and in some cases, missing pasages due to cut and paste fails. My apologies in advance.
> 
> Thanks for stopping by.

  _Where do we go from here? My forces…_

_…my power_

_…my friends_

_…my known world_

_…all has been stripped from me._

_[Morrigan’s voice] Beware the heights you reach, Inquisitor…._

_Why didn’t I heed her prophetic warning?_

_[Cole’s voice] You’re too bright, like counting birds against the sun..._

_I couldn’t…I wouldn’t see where all this was leading. Where it would lead me. That I would end up alone…afraid…on the run from those that I had put into power._

Inquisitor Lavellan slumped against a tree. She was breathless….panting uncontrollably. Her lungs burned, her heart pounded against her chest, and her mind was in a cloud. With her only hand, she grasped at the collar of her shirt, desperately trying to catch her breath. Pains shot up her left arm, to her shoulder. As she slouched over, panting, her necklace fell out from her shirt. On the simple gold chain hung a simple gold band. It dangled from her lithe neck. Her left hand burned…or rather the space that used to be her left hand. She cursed the phantom pain that emanated from her phantom limb, and its reminder of what she had lost…no…of what had been taken from her. Her long black hair fell in front of her face, matted from sweat and dirt, from days, maybe even weeks on the run. She had lost count of how many days she had been running from the Templars. Running from herself and what she did to them.

_Fuck….get it together…just a little more….a little further…_

Lavellan straightened herself and stood on her feet. She pressed on, making the attempt to jog with a limp. She stumbled along the Enavuris River in the Exalted Plains. Her path had led her in desperate search for the Dalish clan that used to migrate through the area. She had come across their potential aravel trail, having stumbled upon an area on the river bank that had been rutted out, possibly by wagon wheels. She was hoping with the time of year, they would be near where she found them before, years ago, back when the world, in its madness, made more sense.

_Please….whoever is listening…let them be there..._

She continued along the river bank, stumbling over rocks. She heard voices in the distance. Were they behind her? To the right of her? She couldn’t be sure. She struggled between convincing herself to move forward or giving up and letting the Templars find her. All she could hope for, was that the Dalish would find her first. She worried they wouldn’t recognize her. She no longer had her left arm and her Vallaslin was gone. She was bare faced. Her once beautiful features were marred from weeks on the run, her face gaunt, one of her long ears had been mutilated…cut short. She was a shadow of what she once was, in the span of weeks…or had it been months?.

_Weeks…that was all it took. To render me pathetic. To cast me as a heretic. To have the whole world turn against me…all of this, because of HER._

_[Blackwall’s voice] The most beautiful snakes are often the most poisonous…_

_No…because of HIM._

_[Solas’s voice] Ir abelas, Vhenan…_

As she continued on, she noticed that the voices were getting further away. That, or, she was very close to passing out from exhaustion. The ringing in her ears was getting louder, her vision was starting to tunnel in, and her legs were barely keeping her upright. Only desperation drove her now, some base instinct to survive. She felt that it was by someone’s grace, that her body hadn’t failed her before this moment.

_What’s the point…they’ll eventually find me. I’ll only place these people in more danger, and for what?_

She stopped, fell to her knees. Kneeling at the river bank, she listened to the lapping of the water against the rocks as it flowed past her. Her lightheadedness had caught up to her.

_What’s the point anymore? It’s over. I’m chasing a lie…a dream._

She knelt at the river bank, teetering. She cradled her abdomen with her arm. Tears streamed down her face. The ringing in her ears became louder, the world spun faster, her heart pounded in her chest, her forehead dripped with sweat.

“Andaran atish’an” a male’s voice came from what seemed like far away.

 _Peace.._.

She raised her head, her hair fell back away from her face. She saw an elf in front of her, but her vision had blurred. The man, able to see her face, quickened to her side.

“Aneth ara!” He grabbed her and held her from falling over. “Aneth ara…aneth ara” he repeated softly, lulling her into darkness.

 

* * *

 

_[Solas’s voice]…wake up…_

Lavellan’s eyes popped open. Panic settled in, she did not recognize her surroundings. She sat up, grabbed her chest with her one hand, trying to recover her breathing. She frantically looked around, feeling as though she had just awoken from a nightmare. She was in an aravel. Bright red silks draped above her. She looked down where she sat. She sat atop a fur bed, a wolf pelt covering her. She ran her fingers through the fur. It reminded her of _him._

_[Solas’s voice] I freed the Elven people, and in so doing, destroyed their world…_

Her stomach growled, angry that it had been eating itself for too long. She grasped her belly in pain and with concern. She looked around. There was a bowl, sitting next to her on the floor. She could see steam rising from it. It smelled like root stew, a dish she grew up with back with her own Dalish clan. She continued to look around…no one else was with her.

Hunger took her. She ravenously grabbed the bowl of liquid and began slurping it down, not caring as it seared down her throat. She lapped up the last drops of broth, like a feral cat, licking the bowl clean. She dropped the bowl once she felt there was not a drop more to lap up. She tried to stand up, but as she did, ringing started up in her ears…her eyesight began to tunnel…her heart pounded against her chest. She felt faint.

“Mana!” A male elf who had just entered the aravel, rushed to Lavellan, grabbing her as she fell. She fought against the unknown man but he managed to restrain her. “Mana! Aneth ara!” He said firmly in her ear. Lavellan ignored him and struggled to free herself from his restraint, but it was pointless, she didn’t have the strength. He spoke softly, “Please Inquisitor, you’ll pass out again. You must rest.”

“Inquisitor?” She breathed. She looked at the man who held her. He looked familiar but she could not pull his name from memory.

Seeing her confused look of recognition, he provided her his name, “Loranil, your worship.”

_Loranil…I remember._

“What…what are you doing here?” She barely breathed.

He helped her sit down on the fur bed. He pulled a waterskin from around his shoulder and gave it to her to drink. She gently took the waterskin and drank from it, spilling water out from the corners of her mouth, down her chin. She gulped eagerly.

“Hamin.” He said softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. She abruptly shrugged him off. “Fine, don’t relax.” He sighed, “Your worship…”

“Don’t call me that!” She spat.

Loranil backed up a little and then sat down, distancing himself, “Ir abelas, what would you like me to call you?” She didn’t respond, instead she kept drinking. He sighed and continued, “To answer your question, I’ve returned to my people. I assumed you knew that. After the inquisition disbanded, I returned here. I’m a scout for my clan.” He smiled, recollecting, “It’s a far cry less exciting than working for you, Inquisi…Lethallan.” He watched her as she finished the last of the water. His smile faded, “You look…like you need a lot of food and a lot of rest.” He stood up and left the aravel. “I’ll be back, Lethallan,” He called behind him.

Lavellan wiped her chin dry, having felt a little embarrassed by her base behavior. She looked down at her body and remarked how it barely filled out the clothes she was wearing. The clothes she wore reminded her of Cullen, which smiled warmly at the thought of him. Her smile waned quickly as darker memories took their claim on her mind. Flashes of a cruel Templar man, choking her. Flashes of blood splattering, filling a room. Flashes of her gasping for air. Flashes of her smiling, reveling in dark power.

Loranil returned, carrying a plate of ram meat. He handed Lavellan the plate. She began tearing at it immediately.

“Inquisitor,” He started.

Lavellan gave him a scolding look.

He sighed, “Ir abelas, you don’t like that title either? I wanted to tell you that those Templars that were following you, are no longer a threat.”

She stopped eating, “What?”

“Our hunters lead them away.”

“Led them away where?”

Loranil remained silent for a moment. After a beat he replied, “You have friends in this world still, Lethallan.” He waited for her to respond. Instead, she turned her attention back to the plate of meat. He continued, “Aneth ara, you are in a safe place. You are one of us, and always have been, no matter that you raised the shem chantry and circles.”

Lavellan stopped chewing her food, placing the meat she was holding back onto the plate. She couldn’t turn her gaze on Loranil. His words were hurtful, but were true.

Loranil tried to correct his gaff, “Ir abelas…ir abelas.” He raised his hands up in defense, “Please, that sounded harsher than I intended. Look, I’m not here to debate all the good you have done and the bad that came from it. What the shems say about you now, they only say it because they fear you. What you represent.” Her eyes went downcast, she started to pick at the food in front of her. Loranil continued, “Our scouts spotted you days ago. Slowly, we led you down this path. And we were able to misdirect the Templars. Aneth ara, Lethallan.”

Lavellan looked suspiciously at Loranil. She wanted to trust him, wanted to trust that he was a friend, considering what she had done for him and his clan, and what his support did for the inquisition in return. But the events of that last several weeks have had her question everything and everyone.

She finally spoke, “Why does your clan remain? What with all that is going on?”

“They are getting ready for a long trek. They don’t plan on staying much longer. Tensions between the shems and elves are worse than ever before, in recent memory anyway. The rumors are becoming too dangerous for us to remain.”

“What rumors?” She asked, gruffly.

“The shems fear Fen’Harel’s agents. They assume all those that are elven, must be one.”

Lavellan swallowed a lump in her throat, “Are...you? Agents of Fen’Harel?”

Loranil looked at the aravel’s doorway. He quickly looked back at her, “I’m not Inquisitor, but most of the clan are. The trek they are leaving on? It’s to unite with other Dalish clans. Fen’Harel is organizing an army. Or at least, it would seem to be that way.”

Lavellan was confused, “Why don’t you follow….”

“I won’t follow the Dread Wolf!” Loranil snapped, “I don’t understand them Inquisitor. After all we have done, after all you have done…everyone still just wants to tear this world a part.” Loranil looked pathetic, hopeless.

“Da’len,” Lavellan said softly. She placed her hand on his arm, in an attempt to comfort him. “I need to get out of here. It’s not safe for me here, nor you. The Templars and are looking for those of the inquisition. Even if your clan chooses a path that follows Fen’Harel, we can’t let them suffer because of me. The Templars will be back and I’m too weak to defend you or your clan.”

Loranil’s face became angry, “I know. Fenedhis!”

“Does your clan know who I am?”

Loranil nodded, “They know you, even though you are now bare faced.”

Lavellan blushed and looked away, she touched her hand to her face.

“They are firm in their belief that your bare face marks you as an agent of Fen’Harel.”

Lavellan looked back at Loranil, “How do you know I’m not?”

“Because Inquisitor, their goal is against what you stood for. You can’t be his agent. I don’t know why you’re bare faced now, but I know it’s not because you serve Fen’Harel…” Loranil paused, doubt suddenly gripping him, “is it?”

Lavellan shook her head, “No Da’len, I’m not Fen’Harel’s. Nor will I be, ever.”

“Here,” Loranil pulled out an elfroot elixir and handed it to Lavellan, “Take some of this after you’ve eaten more. I think you can afford to rest a couple of days.”

Lavellan took the elixir and drank it immediately. She wiped her mouth, “Da’len, I need to leave as soon as possible. I have to keep going. The Templars will be back. And there is someone who is waiting on me.”

Loranil contemplated for a moment. Lavellan grew impatient. She carefully stood up, as she did, her pants started to sag. She pulled them up hastily, grunting in frustration, and started her way towards the exit.

“Inquisitor,” Loranil called.

“Da’len, I don’t deserve that title.” She replied, harshly. After a moment, “Please, just call me…Lavellan.”

“Your clan name? What about your first name?” He asked, surprised.

“ _You_ can call me Lavellan.” She repeated tersely.

Loranil started again, “Lavellan, let me get you some proper clothes, maybe some Dalish armor. And how about an ironbark staff?”

Lavellan nodded.

“Please wait here. I will retrieve them for you. Then I must ask, or rather insist…on joining you when you leave.”

“What?” Lavellan shook her head, “No Da’len,”

“You need my help, and besides, I can’t stand by as my people turn to Fen’Harel.” Loranil pleaded, “Not after what I have witnessed in your inquisition. I…” he paused and looked away for a moment. After a beat, “I don’t care for the shems in general, but, not all of them are as bad as the picture our people paint of them. I learned that with my time with you. I don’t want to see this world the way it is now. With us at odds, forever.”

Lavellan remained silent, contemplative. Loranil left the aravel, looking determined. As soon as he was gone, Lavellan fell to her knees, with a long sigh. She was still too weak. Her arm shook underneath the weight of her frail frame. Visions of her friends floated to the surface of her memories.

 _[Cole’s voice]_ _A broken body, bloody, banged on the stone cell, guts gripping in the dark dank, a captured apostate…_

_Apostate…that’s what I am now. No clan, no inquisition…nothing to hide behind._

_[Cullen’s voice] Just now…everything feels like it was worth fighting for…_

“Cullen...” she sniffed, tears welled up in her eyes. She began to cry. She grasped the necklace hiding under her tunic. She squeezed her hand tightly around the ring.

_You promised…to meet me there. You’d better be there dammit!_

Loranil returned to Lavellan sobbing on the floor grasping her necklace with her only hand. He gently placed the Dalish armor on the floor before her.

“Please, change at your convenience. I-I’m sorry to interrupt.”

Lavellan wiped her nose and eyes, “No, ir abelas.” She placed her hand on the armor and tunic. “I’ll change.”

“I’ll leave yo…”

“I will need help.” She said bluntly.

Loranil blushed and then stuttered, “Inquisi…Lavellan, I don’t think that is appropriate.”

“I’m past being appropriate. I can barely walk Da’len,” She said matter-of-factly.

Loranil gave her a nervous smile. He walked over to her and helped her to her feet. He guided her to a mirror at the opposite end of the aravel from the doorway. Lavellan looked at herself for the first time in weeks, since before this new madness began. She was shocked. She barely recognized herself. She touched her half ear. Flashes of that horrific memory returned, a dagger being jaggedly dragged through her flesh, the feel of _his_ hot breath against her face. Her hand shook as she lightly traced her fingers over the still tender wound. Loranil stared at her ear, wondering what or who had sliced half of it off. Her face was gaunt, her olive skin was now more of a green, sickly hue, and her hair was matted. Tears began welling up in her eyes.

“Here, let’s change into this tunic; it will fit you better I’m sure. And it’s clean.” Loranil pulled out the new tunic. Lavellan began to lift her shirt, but struggled to get her shirt up and over her head with her one arm. Loranil wondered why she was wearing what appeared to be a tunic made for a human man. That and the pair of pants she was wearing were far too big for her frame. It would have been even if she wasn’t so thin from starvation. 

“Please help Loranil.” She asked him simply.

He helped lift her tunic up and off her, her body revealed to him. He noticed several scars across her back, her hip bones protruded from her waist, her rib cage was very prominent, and her breasts…. even with how thin she was, they seemed very full. He gulped hard, embarrassed. His gaze quickly left her breasts and travelled down. That’s when he noticed something strange about her abdomen. She was very emaciated but there was a tiny bulge. He thought it odd.

“The other shirt please?” She said, exasperated that he was staring too long.

“Oh! Uh…ir abelas!” He apologized quickly. He helped her get the new tunic over her head, and helped her find the sleeve for her stump. He then nervously helped her remove her breeches. He tried not to stare at her small clothes as her breeches were removed. He held out the pair of leggings he brought and she stepped into them. He then helped her with the armor.

“Ma serannas Loranil. I know this must have been difficult.” She said somewhat sarcastically.

Loranil blushed. “You could use some more meat on your bones.” He laughed nervously.

Lavellan looked at herself again in the mirror. She brushed her fingers through her long black hair and then stared at her missing left forearm. She touched the stump with her right hand.

“I can still feel it…” She said, talking to herself.

Loranil, assuming she was talking to him replied, “The anchor?”

After a pause, she said softly, “…everything.”

_[Solas’s voice] My love…I will never forget you._

Lavellan’s memory of her last moments with Solas, flashed across her mind. His warm kiss on her lips, as he took her arm, took the anchor…and left Cullen’s wedding ring on the ground. Then darker memories came to the forefront…Templars invading her home at the directive of Divine Victoria, driving her and Cullen apart. Her last moments with Cullen as she caged him under their estate, in an attempt to save him. The memory of the Templar who caught her, violated her, and mutilated her…and then of herself, as she resorted to blood magic to free herself from capture…

_How I’ve changed…_

Loranil cleared his throat, “Lethallan, where do you intend to go?”

“How long have I been here?” She asked, remembering the promise Cullen made to her, before they were separated.

_[Cullen’s voice] Find me there, I will wait for you, until the sky falls again, and this world ends. I will wait._

Loranil said simply, “Four days.” He handed her the ironbark staff.

She took the staff and turned to face Loranil, “If you wish Da’len, you may join me. I am to journeying to the Frostback mountains. It will be dangerous, we could very easily die. There will be Templars and possibly Seekers after us. Possibly Fen’Harel agents,” She paused, “I’m not sure exactly where I stand with them.”

Loranil interrupted, “Like I mentioned before, rumor of your Vallaslin being removed marks you as Fen’Harel’s among the Elvhen. You will most likely not be met with resistance.”

Lavellan sighed, “I will not lie to you Loranil, I’m not on any noble quest. I’m not the hero you want me to be. I cannot set whatever has happened here, right.” She looked into his eyes “My time is done. I’m only trying to reach,” She paused, not wanting to admit that she was looking for a human man, and that he was her husband, “…my friend.”

“Your companions from the inquisition?”

She nodded. Her eyes were downcast. Then after a moment, she turned around and grabbed Loranil’s hand, “Ma serannas Lethallin. I won’t forget your aid. All that you have done for me. I wish I could give you more…hope.”

Loranil shook his head, “Inquisi…Lavellan, I still choose to help you. I believe in you, even if it’s a simple quest to find a friend. We are all short on friends these days.” He pulled his hand away and walked towards the exit. “One good one is worth all the trouble.” He smiled hopefully at her.

She laughed a little, “You’re so naïve Da’len. But in this instance, I will agree with you.”

She walked to him and pulled him in close and hugged him suddenly. Loranil gasped but then wrapped his arms around her, giving her small comfort. How he had admired her for so long, and here she was, embracing him. He could feel how thin she was…how frail. He noticed that she smelled like the rain.

“Creators…” he breathed.

“What?” She asked, not having heard his words.

Loranil broke the embrace and cleared his throat. He looked upon her bare face and stammered, “I-I’m ready to leave with you.”

“What about your keeper?” She inquired.

"He doesn't want you here any longer than necessary. I'm to guide you onto a safe path. But...I'll not return."

“I’m grateful for the assistance, and I understand completely. Let’s be off, lest my presence endangers your people any longer.” She and Loranil exited the aravel. It would be the last time she or he would ever see his clan.


	2. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loranil and Lavellan have travelled into the Emerald Graves.
> 
> Loranil makes an attempt to get Lavellan to open up.

“Jump!” Loranil screamed as a giant’s club came crashing down on the ground behind him.

Lavellan cast her static cage to confine the giant, allowing Loranil time to get some distance. She then cast barrier on him while he loosed arrows upon the giant. Lavellan used her staff to rain flares upon the giant's head. She retreated back to Loranil and yelled at him, “Loose one into his damned eye! Closer contact to the brain.” She pointed a finger to her own head to illustrate where the brain was. “Maybe that’ll get the dumb bastard down already!”

Loranil obliged and took aim, “That’s quite the narrow target,” he muttered. Lavellan released a bolt of energy to momentarily paralyze the giant. Her static cage was wearing down, as was her own energy. She couldn’t keep up the pace, and he knew it. He released his shot.

THUMPPFFF! The giant fell, whimpering in pain on the green ground, an arrow poking out from his eye socket. Lavellan walked up to the giant, pulled a dagger from her belt. She then dragged the dagger roughly, across his neck. She watched as his blood began to drain from him.             

Loranil breathless, said, “How many of those things did you have to fight during the inquisition…Creators, they’re terrible.”

Lavellan didn’t even turn to look at him; she continued to stare as the blood drained from the monster, “A lot. I never counted. But there are apparently no shortage of them. And they’re more aggressive than ever.”

“What are you doing?” Loranil stared at her staring at the giant.

She shrugged, not answering him. She watched as the blood flooded from where she cut open its throat. As she watched the blood change to a stream, and the then a trickle, whispers were tugging at her thoughts. She could feel the life force of the creature leave and spill onto the earth beneath her feet. _Such a waste of power_ , she thought. As soon as she thought it, she was met with immediate guilt and terror. Yet she could not look away as the blood drained.

Loranil took a look around his surroundings. They were traveling through the Emerald Graves, headed towards Emprise Du Lion, on their way to the Frostbacks. Trees towered above them and from their canopies, he thought he heard faint whispers. He had a sense of dread and uneasiness spread through him.

“The veil is thin here.” Lavellan said nonchalantly.

“And what does that mean?” He asked.

She turned from the giant and walked past Loranil. “It means, we must be careful.”

Loranil sighed. He was irritated that she was so distant, so cold. Ever since they left his clan, the last warm thing she did was hug him. He hasn’t seen a smile nor heard a laugh from her for days. He spent his time often wondering what had happened to her in these last months as the Chantry unraveled her good work. They walked in silence, as they have since they left on their journey. As he kept looking up at the trees around him, he remembered a story his keeper told him, how each tree represented a life lost during the last Exalted March against the Dales. It was a beautiful but eerie place.

He watched Lavellan, as she used the staff to keep her balance as she walked. She still walked with a limp, probably sore or still injured from her fleeing from the Templars. He heard rumors that Divine Victoria was beginning a new Exalted March, against the Inquisitor and those allied with her. Inquisitor Lavellan, their Herald of Andraste, had been painted a heretic, an enemy to the Chantry and its circles, and accused of being a chief agent of Fen’Harel. After Inquisitor Lavellan willingly disbanded the inquisition, Loranil returned to his clan with no trouble. Over the course of the following year, his clansmen spoke of Fen’Harel visiting them in their dreams, convincing them of their duty to reclaim their old world. Loranil hadn’t been visited by the Dread Wolf, but how his clansmen talked…it sounded like they just wanted this world to end, and the shems with it. They sounded no better than the shem fanatics or the Qunari. 

Lavellan stopped suddenly. Loranil looked around and listened. 

“Do you hear that?” She whispered.

“Silence.” Loranil breathed.

“Let’s keep going, tread lightly.” Lavellan whispered.

She continued her walk forward. She knew they were being watched. She just couldn’t determine from where. She was nervous, her energy was depleted from the last battle. She was fighting against the panic that was rising in her throat. She had flashbacks of the Templar violating her. She shook her head to shake the memories from her.

_Keep it together!_

“Lavellan,” Loranil called quietly, “we’re being followed. “ He paused. He pulled an arrow from his quiver and readied in his bow. “Why aren’t they attacking? What are they waiting for?”

“Just keep following me.” She hissed.

“Maybe it’s just a bear…or wolf…I hope.” He said cautiously.

Lavellan agreed. She was comforted in that if it were the Templars, they most likely would have already made their presence known. Most likely, it was a wild animal stalking them, not yet committed to attacking. They made their way through the forest over the course of hours, walking in silence, their weapons at the ready. They finally reached the border of the forest as night fell around them.

“I’ll set a barrier Da’len.” Lavellan sighed a weary sigh and prepared her spell.

Loranil unpacked his backpack, and unrolled his bedroll. He stood up, “I’ll check our perimeter and gather some kindling.” He looked back at the dark forest and sighed, “We should have stopped before dark.”

“I’ll take care of the fire, just do a quick sweep from where we came from.”

“But you’ve spent enough of your energy…”

Lavellan interrupted, “I’ll be fine. I can do a simple fire spell. Besides, like you were alluding to, we didn’t stop in time to prepare the camp properly.”

Loranil equipped his bow and left her. Lavellan set up the barriers and then created a fire. She sat down in front of it and stared into the flames, letting out a heavy sigh. She pulled out her necklace and rolled the ring around in her hand, losing herself in memory for just a moment.

_[Cullen’s voice] I let my terrible experiences, caused by a few, drive who I became. I’ve made mistakes, terrible mistakes._

_I’m trying Vhenan._ She thought, _I’m trying to not let anger drive me_. _To not let desperation lead me into regret._

“All clear.” Loranil returned and sat down. He looked at Lavellan, she was lost in thought. He pulled a nug carcass from his backpack and drove a branch through it, then set it over the flame. He began to hum, an old Dalish song. As he hummed, he watched Lavellan. Her face turned pale suddenly. Her eyes met his briefly. She turned her head quickly and heaved, vomiting, mostly bile. They hadn’t eaten for hours. Loranil jumped up and placed a hand on her back to comfort her.

“Easy,” he comforted, rubbing her back as her body heaved. He pulled her hair from her face and held it back. After several moments, her hand pushed his away. She wiped her mouth with her arm and then took her tunic and dabbed the corners of her mouth.

“Are you sick? You’ve been throwing up…frequently.” He asked her, concerned, as he returned to his cooking of the nug.

She put her hand up, as to silence him, “I’m fine. It’s just from exhaustion.” She continued to stare at the fire. They sat in silence, watching the flesh of nug brown. When he felt that it had cooked long enough, he cut it in half and handed her a piece. She nodded in thanks and began picking at it, slowly. She eyed him for a time. Loranil just smiled at her, trying to remain cheerful. She rolled her eyes and then let out a laugh.

Loranil almost choked, “Did you hear that?” He said in a panic.

Lavellan jumped a little, “What?” She asked confused.

“You laughed!” He chuckled.

She finally cracked a smile, “Smart ass." She thought a moment and then asked him, “Why did you want to help me?”

Loranil said thoughtfully, “Honestly? Working for the inquisition gave me a whole new perspective on the world. It opened my eyes and my mind. It made me realize how closed off the Dalish are. How narrow our perspective is. We wish to close ourselves off to the world, thinking that it helps us preserve our heritage. I see how ignorant that was of us. There is no benefit to isolation, generations of isolation. We see ourselves superior, hanging onto what was…but what about now?”

_[Sera’s voice] …’we’ll never be as good as we were’, well who’s ‘we’?_

Lavellan smiled, “You sound like someone I know.”

Loranil continued, “Meeting all those people, from all over Thedas, hearing their stories…we have so much more in common than we have differences. I’m starting to think the only difference between us and the shems are a pair of ears.”

“Da’len,” Lavellan said softly, “Our people do have a rich and varied history, albeit a brutal one and the Dalish have gotten much wrong in their storytelling. I think that is due to being so isolated, even from each other. But there is nothing wrong with having pride from where you come from and reveling in the differences between us and humans. I agree that we have much in common, but there are a great many differences too. The differences are what makes each group interesting, rich, and exotic.” She smiled, “How boring would this world be if we were all the same?”

He said matter-of-factly, “Boring enough to have more than a year of relative peace.”

She laughed, holding her belly as she did so, “Yes, you are probably right.”

Loranil glanced at her belly. He then handed her the rest of his nug, “Here, take this. I think you need it more than me.”

“Why do you…” She began to ask him, grasping her abdomen.

“Just take it. I’ve had my fill.” He smiled at her. She took the meat and returned his smile. He was happy that she seemed to be warming up to him. At that moment, her smile made this terribly long journey seem worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're still interested. Romance about to come your way!


	3. Come What May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to the time right after the defeat of Corypheus. 
> 
> The Inquisition has defeated Corypheus and are celebrating their victory back at Skyhold. Solas was the only member of the Inquisitor's inner circle to not have returned.
> 
> Lavellan and Cullen realize their feelings for one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut!

About three years ago…

After the defeat of Corypheus, Lavellan and her companions had returned to Skyhold, to celebrate their victory. Lavellan stood alone in the great hall of Skyhold, as nobles, soldiers, cooks…everyone, ate and drank in celebration to the defeat of the single greatest threat to Thedas in recent memory. She watched, with a somber smile, as everyone reveled in their victory.

_Peace…_

Dorian approached her, a giant smile across his face, “My, if you aren’t a sight for sore eyes Inquisitor.” He embraced Lavellan. She hugged her dear friend tightly.

 “Never a more fine sight will you see today,” She flirted.

“Yes, indeed.” He paused a moment, looking into her eyes. His smile faded for a moment, “Why, do I detect a small hint of melancholy?”

“Only because you intend to return to Tevinter.” She teased.

“Oh, yes that. I’m loathe to part your good company but you have inspired me to do your good work in my homeland.” He smiled warmly and kissed her cheek. Then more seriously, “Don’t you worry about Solas. I’m sure he has his reasons. He’s a clever one, a bit thick-skulled, but clever.”

“Clever isn’t what I need right now.” She said simply.

“Didn’t he break it off with you anyway? Maybe it’s time to let go. He’s just making it easier for you.” Dorian clasps her shoulders, “He did you a favor really.”

Lavellan thought on it for a moment. The silence stretched between them, but Dorian didn’t let it last too long, “Well anyway, enough of this mess, it’s quite depressing. You have a whole hall of people waiting to eat you up. You’ve saved us!”

Lavellan corrected, “ _We_ …Dorian. You saved them as well.”

“Quite, serving girls are all but fainting when I pass them. If only the men would respond in kind.”

Lavellan laughed, “The Iron Bull isn’t enough for you?”

“Not so loud! There are enough rumors of my indiscretions, no need to add a Tevinter and Qunari love scandal to the mix.” He winked at her. “I’ve stolen enough time from you my dear friend. “ He walked away, waving her off as he returned to mingling with other noble guests.

Lavellan sighed, _I guess I should mingle a little_. She walked through the great hall, nodding to nobles and dignitaries, shaking hands with the soldiers, toasting with her friends. Laughing, smiling…going through the motions.

“My dear, you look absolutely dreadful.” Vivienne’s voice called from behind her.

Lavellan turned to greet her, “Congratulations on being named Divine, Vivienne.”

“Thank you my dear. There is a dreadful amount of work to be done. I’m already getting requests from all over Thedas to settle disputes. I’m not even on the Sunburst Throne yet.” She feigned exasperation.

“I have to be honest with you, I did not see this coming.” Lavellan crossed her arms. “I thought you were vying for support in order to get Cassandra on the throne.”

Vivienne glared, “Well, it was an obvious choice my dear. If order is to be restored, I am the even hand that will apply it. Cassandra is too idealistic and Leliana is too soft on mages. Can you imagine…”

“Yes, quite.” Lavellan said simply, cutting her short. “I should return to the party.”

Vivienne dismissed her, “Yes Inquisitor. Just let me tell you first, the chantry will stand with you, my dear. I’ll make sure of it.”

Lavellan bowed slightly, “Thank you Divine Victoria.” Vivienne returned the bow and then walked away.

_What a bitch. I can’t believe they didn’t elect Cassandra. How did she snake her way into this…_

“Inquisitor.”

Lavellan turned around, Cullen stood there, with his hand rubbing the back of his neck. The commander still wore his battle dress, his fur mantle framing him like a lion.

“Uh,” he stammered, “I-I was hoping to see you before you retired this evening.”

Lavellan smiled earnestly, she brushed her hair behind her ear and looked away briefly, “I was glad you found me Cullen. I need to be spared of all these pleasantries.”

“Maker! I know what you mean. These nobles are relentless.” They laughed. He looked down at her bare face, basking in her beautiful glow. Her green eyes looked brightly at him, yet there was sadness behind them. There was a long pause.

“Cullen?” She said.

He didn’t realize he was staring, “Oh! Maker…”he cursed, “I’m sorry, I became lost…in thought.”

Lavellan laughed, “I could tell. What was it you wanted to see me about?”

“I…just wanted to see you.” He placed his hand on her shoulder, “I wanted to make sure you were ok. It has been a long…well I was going to say day, but really, it’s been a long year. You have done so much, seen so much…”

“We’ve been through a lot, yes, you’re right.” Lavellan sighed, placing her left hand on his hand that rested on her shoulder. The anchor sparkled in the dim of the candlelight. She looked up at him, “I’m glad you have been with me, it’s been an honor.”

Cullen smiled, “Now, you’re not pulling that dignitary speak on me are you?” He leaned in close, “Aren’t we past pleasantries by now?”

She felt herself blush…and began to feel confused. She looked at him curiously, “Why commander, are you flirting with me?”

He pulled his hand from her shoulder, “No! I-I mean…yes.” He laughed, “I suppose I am.”

She moved closer to him, “Relax Cullen, I happen to like it. It’s…”she thought for a moment, “it’s a nice change…a welcomed one.” She thought on the past few months. She touched her hand to her face, remarking on how bare it was. Cullen noticed.

“Do you know where he went?” He asked, somberly.

She shook her head, “No…I’m sorry Cullen.” She turned to walk away.

Cullen reached out and grabbed her arm firmly, “Wait, Elle, you don’t need to apologize. I’m sorry for being insensitive.”

Her heart fluttered at Cullen saying her name. He was the only person to call her Elle, with such familiarity. Everyone else just called her Herald, or Worship, or Inquisitor Lavellan. Her family would call her Ellana, but Cullen, called her sweetly, Elle. Even Solas didn’t call her by her first name, just Vhenan. There was something very intimate in the way this man used her name.

She turned to face him. Cullen released his grip on her arm.

 _What is this feeling…I’m being so foolish_ , _like some silly Da’len, infatuated with the warriors._

“Elle,” He said softly, “Please, just keep me company a little longer. We don’t need to talk.” He saw her olive skin flush. “Care to walk the battlements with me?”

 _Why is he being so kind…after what I did to him?_ She thought on their impulsive kiss atop the battlements the last time she walked them with Cullen, months ago. She remembered his taste, his warmth, her dread. She was very confused.

“Dread, failing, a sorry heart that she lead you on. She was confused and is now confused why you haven’t let her go.” Cole appeared beside them.

Lavellan’s face twisted to anger, “Cole!”

Cole turned to Cullen, “Worried, heart bent but not broken, he is hopeful that you will reciprocate. He understands your confusion but still wishes to try.”

Cullen stammered, “I uh…wow.”

Lavellan tried to push Cole away, but he vanished. She looked around and grunted in frustration, “Why does he do that!” Then she said more quietly, “It’s so embarrassing.”

“He’s right.” Cullen said to her. She looked into his eyes, blushing. Cullen continued softly, “I wish to try. I haven’t stopped feeling…whatever this is…I suspect you feel similarly.” Lavellan didn’t reply, she couldn’t.

_I don’t know…maybe…more than a maybe. I’m so confused._

Cullen took her hand in his, “Walk with me.”

She nodded. He guided her out of the main hall and into the cool night air.

* * *

The moon waxed full above them, the sky clear mostly, save for a faint green tint, remnants of the breach and their fight with Corypheus. There was a gentle breeze blowing around the pair as they walked lightly atop the battlements. Cullen took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

“It’s so nice to be away…from all that noise.” He remarked. “It’s a-a nice night.”

Lavellan laughed, feeling Deja-Vu. Cullen looked at her abashed. She looked at him, still laughing she said, “It’s just…you remarked on the weather the last time we walked like this. Our conversations start with what the weather is doing.”

He returned her smile. They continued to walk, quietly. Lavellan felt calm in his presence. He was the first man, human man, that she had grown to have positive feelings towards. He had been a bulwark against the storm during this fight against the Venatori and Corypheus. His command had saved her more than once during their battles across Thedas. He was compassionate towards her, her as a person, not just an elf, or mage, or herald, or any of the other titles or labels that have been used to describe her. She was just…Elle. So simple. She glanced up at him out of the corner of her eye as they walked. She admired his human features- his strong, rugged chin - how it surprised her how much she appreciated it, how she longed to trace her fingers along his jaw line. His small ears - how cute they were upon his head and how she wanted to nibble on them. The constant stubble on his face and neck – a sign of his personal neglect due and his devotion to his work. She thought on how his stubble scratched her face the first time…how odd the feeling was. His golden, curly hair atop his head - how it reminded her of a lion. She imagined running her fingers through his curls. Her heart began to flutter. She quickly looked away and out to the horizon. The air was crisp, cool. The sky held a scar from the breach. It glowed eerily. She felt the anchor in her hand pulse. She shook it off.

 Lavellan thought on their time together in the past year. At Haven, he was steadfast, determined to defend her against the Chantry clerics. He believed in her, a mage, an elf. He was honest about his past and how he mistrusted mages, but he promised her he would not be unworthy towards her. He showed her wisdom she did not expect to see in a human. After she claimed the mages for the inquisition, even though he disagreed with her choice, he respected her. He came up with safeguards to protect against potential abominations and he respected her enough to not hide his intent. When Corypheus attacked Haven, he expressed his concern about her survival, showed compassion towards her even. When they got to Skyhold, that’s when her feelings for him grew from respect, to curiosity. She witnessed his perseverance to beat his Lyrium addiction. She offered him comfort and support as his inquisitor, like he had offered her as her commander, in private moments when he would ask how she was holding up.

_No, not as a commander…as a friend._

Through his determination, he was able to free himself of his Lyrium leash, and become even stronger, more than she could have imagined. He broke through barriers and changed generations of thinking, just with a single act of rebellion. Why he couldn’t see how his actions were just as world changing as hers, was beyond her. After the siege of Adamant, Cullen opened up to her more, regarding his trauma in Kirkwall and in the Ferelden circle. He gave her perspective on why he distrusted mages, and revealed to her a very personal aspect, his infatuation with the Hero of Ferelden. Lavellan was surprised at the tinge of jealousy she felt while he talked of his past crush.

_[Blackwall’s voice] He’s got the look of a man who’s been through too much. He’s seen the best and worst of humanity, and I think he still struggles with where that leaves him._

Even through his trials of being a Templar, he still trusted her. He didn’t treat her like an apostate, or an elf. He treated her as an equal. They shared a moment together, atop these same battlements. He kissed her, passionately. She kissed him back in kind, overwhelmed by her own desire in the moment. But she withdrew from him, scared. They didn’t speak of their first kiss afterwards. She couldn’t, wouldn’t address her feelings for him. She didn’t give him the same courtesy that he gave to her. She was scared of feeling for a shem, a Templar of all things. Her learnt behavior guided her actions. Instead she sought solace in the comfort of one who reminded her of who she thought she was. Solas was the safe choice, or so she thought. She realized just how unfair she had treated Cullen.

“Elle, I-I um…” Cullen stammered, breaking her thought. He stopped walking and turned to face her. “I’m just happy you…that we survived this. I cannot tell you how worried I was when you faced Corypheus, how much I wished…regret…I was not there with you.”

“Cullen, you were fighting his troops. You have always been fighting, carving a path so that I could reach my target. Just because you aren’t physically at my side, doesn’t mean I think you weren’t fighting with me. You’ve sacrificed as much as I have. You were with me.” Lavellan acknowledged him. Cullen stepped closer to her.

“Even so, I want to remain at your side, physically.” He smiled. He noticed she was withdrawing from him, she began to step back. “Elle…”

“I’m sorry, I’m so confused. Too much has happened.” Her anchor pulsed again, its light flashed brighter for an instant.

Cullen grabbed her hand, “What’s wrong?” He asked her, looking at the anchor.

His touch caused her heart to flutter again. She felt her face grow warm. She began to stammer, “I-I…,” the anchor pulsed again, brighter. Cullen covered the anchor with his other hand, and pulled her gently to him.

_What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just…_

_[Dorian’s voice] Maybe it’s time to let go._

Cullen looked into her eyes, “I cannot let go of that time, when we kissed. Maker, that moment has driven me crazy. You’ve kept me up at nights.” He smiled at her.

“Cullen, I-I haven’t forgotten either.” She admitted.

He stroke her cheek, “I sense that you still feel for me. Tell me, what did I do to drive you away?”

She looked away briefly, “Nothing. You’ve done nothing. You’re just very terrifying.” She looked at him, tears welled up in her eyes, “I’m so sorry for treating you like I did. I’m still trying to understand it myself,” she paused, “I suppose…”

Cullen filled it in, “it was because I’m human. And a former Templar. That’s why I’m terrifying. What must it mean, that you could care for someone like me?” His words were blunt, but he did not mean to hurt her with them.

She hesitated, but then nodded. Tears were streaming down her face, for her own selfish, ignorant folly. 

He wiped her tears, “What are those for?” 

“Why aren’t you angry? Why don’t you curse me for leading you on, kissing you, then dismissing you? Going into the arms of another?”

He stroked her cheek, “Because, I understood. I’ve been where you are. I let my terrible experiences, caused by a few, drive who I became. I’ve made mistakes, terrible mistakes. But I understand what it is like to be presented with evidence that is contrary to my beliefs. It is terrifying.” He gently pushed her hair behind her long ear, then traced its length with his finger, circling back around to her cheek, “I’m not angry with you, nor was I ever. I was sad, I admit, and extremely jealous. But I felt that you might still harbor feelings for me. I’m sorry but not sorry Solas left you. It means that I get a second chance.”

Cullen leaned in, he placed a hand on the back of her head, pulling her to his lips. He kissed her, gently at first, seeing if she would retreat from him. Her lips were cool, moist. She smelled like the rain. He kissed her harder. She wrapped her hands around him, pulling him close. He kept his hand holding her head to his, his other grabbed her buttocks, pulling her into him. She let out a tiny squeal, it was enough to encourage him. Her hands moved to his head, where she ran her fingers through his curls, tugging at them slightly. She began to ache for him, the ache between her legs almost unbearable. She could feel him respond in kind, his hardness pressing against her. Though her eyes were closed, she noticed a bright green glow around her.

“Wowsa!” Sera’s voice carried across the battlements, followed by her snicker.

Lavellan pulled away from him instantly, both were out of breath. The light from her anchor was dimming. Cullen looked towards Sera, his brow furrowing in frustration. Lavellan looked away, blushing terribly. It wasn’t just Sera staring. Varric, Dorian, Leliana, Blackwall, Cole, Cassandra, Iron Bull…all were just…watching.

“Don’t stop commander,” Leliana encouraged him sweetly.

“Aching, throbbing, her heat is driving him mad. He cannot let go, nor will he. She tastes divine. Sweet Maker, she is so _right_.” Cole added, helpfully.

“Whoa Curly, such passion!” Varric began a slow clap. “Can I use this in my next chapter of Sword and Shields?” Cassandra punched his shoulder, chiding him. “The Seeker’s just mad because Sera ruined the moment.”

“Wot?” Sera exclaimed, “I’m just saving them the embarrassment from getting all nakey in front of us lookey-loos”.

“Enough!” Cullen barked. He looked at Lavellan, her cheeks were burning with embarrassment. His look softened. He picked her up, into his arms, and carried her away.

“Chivalrous too.” Leliana cooed after them.

 _What is happening?!_ Lavellan couldn’t even look up at Cullen, she was so embarrassed.

He spoke softly to her, “My apologies, but I can’t stand there any longer, nor could I leave you.”

“Burning, hungering, this longing has come to a head. He wishes to taste her more, but away from prying eyes.” Cole’s voice carried across the battlements.

“Maker’s breath,” Cullen said exasperated.

Blackwall, Sera, Iron Bull, and Varric began cheering. Lavellan wished that moment to be over, to hide from the embarrassment.

 _Why am I embarrassed?_ She thought to herself as Cullen carried her towards his tower. _Because…_ she looked up at Cullen, he smiled down at her, his grin a little more eager than she might have been comfortable with. _Because, they caught me. I’m falling for him._

* * *

Cullen set Lavellan down on her feet. She straightened her shirt as he barred his door. She turned to say something to him, but he swept her up in his arms, pressed his lips to hers. She parted her lips and Cullen slipped his tongue in. She could feel his ruggedness against her smooth skin. The sensation gave rise to goosebumps on her flesh, and a heat rose through her body, originating from her center. He bit her lower lip, and tugged it away slightly as he took a moment to catch his breath. He looked into her eyes for a second, trying to detect any protest from her. She pulled his face back to hers. She pushed her tongue into this mouth, to taste him. So take a part of him into her. His smell reminded her of electricity in the air after a lightning storm.

His body pushed her backwards, towards his desk. Her hands clawed at his armor, clumsily attempting to remove it. His hands groped her bottom, feeling the curve of her. They dipped behind her, between her legs, teasing. She gasped at the sensation of his fingertips grazing her lips through the fabric of her pants. He moved from her mouth, kissing down her cheek to her neck. He bit her, lightly. Her body arched into him.

“Cullen…”She breathed, almost breathless.

“Hmm?” was all of a reply he could manage while moving down her neck. He began to move his hands from her ass, tracing the curve of her hips, moving up to feel her breasts. He groaned as he squeezed them.

“Cullen…”She couldn’t get out what she wanted to say. She wanted his armor off, her clothing off…she wanted to feel him writhe against her, enter her, to fuck her.

He pulled away suddenly. She looked at him, confused for a moment. He immediately removed his armor, tossing it upon the floor and kicking it to the side. He still wore his tunic and breeches. His tunic hung loosely on him, but not loose enough to hide his bulge. He gazed upon her, like a wild eyed beast. She started to move back but the desk was in her way. He grabbed her quickly, she gasped. He paused.

“Elle…” was all he said.

It was enough.

 _Just say my name!_ She pulled him to her, her hands running over his shoulders, stopping to admire each muscle, as she ran them down, across his chest and then over his tight abdomen. Her fingers danced along the band of his breeches. She could feel heat rising from him, calling to her. He grabbed her ass, pulling her into him, kissing and nipping at her neck and her ears, crushing his waist into her. The ache between her legs returned as she felt his bulge against her. She rubbed up against him, grinding. He let out a wicked groan, like an animal. He pulled back and roughly lifted her up onto his desk. He returned to fumbling with the buttons on her shirt, unable to unbutton a single one in his lust.

“Maker’s breath!” He cursed in frustration. He looked her in the eyes, “Forgive me,” he said, then he ripped open her shirt, pushing it back and then off of her, revealing her breast band. She giggled, then proceeded to help him pull his tunic over his head, revealing what her hands had felt to be true. His body was massive, muscular, compared to hers…compared to her kind. She ran her fingers across his chest. She leaned in and began kissing and nibbling his pecks. She ran her tongue across his nipples, swirling around them momentarily. Her hands grasped at the border of his breeches. She dipped her fingers down, teasing him, twirling her fingers around his coarse hair. She cupped his bulge and squeezed him, releasing an approving growl from his throat.

Cullen, growing impatient, traced his hands along her breast band, moving over her nipples that could been seen through the fabric. He removed the band, fiercely, revealing her full breasts, bouncing slightly as they were sprung from their cage. She was petite, and compared to many human women, her breasts were smaller. But on her frame, they were perfect. He cupped them, using his thumbs to brush against her nipples. He bent down, and took her in his mouth. He sucked on her, placed her between his teeth and bit down as gently as he could manage. His desire for her to have a memorable first night with him, to give her the attention and care she deserved, fought against his most base, animalistic desire to turn her over and fuck her.

She moved her hands to pull his breeches down, springing him loose, gasping at the sight of his large cock. Her hands grabbed him and began squeezing, and stroking. He groaned and bit down on her breast. She let out a squeal and pulled back, an involuntary reaction on her part.

He looked up at her, with slight remorse, “Sorry,” he kissed her mouth gently, pushing her back, to lay upon the desk. He helped her remove her pants, kissing her thighs, as he rolled the pants down and off her. He kicked his own breeches off from around his ankles. He could feel the heat from her center, white, hot heat rising. He spread her legs just enough to allow his face to lean into her. He kissed her wet lips, sliding his tongue between them, moving towards her clit. She moaned, loudly. He felt her body tense, her anchored hand grabbed his head and pulled his hair, slightly pushing his head into her. He then inserted a finger into her, while he grabbed her breast with his other hand.

“Tight.” He growled approvingly. He moved his finger in and out, opening her up, using his thumb to rub her clit. He felt her getting wetter. He worked her, to open her up so she could take him in.

“Softer…” she breathed between moans.

He lightened his touch on her clit, lightly touching as he stroked her. She arched into him.

“Yes!” She gasped.

He placed a second finger into her, to work her more. His cock throbbed, ached to be inside her. He let out a groan of frustration, as he fought against just ramming himself into her. Her hand grabbed his cock, as her other pulled his hand out of her. She pulled him to her, the head barely touching her entrance. The heat emanated from her. She moved her hips, grazing his tip, her eyes looked at him, pleading. She wrapped her legs around him and used them to pull him to her. He resisted a moment, taking the sight of her begging for him to be in her. He brought his fingers that were just inside her, to his mouth. He tasted her, savored her. She pulled him in. He let out a gasp and pushed himself hard into her, arching his body over hers, her breasts bouncing with his rhythm.

“Fenedhis!” She cried and then whimpered, “You’re so fucking big!”

He grabbed her hips, and pulled her into him, burying himself into her. His cock drowned in her cream. He bit his lower lip, fighting the urge to release. He felt her hand upon his face. He looked down at her, her chest rising and falling as she panted. He realized…he wanted to look up at her and not down at her. He pulled out of her and helped her up, off his desk.

“Climb!” He ordered her, pointing to the ladder that led to his bed above them.

“He said, commandingly,” she said seductively.

As she ran past him, he slapped her ass. “Move it!” He followed her up the ladder, glancing up at her sex, above him. “Mm.”

She wriggled her behind in response.

“Maker!” He groaned.

She ran to his bed and jumped on. He joined her, rolling to his back. She climbed on top of him, taking him into her. She arched back as she grinded against him, her hands fell behind her, her breasts bounced and glistened in the moonlight. The light from her anchor was pulsing, in rhythm with their motions. She moaned, loudly, calling his name. He stared at the lines of her body, taking her image in. How she looked, riding on top of him, conquering him. It thrilled him.

“Ma Vhenan,” she called to him. She bent over him, pressing her lips into his, sucking him, tasting him, grinding him. “Say my name” she hissed.

“Maker, are you beautiful,” He ran his hand through her hair. She pulled him up to her, burying his face between her breasts. She held him there as she grinded, her body tensing.

“Say my name!” She commanded him.

“Elle,” he breathed between groans, “Elle!”

She moaned, grinding against him, rubbing her clit against his skin, tightening her belly, closing her walls around him. She tightened her grip on his hair, yanking his head back so she could kiss him. He clawed at her back, his fingers pressing hard into her flesh as he thrusted into her. She reached her climax, her body stiffened and she let out a moan, the anchor filled the room up with its light. Cullen felt a pulse from the anchor pass through him, electrifying him, at the same time he felt her orgasm flood around him.

“Elle!” He cried, squeezing her to him, unable to resist any longer. He cried out as he spilled his seed inside her. Their bodies convulsed together, each riding the waves of ecstasy. They fell over together, bodies still entwined, him still inside her. Both breathless, but smiling. The glow of her anchor lit up the entire room. He smoothed her hair away from her sweaty face, letting his fingers linger around the edges of her ear.

“Cullen…” she smiled, breathless. She wanted to tell him how he was the best man she had ever known. How this moment was the apex of her existence, how long she had yearned for him, and how sorry she was for her ignorance.

“It’s a nice night.” He joked.

“Ar lath ma.” She kissed him, gently.

“What’s that? I don’t speak a lick of elven I’m afraid.” He pinched her nipple, teasing her.

“Maybe you’ll be able to infer it’s meaning, in time.” She teased him.

“You’re such a tease.” He hugged her tightly, kissing the top of her head. They laid there, quietly, listening to one another breathe, and stroking each other’s hair, until exhaustion took them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave any feedback if you have some. This is my first time writing smut (if it wasn't obvious). Hopefully it was endearing. :P


	4. Hearing Damage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning! Chapter is a dark one.
> 
> Lavellan and Loranil have made it to Emprise Du Lion on their way to the Frostbacks.
> 
> Lavellan shares details with Loranil about what had happened to her over the time leading up to her crossing Loranil's path.

Present Time

The air was especially crisp that evening, in the foothills of Emprise du Lion. Lavellan and Loranil had set up camp as the sun began to set around them. They wore many layers of furs, having acquired them on their journey over the last several weeks, since leaving his clan in the Exalted plains. He noted that Lavellan hadn’t thrown up in days. It seemed to strike her when they stopped to make camp, every evening for the last couple of weeks. He also noticed the bulge in her belly had grown. He couldn’t see it now, under all her furs she wore to keep warm, but he would see it when she would take her armor off, to lay down to rest. He wanted to ask her about it, but he was afraid to. She made it clear she didn’t want to address it.

“How many more days do you think, until we reach the Frostbacks?” He asked her, poking a stick into the fire.

She looked around the sky filled with twilight. She could see stars twinkling above them. Loranil could see her breath as she replied, “Maybe three or four days, depending on how quick we move, or what we have to defend ourselves against. A lot of wolves in the area.”

Loranil snorted, “Yeah, I bet.” He thought on the high probability that Templars were tracking them, but thought it more strange than fortunate that they haven’t encountered any on their travels. There was still an uneasy presence about them, every now and then it would grow strangely quiet, a feeling coming over the both of them that they were being watched. But Loranil couldn’t find any animal nor person when he would go look for the presence. Not even a trace.

Lavellan was eating some jerky Loranil had made a week prior, before they made their trek into Emprise du Lion. Loranil wanted a good stock of food before they made the trek into the snowy foothills, prior to reaching the Frostbacks. She gnawed on it and when she finished it, she licked her fingers clean, smacking her lips around them. She looked at him, saw him staring at her, “That is really good jerky” she complimented him.

Loranil smiled, “You know, I have to say that if the Dalish have anything going for them, it is our impeccable ability to live on the road. Generations of living a nomadic lifestyle has taught us many skills to survive almost any situation. Unlike those lofty nobles who faint at the idea of not having those frilly cakes at a party.”

They both laughed, she replied to him, “I think you have a good point Da’len.”

Loranil grabbed more of his jerky from his own pack and handed it to her, “Here, have some more.”

Lavellan reached for it and then hesitated. She had noticed that Loranil had lost weight since they left his clan. They haven’t had to go a night without food…well now that she thought about it, _she_ hasn’t gone a night without food. Loranil had been keeping track of their rations. She didn’t notice until this moment, that he had most likely been giving her his rations. She knew that he suspected her pregnancy and now she was sure he knew. She put her hand up in a kind rejection, “No thank you. I’m fine.”

“Aw come on Lethallan, you need it more than I do.” He shook the jerky at her, insisting she take it.

Her tone turned dark, “No I don’t Da’len. Now stop with this foolishness. You need it. You look like you’ve lost weight, and we’ve had enough food to where I’ve gained weight. That presents a problem. I need you to have your strength. Who knows what we will encounter, at any moment.”

He pulled back his offering, his eyes downcast, he said, “Why won’t you tell me about what happened to you?”

“Because you don’t want to hear it.” She snapped.

“I see the night terrors that make you thrash, almost every mid-night. I see the way your will seems to drain from you when you get lost in a memory.”

“Da’len…”she sighed, at little annoyed at his questioning.

“I’m not a child!” He snapped at her, “You can’t be that much older than me! Why do you insist on calling me Da’len? It’s insulting.”

She softened her gaze, “It was not meant to be an insult. Ir abelas.” She looked away and into the flames of the fire, “I certainly feel much older.” She had a small smile on her face, “You are still so hopeful, cheerful…naïve.”

“Maybe,” he said thoughtfully, ‘but isn’t better that one of us has hope for our future?” He watched her face flinch at his comment. He continued, “I cannot give up on you now. Not after all you’ve accomplished.” He threw his stick into the fire, “I won’t let the shems destroy you or your legacy!”

Lavellan hung her head, “They have already succeeded, Lethallin.” She turned to look at him, “You know,” she started as she pulled her necklace from under her clothes, a golden ring dangled on the chain, “this is my wedding ring. Traditionally, the ring is worn on your left finger.” She lifted up her stump, illustrating that she no longer had a left hand.

Loranil looked at her confused, “Traditionally…a Shem tradition, not Dalish.”

“No,” she laughed a little, “not Dalish. You see, my friend that you are helping me find, he’s my husband.”

Loranil was surprised by her admission, “You’ve bonded?”

“Married…bonded…yes. By a chantry Mother, to a human man.” She paused a moment to read his reaction, waiting for judgement. He just looked at her, confused. “I…I didn’t want to admit this to you when we first met. I don’t really know why…maybe because I was afraid you would turn me away. I desperately needed your help…someone’s help,” her voice trailed off, "I have fallen so low.”

“Who did you bond with?” He asked simply, “Was is someone with the inquisition?”

She smiled, “I married the best man, human or elf, in this world.” Tears began welling up in her eyes, she wiped them with her arm. “You knew him as Commander Cullen Rutherford.”

Loranil let out a sigh of relief, “Well, you can sure pick them, if it had to be a shem, he wasn’t so bad.”

She laughed, “Not bad at all. Who did you think it could have been?”

“There were rumors of your close relation with that Tevinter Magister.” He admitted.

“Dorian?” She laughed a little, “Maybe in another life.” She smiled to herself.

“Why not that elven apostate fellow? There were rumors you two were close, as he’s an elf…”

Lavellan just shook her head, “There was nothing there,” she lied.

Loranil gestured towards her belly, “Is that _his_ then? The Commander’s?”

Lavellan grabbed her belly, her face twisted as tears began falling down her face. She bent over and sobbed, her body shaking uncontrollably.

_Fenedhis! Get it together. At every moment I’m falling apart…_

Loranil rushed to her side, he placed a hand on her shoulder. She pushed him away. He stood over her, not knowing how to console her. She looked up at him and said, tersely, “You want to know what has happened to your _Inquisitor_?” She sat back up, sniffling as she wiped her tears away. She took several deep breaths to calm herself down, readying herself. Loranil took a seat, opposite of her, giving her some distance. He remained silent and let her tell him her story. 

* * *

Several months ago…

Cullen’s and Lavellan’s estate, gifted to them by the Exalted Council over a year ago, was nestled between hills near South Reach, close to Cullen’s family. The sun was low, evening was approaching them. The sky was filled with orange light, tints of purple lined the clouds on the horizon. Cullen wore a basic white tunic and a pair a black breeches, his new normal attire, having put down his armor once the inquisition disbanded. Lavellan wore a simple green dress. She wore a dingy white apron on her front, dirtied from working their small garden and tending to their small farm. She had herbs and flowers sticking out from her apron’s pockets, having spent the last hour picking them to make herbal remedies and poultices. Cullen held her hand as they walked, talking about the day, talking about what they would cook for supper, reveling in their domestic bliss.

“Woof!” A deep bark came from the mabari hound Cullen had adopted back at the Winter Palace, during the Exalted Council.

“Well, hello to you too Rocky” Lavellan knelt down and rubbed Rocky’s face with her only hand.. She stood back up and took Cullen’s hand in hers, they continued to walk towards their house, swinging their arms as they chatted. Rocky danced around them, barking excitedly. He stopped suddenly, his ears twitching.

Cullen and Lavellan both laughed. Cullen whispered in Lavellan’s ear, “Must be a squirrel he hears.” His hot breath tickled her. They left Rocky to his play and kept on their walk home.

BARK! BARK! Rocky seemed agitated. Cullen turned around, “What are you so excited about?” He walked to Rocky and patted him on the head.

“Cullen, a Little Bird,” Lavellan pointed to a black raven that flew above them, it cawed to them. Cullen held out his arm for the Little Bird to perch on. A red missive was attached to its foot. He took the missive and released the raven. Lavellan remarked, “It’s _red_. Urgent news?”

Cullen looked down at her as he unwrapped the missive. “Maybe Leliana has found a lead on Solas?”

After Lavellan voluntarily disbanded the Inquisition, she, Cullen, Leliana, Scout Harding, and Cassandra made plans to keep searching for Solas and to uncover his plans. Even though they lost the power and forces of their inquisition, Leliana still controlled her very large network of spies. Over the last year Leliana was perhaps the greatest threat to Solas. The information she gathered and bartered rivalled any of the existing powers in Thedas. Leliana had stationed herself in Val Royeaux, close to the Grand Cathedral- to Divine Victoria. Leliana used her Little Birds to transfer information, giving Cullen and Lavellan regular updates on their progress on tracking Solas and his agents, and any other news that would be noteworthy.

Cullen and Lavellan have been lucky in the past year, having been able to live in relative peace and “domestic bliss” as Dorian called it. Lavellan still kept in close contact with Dorian through the sending crystal he gave her, before the Exalted Council ended. Dorian’s news had become more grim over the last several months, as he shared that the Imperium had been mired in war with the Qunari, but in his fashion, he didn’t let a “little war” keep him from gossiping and reminiscing with his best friend.

Cullen’s face grew dark as he read Leliana’s note. He rolled it up quickly, stuffed it in his breeches and grabbed Lavellan’s hand, pulling her quickly towards their home.

“What did it say?” Lavellan pressed.

Cullen replied hastily, “We must gather what we can and _leave_ here.” He rushed into their home, almost dragging her in his haste. He let go of her hand and began packing, rummaging through cabinets. He tossed a back pack at her, already packed in case of this type of emergency. They have been getting updates on rumors that were spreading among nobility, of the Inquisitor’s involvement with Fen’Harel, of a Dalish Apostate building an army of elves, which Leliana had not been successful in squashing. So for fear that the Chantry’s gaze would turn back on Lavellan, Cullen and she had packed emergency supplies in case they needed to abandon their home. Lavellan held the bag tightly, hesitating as the feeling that she wouldn’t return to her home washed over her. She pushed the thought from her mind, then placed the bag on her back. She helped Cullen gather food and waterskins. Meanwhile, Rocky’s barking was getting more aggressive outside.

“Was it about Solas? Cullen, what did it say?” Lavellan pressed him again.

Rocky came running in the house, danced around them, jumped on them, trying to get their attention He stopped barking, then turned to give a low growl at the doorway. Cullen grabbed his sword and belt, and put it around his waist hastily.

Cullen spoke low, his gaze focused on the doorway, “Leliana got a warning from Cassandra.” Cullen paused a moment to look Lavellan in the eyes, “The Divine means to come after _you_.”

“Ho!” A man’s voice called from outside. Cullen and Lavellan glanced at each other. Lavellan’s heart jumped into her throat. She held out her hand, blue electricity sparked between her finger tips. Cullen held a hand up to her, motioning her to wait. Rocky kept his growl low and threatened to lunge out of the house. Cullen knelt down and told Rocky “easy”.

The man outside called again, “We demand the surrender of former Inquisitor Lavellan to the Templar Order of Divine Victoria.”

Lavellan swiftly exited the house, Cullen and Rocky a step behind her. She stood to face the Templars outside her home. There were 6 of them, standing in front of their mounts. Chantry standards rolled in the slight breeze the passed by. The light of the setting sun reflected off of the Templar helms. Lavellan’s green dress flapped in the breeze, her black hair curling around her face. Rocky was at her side, growling low, his teeth bared. Cullen stood tall, his chest sticking out, and a hand on the hilt of his sword.

“Under what charges?” Lavellan demanded.

“Under the charges of heresy, apostacy, citing a rebellion against the Chantry, Orlais and Ferelden. You are to come with us,” The Templar speaking at the front of the unit, turned his gaze to Cullen, “peacefully.” He looked back at Lavellan. “Surrender Inquisitor, and no harm shall come to anyone here. You are to return with us to the Grand Cathedral to face judgement.”

Cullen scoffed, “Those charges are _ridiculous!_ Are you serious? She’s not coming with you.” Cullen barred his own teeth and tightened his grip on his sword. “Divine Victoria is mad if she means to bring these charges against Elle.”

Lavellan placed her hand up, the Templars held out their swords and shields, feeling threatened she might unleash her power. She held her hand up in surrender. “I’ll come peacefully.”

“WHAT?!” Cullen grabbed her, he hissed in her ear, “Are you _mad?_ I’ll _not_ let you go with them.”

“I’ll be fine, besides we can’t fight them here,” she spoke so only he could hear. The Templars remained in their tense positions. The lead Templar holding them back. She continued, “I’ll make my case. Vivienne is just putting on a display for the uneasy nobility. I’ll explain our position.”

“No, Elle, you _can’t_ make your case.” Cullen’s voice was panicked. Lavellan looked at him, wondering what was in that missive.

“Surrender Inquisitor.” The Templar demanded.

She looked away from Cullen and walked towards the Templars. She knew this way to be the only way to protect Cullen. She didn’t want him to die for her. She walked towards the Templars, her hand and stump in the air.

Cullen reacted brashly, he started to unsheathe his sword and charge the Templars, “You’ll not hav-“

Pffft! Pffft! Two of the Templars slumped over, arrow’s sticking out of their necks, in the space between their helmets and their chest plates. Immediately, the lead Templar reacted, dispelling the area, preventing Lavellan from setting a barrier. The remaining 4 Templars raised their shields. Madness took over.

“Over there, two elves!’ One Templar shouted, turning his shield in their direction, to guard him from any more arrows.

Lavellan ran to to Cullen, pulling him back from the Templars, urging his retreat. Rocky pounced forward, launching his own attack on the Templars, distracting them from his masters. Lavellan looked towards the elves, she didn’t know who they were. Two Templars moved towards them, their shields guarding them from the elves’ attacks. Rocky had another Templar distracted. The lead Templar moved, rushed towards them. Lavellan pushed a lightning bolt from her hand, momentarily paralyzing the Templar. She turned to Cullen, embraced him, then they fade-jumped.

Air rushed past them, green and blue energy surrounded them, as they passed through the fade quickly to Lavellan’s destination. They appeared in their cellar, underneath their house. Lavellan worked quickly, building her mana, raising a barrier around them. Cullen looked at her, confused.

“What are we doing, we need to get out of here. We need to get YOU out of here!” He started to push her out towards the stairs that led out of the cellar. “We can reach the stables, grab our mounts, ride…”

“No.” She said simply. She stepped outside the barrier, then finished erecting it around Cullen, caging him. Cullen slammed his hands against the barrier wall. Panic swept over his face, then anger.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing? Elle!” He demanded.

“I need you safe. You can’t stand up to them. You’re not a Templar anymore.” She stated, solemnly. “I won’t allow you to die for me. Not after all we’ve been though. I’ll lead them away from here, give you time to escape. I’ll escape them, Vhenan, and meet you _there_.”

“That’s not for you to decide.” He said sternly, “We just didn’t have enough warning!” He slammed his hands against the barrier, “Elle, don’t do this. We can fight them! _I can_ fight them.”

She backed away from him, “I need to go before they find this entrance. Rocky won’t be able to hold them much longer.” She knew Cullen wasn’t up to fighting shape, after a year of farming. She didn’t trust that he would survive a fight. She didn’t want to lose him. She could see how hurt he was, she looked away.

Cullen banged his fists against the barrier again, “ELLE! Don’t!” She started to fade, hesitating before she fade-jumped. He said desperately, “Find me there, I will wait for you, until the sky falls, and this world ends. I will wait. You better return to me.”

“Ir abelas…”

She fade-jumped, returning to the Templars. She whistled for Rocky, signaling him to return to her. He obeyed. She immediately cast a static cage around the three remaining Templars, then proceeded to run away from her home. She glanced past the Templars, she didn’t see the elves that had attacked earlier. The Templars dispelled the area, releasing themselves from the cage. Lavellan raised her hand up, casting chain lightning to hit them. She kept running, making her way to the edges of her field. Suddenly, she felt the cold metal of a grappling hook around her leg. She her feet were yanked backwards, she fell forward, onto her face, her body was then dragged backwards against the ground, toward the Templars. She cast a barrier around her. Rocky bolted towards them, tackling one Templar to the ground, digging his paws at the man’s neck, in the space between his helm and armor. She looked back and saw Rocky get the man’s helmet off, then biting his jugular, ripped the man’s throat out. Then she felt the air escape her. A Templar had smited her. He was on top of her now, his sword raised to her. She clawed at the ground, fighting for air. She couldn’t pull enough mana to cast a single spell.

Yeellp! She looked back and saw the second Templar drive his sword through Rocky, pinning him to the ground. The Templar above her grabbed her fiercely, lifting her up off the ground as she gagged. He brought her to face him. She could see his brown eyes peering at her through the slits of his helm. He hissed at her.

“Caught you Rabbit.” His voice was different from the one that commanded them earlier. His energy frightened her. Regret set upon her, wishing she had Cullen with her. She overestimated her powers.

The other Templar spoke, “What do we do now Reed? We were planning on her surrendering.”

The Templar that held her, Reed, spoke venomously, “I guess we’ll have to teach this bunny a lesson for killing 4 of our brothers.”

“She didn’t kill anyone. It was that damned dog and those elves. She needs to come back with us, _unharmed_.” He reminded Reed.

Lavellan clawed with her one hand, at his hold on her. Her fingers started to sparkle with electricity. Reed smited her again, “Nuh uh uh, little Rabbit.” He looked over to his brother, “She’s feisty.” Then he looked back at her, “I expected more of a fight out of the famed _Inquisitor_. I guess being domesticated smoothed your,” he ran one of his hands over her breast, “edges.” He laughed. She gasped for breath, his smite power having knocked the air from her again. Reed threw her to the ground, the grappling chain still attached to her leg.

“Reed, what about the former Commander?” The second Templar asked, as they walked back to their mounts.

Reed dragged Lavellan across the ground behind him, by the chain. He spoke casually, “Fuck him, we’ve got what we need. I don’t want to waste time looking for where this knife-ear stashed him.”

“But the orders from the Divine were to contain any of the Inquisitor’s inner circle.”

Reed snapped, “There are only two of us now. I don’t want to tangle with the Commander.”

They tied the four horses without riders to their own mounts. Reed pulled the chain towards him, dragging Lavellan behind him. He held out his hand. The other Templar gave him rope. Reed turned Lavellan over onto her face, aggressively, and bound her arms. He hissed as he touched her stump. “That makes you so much less attractive.” He grabbed her ass as he ran his hands down, to release the hook from her leg. He then tied her feet together.

“Reed,” The second Templar said in a scolding tone.

Reed looked back, “I won’t do anything. Nothing wrong with a _feel_ ” He squeezed her ass again. Lavellan let out a whimper. Her whole body ached from being dragged across the ground.

“Reed,”

“Oh shut your cunt, Thomas.” Reed spat. Reed lifted Lavellan up and tossed her over on one of the horses.

“That’s going to be really uncomfortable for her. It’s a long ride. The orders were to bring her back, _unharmed_.” Thomas reminded Reed.

“Unharmed was preferable but not required Thomas. The orders said specifically alive. Don’t be such a cunt. Let’s go.” Reed kicked his horse and they rode north. Lavellan lay uncomfortably on the back of a horse, bouncing with every one of its steps. She could see her estate get smaller as they rode further away. Tears streamed down her face.

 _Idiot_ , she chided herself, _such a fucking idiot._  

* * *

Present time…

Lavellan wrapped up her story, “They captured me, because of my own arrogance. I overestimated my power, and most likely underestimated my husbands.” She clenched her fist. “Fenedhis!”

Loranil tried to comfort her, “It’s almost a certainty that he is either searching for you or waiting where you said he should be waiting.”

Lavellan nodded, “Yes. The thought of seeing him again.” She gently rubbed her belly, “I have so much to tell him and so much to apologize for.” She sniffed then wiped her nose, “That’s not the worst part.” 

“What’s the worst part?” Loranil inquired…not sure if he wanted to hear it.

“On our way to Val Royeaux, we stopped in several villages. The Templar named Reed, vicious bastard, he paraded me around the towns, telling people to ‘Behold the famed _Herald of Andraste_ , the heretical elven whore to this so called _Fen’Harel_ , apostate and traitor to the Chantry’. They rallied the people against me. People who once vied for the opportunity to lay their eyes upon me, to receive a blessing from me. I was nothing to them now. In the mere matter of moments…nothing. A little fear overrode any love they had had for me.”

“It didn’t take mere moments, Lethallan. The chantry has been spreading rumors about you from the beginning. When you disbanded your Inquisition, the Chantry gained more influence and power.”

“Yes,” Lavellan lamented, “’Beware the heights you reach’ were wise words told to me at the height of the inquisition. I didn’t know how to heed the warning at the time. I couldn’t foresee what effects my actions would have.” She let out a long sigh. “There is just a little more, something terrible I must admit, if you would be willing to share another burden.” She looked at him. Loranil nodded, telling her to proceed. She looked away from him, “Just outside of Val Royeaux, we stopped at a tavern. We had been travelling for weeks….” 

* * *

Just months ago…

Lavellan sat on the floor, at the foot of Templar Reed’s bed in one of the rooms they rented for the evening. Templar Thomas was undoing his armor, getting ready to rest. Lavellan had been beaten, shamed, and starved. She didn’t have the energy to fight the Templars, nor did she care to. She couldn’t wait to get to the Grand Cathedral, to face Divine Victoria, and to plead to the people that once held her in the highest esteem. But as she had nothing but time to think about her fool notion, the idea of them listening to her became more unlikely to her, especially after how the common folk responded to Reed’s propaganda against her.

Reed was staring at Lavellan. She could feel his eyes boring into her. He no longer wore his helmet. His skin was pasty white, his hair a shit brown, like his eyes. Lavellan couldn’t stand the sight of him. He had been the cruelest to her. She was thankful for Thomas’s presence. If it weren’t for him, she was sure Reed would do more cruel things to her. Thomas would try to give her water and food when Reed was distracted either by whores in other taverns, or when he was too drunk to notice. Thomas was a young man, with yellow hair and an innocent face. Lavellan would only ever look at Thomas when Reed spoke, as a small act of defiance. She was looking at Thomas now, as Reed gazed at her. Thomas looked up from unbuckling his boots, and met her gaze. He gave a half smile. A small attempt to comfort her.

“Thomas,” Reed said darkly, “Why don’t you go get our table ready downstairs. Get a couple of drinks ready.” Lavellan could feel that Reed never turned his gaze away from her. The air in the room became more oppressive. She watched Thomas’s reaction. Thomas looked at Reed and then back to her.

Thomas stuttered, ‘Uh, I…why don’t we go down together? She’s not going anywhere, she’s too weak. You’ve made sure of that by keeping her starved.”

“No, I need a moment. Just go down and get our table ready.” He hissed.

“I don’t think that is a good idea.” Thomas said more sternly. His eyes met Lavellan’s. “Lets bring her with us, she needs to eat something”

Reed stood up suddenly, puffing himself up, pulling a dagger from his belt, “Are you fucking deaf? Go get a table ready for us!”

Thomas surrendered, and quickly buckled his boots. Lavellan just stared at him, trying to plead with her expression for him to stay. Thomas’s eyes were remorseful. He left, closing the door slowly behind him.

No,” she breathed. Panic started to seep in.

As soon as the door was closed, Reed was upon her. Lavellan was too weak to resist. Reed’s rough hands rubbed her up and down. He grabbed her soft, lithe neck with one hand, pushing her down on the ground. His other hand pushed her dress up. He pulled down her small clothes, then shoved a finger into her. She moaned in pain.

“Dry as a sawpit.” He said with disappointment. He pulled his finger out, spit on his hand, then rubbed his spit on her. Lavellan tried to resist, pulling her hips away, pushing him away with her legs. As she did, his grip on her neck tightened. But she kept resisting him. He pulled a knife from his belt and held it to her face. He looked at her menacingly. He traced the blade along her face, then along her right ear.

“Fucking knife-ear.” He then started to saw through her flesh, cutting off half of her ear. She tried to scream, but only gasps escaped her from him strangling her. She in pain excited him more. He tossed his knife behind him then stuck his finger back inside her. He bent his head down to her chest, rubbing his face on her breasts as he fingered her, trying to get her wet for him. She cried as he squeezed her neck, as she felt her warm blood drip down her face. His breathing was heavy, his body writhing as he felt himself get excited for her. He pulled his head up from her chest and leaned in close to her.

“I’m going to take you rabbit, and you will not like it.” He kissed her lips and then licked her tears from her face. He undid his breeches, grabbed himself and then shoved himself inside of her. Her scream was muffled by the grip of his hand around her neck, his thumb crushing her windpipe. He thrusted into her, again and again, rubbing her walls raw.

“You fucking cunt.” Was all he said to her as he humped her, on the dirty floor of the room, choking her. The smile on his face was wicked, cruel. As he raped her, Lavellan felt her body stir. She felt rage build inside of her, desperation, and fear. He pulled out of her suddenly, he undid her hands from their bindings, grabbed her right hand and placed it on him. He forced her hand to rub him. He groaned, his grip on her neck tightened. He then stood up and pulled her up by her neck, he forced himself inside her mouth.

“If you bite you’re dead.” He hissed at her.

Lavellan placed her hand on his back, guiding him into her mouth rhythmically.

“That’s more like it,” He moaned.

Lavellan felt her body stir again. She felt anger, desperation, and fear rise from the pit of her stomach. In a moment of desperation, she clamped her jaws down, biting through him, ripping the head of his cock from him. He screamed and kicked her away. He fell to the ground holding his bleeding member. She spat the tip of his cock out of her mouth. Lavellan felt the blood drip down her chin, her eyes were wide. She felt her body stir…with power. Whispers swirled around in her mind. Power was in the blood.

The whispers told her what to do. She guided his blood from him with her hand. She felt the power fill her, give her strength. She stood up, using blood magic to drain him of life. She heard whispers in her head, guiding her actions. She felt his essence enter her, filling her, strengthening her. It made her feel _good._ His face twisted in fear, paling as she drained him. Her face twisted with desire…to kill him...to make him…

POP! SPLAATSPLAAT! His body exploded, pieces of him flung across the entire room. Pieces of him stuck to her. She looked down at her hand, marred in blood but pulsing with power. She undressed herself, removing her blood and flesh covered dress. She went to the basin of water and drenched herself, getting as much of him off of her as she could. She then went through Thomas’s pack, and put on the extra tunic and pants he had. She walked calmly out of the room, down the stairs, into the main tavern hall.

The room filled with silence. The clang and tings of cups and pans stopped. The air left the room. Thomas raised from the chair he was sitting in and unsheathed his sword, her dark look having unsettled him. With the wave of her hand, she boiled his blood and made him pop too. The shems in the tavern screamed and tried to flee from her. She waved her hand again, the power in the blood telling her what to do, how to control them. She poisoned their minds, having them turn against each other. They started brawling, some of them brandishing knives and stabbing each other. She pulled the blood from random tavern patrons, giving her more power. She walked out of the tavern calmly, leaving the carnage behind her.

* * *

 

Loranil just stared at her, unsure of how to respond. Lavellan stared into the fire. She then continued, “It took only minutes for the rush of power to leave me, to uncloud my mind. I then ran, for as long as I could, running from what I had done. I ran, and ran, and ran…until you found me.”

“You could have spared me some of the details.” He said quietly.

She looked at him calmly, “Ir abelas. I suppose…I needed to let it out. I don’t know if I’ll be able to tell Cullen what happened to me. For him to look at me different…I can’t…” She put her head in her hand and cried. The sadness taking over her. She looked angrily at Loranil, “This is what you are helping!” She screamed at him, “You are helping a former Dalish elven apostate, now turned blood mage, enemy of the Chantry, and now all Thedas, return to her human husband. To find a moment’s peace before death claims her.” She looked away, “I’m a blood mage…a fucking blood mage. I killed those _people_ …” She sobbed as Loranil looked away from her, he not knowing how to respond or comfort her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, there's more on the way.


	5. Barriers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to Lavellan's and Cullen's wedding at the Winter Palace.
> 
> We find out what happens to Cullen back when the Templars attacked his and Lavellan's estate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First a little smut, then a little more story.

Over a year ago, at the beginning of the Exalted Council:

Cullen and Lavellan stood at a private altar, Mother Giselle stood before them. Lavellan had her long black hair pulled back into a bun. She wore a simple white gown they purchased from one of the nearby vendors. Cullen held her hands in his, a big smile was spread across his face. He looked her in her eyes, he squeezed her hands gently. They were marrying each other in secret.

“Just now,” He said softly, “everything feels like it was worth fighting for.”

“It was.” She told him.

“What happens now?” He whispered to her.

“I make a promise.” She stared lovingly into him, “Sylaise enaste var aravel. Lama, ara las mir lath. Bellanaris.” She slid a golden band onto his left ring finger. “And then you.”

“Oh right,” Cullen clears his throat, “I swear, unto the Maker and the holy Andraste, to love this woman the rest of my days.” He then slid a gold band onto her left ring finger. Her anchor pulsed at his touch.

Mother Giselle nods, gesturing them to embrace, sealing their oaths. Cullen takes Lavellan gently into his arms. He cups the back of her head and leans into her, pressing his lips to hers. She parts her lips, inviting his tounge into her. He presses her harder into him.

“Uh mm.” Mother Giselle cleared her throat.

Cullen and Lavellan pulled away, the two of them blushing. Mother Giselle gave the two of them her blessing and left them. The two of them stood there, staring into each other’s eyes.

“Maker.” Cullen breathed, “I still cannot believe this, that you are now my _wife_.” He pulled her to him again and hugged her firmly. “I never want to let you go.”

Lavellan smiled, “I never want you to let me go. But I have to answer to the council soon.” She was quiet for a moment, contemplative. Then she sighed, “I think I will need to disband the inquisition.”

Cullen stroked his hand against her head, “Whatever you decide, I am yours. But…if I may say something, we’ve done our work. We could start our life together. Find a home.” He kissed the top of her head, “Can you imagine…living day to day without fighting demons?”

Lavellan looked up at him, “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”

“Oh, about that,” His smile was devilish, “I have some ideas.”

She laughed, “Like? Do I even want to know?”

“I was thinking….you’ll be too busy chasing after little ones.”

Lavellan had never had the thought of children enter her mind. Not with all they have been dealing with. But now, if she were to disband their forces…there were possibilities to consider.

“We shall see,” She smiled. She pulled away, “Walk back with me? I need to change prior to attending the council.” She took his hand, and they walked together, heading back to her private room. Cullen was eyeballing her as they walked. 

“What is it commander?” She teased him.

They were walking past an alcove. Cullen stopped, looked around him and then pulled her into the alcove with him. He kissed her passionately, running his hands through her hair, releasing her bun, her hair falling down past her shoulders. She pulled away, only long enough for a short protest, “Cullen…we’re” she kept kissing him, “outdoors…” she ran her hands up his back, squeezing his muscles, “someone,” he ran his hand down to her ass and pulled her into him, “might catch” she could feel his hardness against her, “ _us..._ ” she moaned into his mouth. 

He hiked her dress up to her waist, then lifted her up onto him, she wrapped her legs around him. With one hand he held her, the other her quickly undid his pants. As they kissed, he could feel her heat on him. He pulled himself free and thrusted into her. She rode him, bouncing up and down, grinding against him. They humped each other, moaned into each other, there in that small alcove in the Winter Palace. They knew at any moment, someone could come upon them. This excited Lavellan beyond measure. She never thought she would fuck Cullen in public, nor thought he was the type to take her there.

“Maker, you feel so _good_ …” he breathed into her. He ran his hand against her cheek, smiling as she moaned into him.

“Just keep fucking me,” she demanded. “Don’t STOP!”

He renewed his efforts, he turned the two of them around, to rest her up against the wall. He thrusted himself deeper, and deeper, pulling her hips as far into him as he could. She grinded her sex on him, circling her hips to his rhythm. He felt himself about to release.

“Cullen…” she moaned.

“Elle…” at the release of her name from his lips, he felt her release onto him. Her walls clenched him as she creamed him. “Elle” he growled. He took a final thrust and spilled into her. Her fingers dug into his shoulders, tearing at the fabric of his shirt. The anchor in her left hand pulsed brightly, blindingly. He convulsed as she held him. He slumped against her and the wall and let out a long sigh of relief. She tapped his shoulder, urging him to let her down so she could collect herself. He obliged, kissing her as he lifted her off him. He felt himself slide out of her, and gave her frown, “Awww..”

She giggled, “I need to get back. Now that the excitement and thrill of this is gone, all I feel is panic that we’ll be found out.”

As he fixed his pants, he looked devilishly at her, “My Inquisitor, this would be quite the scandal. I didn’t think you to be _this_ adventurous.”

“Nor I you, Commander,” She winked at him. “Now I need to go change, I’ll leave you here, you are _far_ too distracting to come with me. I’ll never make it before the council at this rate.”

“Before you go…” He reached out and pulled her to him, he leaned his head to her ear and spoke softly, “Ar lath ma, ma Vhenan.” His accent was clumsy, but it endeared her to hear him speak her tongue. She felt shivers run down her spine.

She cupped his face, her anchor pulsing brightly. “Ma Vhenan, I _love_ you!” She kissed him sweetly. She then let him go, walking away to go get herself cleaned up, to meet with the council.

* * *

Couple months ago at the Cullen/Lavellan estate, after the Templar attack.

Cullen was slumped against Elle’s barrier. He guessed he’d been beating against it, futilely, for about an hour, or maybe a life time. He had never been so angry with her before this. His blood was boiling. How she could restrain him in such a manner was beyond him. Especially considering the last time he was in such a barrier, demons toyed with his mind at the Ferelden circle. He almost wished the Hero of Ferelden would come rescue him from his current hell.   

His mind had been racing, non-stop, angry, depressed, panicked, and worried. Was she alright? Did she escape the Templars? Did they kill her? Did they capture her? He banged his head against the barrier.

“Fuck, fuck fuck.” The barrier suddenly dropped. “Oomf!” He fell onto his face. It took a moment for the surprise to wear off. He then rushed to his feet, raced up the steps, and opened the cellar doors. The cool air encircled him, the last light of dusk was fleeting. He unsheathed his sword and called her name, not caring what attention he brought to himself. He was panicked and heartbroken.

_How could she leave me?!_

He ran around to the front of their home. He saw bodies of four dead Templars and Rocky. Cullen ran to Rocky. The poor hound had a sword through him, pinning him into the ground. He was still alive, whimpering.

“Aw,” Cullen stroked Rocky’s fur, “I’m so sorry boy.” He couldn’t heal Rocky without Elle’s magic. Rocky would suffer, bleed out slowly. Cullen covered Rocky’s eyes, then ran his sword across Rocky’s jugular, blood spilling from him. Tears welled up in Cullen’s eyes as he watched his friend die. He looked away. He noticed scorch marks on the ground, most likely from her magic. He followed the scorch marks for a short distance. He saw a ring on the ground, the grass was flattened, and a lighter color within the ring.

“They smite her…” Cullen gasped. He feared for her. He couldn’t tell which direction they went, all he could do was scream for her.

“Elle! ELLE!” He called for her, scanning the horizon for any movement. He didn’t see any. He ran back to his home, to grab the bag he was packing before the Templars came. Once inside the home, he ran upstairs to their bedroom, tore open their wardrobe. He grabbed a couple of animal pets and a fur lined hooded cloak. He put on the cloak and packed the pelts into his pack. As he was leaving their room, a faint pink glow caught his eye. On the nightstand was Elle’s sending crystal, given to her by Dorian. Cullen rushed to the nightstand and picked up the crystal. He rubbed it, shook it, yelled at it, but nothing seemed stir it.

“Fenedhis!” He hissed, “How did she make this work? Dorian!” he shouted at the crystal. “Fuck!” He slammed his fist on the nightstand in frustration. He then kicked it over, yelling in aggravation. With the sending crystal in his hand, and his pack on his back, he stormed out of their room, knocking over anything in his path. Once he was downstairs, he frantically searched for paper to write a message to Leliana. Cullen and Elle had their own ravens, they roosted in the stables with the horses. He hastily wrote his note and rolled it up. He left the home they shared together and headed to their stables, storming in the dark that had finally fallen around him. As he walked in haste, he passed by two bodies. He stopped to get a closer look. He knelt down and leaned in.

“I should have brought a light,” he cursed. He leaned in closer. “It’s the elves. Who were they?” Both elves were bare faced, no Vallaslin. They worse simple green cloaks and tunics. Nothing really remarkable about them except they were good with a bow. “Well I suppose not good enough,” Cullen remarked as he saw the wounds from the Templar swords. Something caught his eye in the moonlight. One of the elves laid there, their head turned to the side. Under their ear was a mark, it had a subtle glow. “What is that?” Cullen took a closer look. It was a brand of what looked to be a dog or wolf paw. He hadn’t seen a mark like that before. He went to the other elf and turned his head to the side. Same brand, glowing slightly in the dark.

Cullen left them, resuming his walk towards his stables. As he got closer, he realized it was too quiet. He slowed his walk and listened. He couldn’t hear whinnies, or stamping, or breathing. No caws coming from the ravens. Nothing. He entered the barn, coming upon his horses slain. Their bodies slumped against the walls of their stalls. Their throats cut. Cullen checked each stall, it was all the same. No signs of life. He then rushed to the raven cages. All that was there was a pile of blood and feathers.

“FUCK!” he screamed. He went mad, tossing his pack across the barn, kicking over barrels, dumping the water troughs over, shaking the raven’s cages. He tossed over cupboards, haystacks…anything not bolted down. After there was nothing left to topple over, he collapsed. He placed his head in his hands and rocked, despair was overtaking him.

BING…..BING…..

Cullen looked up, looking for what had made the sound. It was rhythmic. He saw just a few feet from him, the sending crystal, pulsing a pink light. He crawled over to it and at his touch, he heard a familiar voice.

“Ellie my dear friend, tell me! How did our commander take the good news?” It was Dorian’s voice.

Cullen choked up, “Dorian?”

There was a pause, then a tone of surprise, “Cullen? Where’s uh, where’s Ellie? And what’s that sound you’re making? Are you that choked up over becoming a father?”

Cullen’s heart skipped a beat, “What did you say?”

“Fasta vass!” Dorian hissed, “Did I just ruin the surprise? Why do you have the crystal? Where is Ellie? Not that I’m complaining that I get to talk to _you_ but…you know…”

There was an awkward silence between them. Cullen was still trying to wrap his head around the word _father_.

“Cullen, now you have me worried. What is happening?” Dorian’s voice expressed genuine concern.

Cullen choked on his words, “Elle…Elle’s been taken…I think. Templars came for her.” Tears began rolling down his cheek, “Maker…I’ve failed her.”

“Templars? Andraste’s TITS! What are you talking about?” Dorian demanded.

Cullen wiped his face, and shook off his despair, “Dorian, listen to me carefully. Do you keep in contact with Leliana?”

“Y-yes. I can send her a message via her Little Birds. It will take days to reach her.”

Cullen spoke into the crystal, his voice finally steady, “You must tell her that we received her warning too late. Elle has possibly been taken by Templars, under Divine Victoria’s authority. She is to be taken to Val Royaeux for judgment. It is possible Elle escaped them. If she did, we need to make sure we have people waiting at the _meeting place_.”

“Fasta vass! How did this happen? I thought the rumors were just…the crazy talk of bored noble piss heads. But for Vivienne to actually turn against Ellie…I thought she was a bitch, but THIS is a new low.”

“We can debate this later Dorian…I need…I don’t know what I need…she left me Dorian.”

“What do you mean Cullen?” Dorian’s asked softly.

“She didn’t have faith in my abilities. She caged me in a barrier, fearing I would get myself killed. She did it to protect me…but it means she didn’t have faith that I could protect her. She left me…and now, Maker knows what has happened to her Dorian.”

“You can’t do this right now, “ Dorian said sternly. “You need to get yourself together. She needs you to get to her, however you need to do that. You need to get moving for her sake. There is no time to wallow in whatever it is you are feeling. It is quite unbecoming of you.”

Cullen nodded, even though Dorian couldn’t see him. He held the crystal tightly in his hand. He pulled it close into his chest, “Dorian,” he paused, debating what he wanted to say. “What did you mean when you said _father_?”

Dorian was silent for a moment, the silence seemed to stretch between them. Then Dorian responded, “You are going to be a father, Cullen. She found out she was pregnant. She was going to tell you, I’m sorry she didn’t get a chance to.”

Cullen’s mouth went dry, “How…how far along is she? Did she know?”

“She estimated maybe a month or two. You have one more life that is depending on you. Do you know where you need to start?”

Cullen remembered Leliana’s missive. He pulled it from his breeches and unrolled it. He scanned it, “Leliana mentions a safe house that we should go…I should go to. I’ll start there. Dorian, you need to hear this missive.” Cullen read the missive to him.

 

_Cullen and Ellana,_

_Cassandra has informed me that Divine Victoria means to have you come under the Chantry’s Judgement. Increased pressure from nobility across Thedas and rumors of Ellana’s relationship with Solas (Fen’Harel) spread like wildfire. There are numerous accounts on elves either turning on their masters or disappearing entirely. The Chantry is nervous and now mistrustful of those that were apart of the inquisition. You both need to leave your home immediately. A New Exalted March is upon us._

_I have made arrangements for a safe house. Go to the Hinterlands, go north of the crossroads, follow the King’s Road until her see a cottage, a red ribbon tied around the mail post._

_Also, I have concerns regarding Cassandra’s loyalty. I fear that she may have turned against us, falling on her duty like a sword. Our meeting place could be compromised, precautions should be taken if the need arises to meet there._

_Be safe, I hope this reaches you in time._

_Leli_

 

“Did you say she is worried about Cassandra? Andraste’s flaming sword! And the threat of an Exalted March?”

“Yes…” Cullen said simply.

“Cullen,” Dorian said seriously, “You need to get to that safe house. I will send a message to Leliana from here, but you need to get to that safe house as soon as you can. With how long it takes to get messages anywhere, it is better you try and send a message from the Hinterlands. Why didn’t I think of giving our spy master a sending crystal?”

Cullen laughed a little, “Dorian, thank you.”

“Keep me with you commander. The crystal should be on a chain. I’m a little angry Ellie wasn’t wearing me. But you just wrap me around that muscular chest of yours.”

“Quite.” Cullen snorted. He pulled the chain attached to the crystal, over his head. “Dorian, how do I use this to reach you?”

“To make a call to me, you have to press on the top and bottom of the crystal and just use your _will_ to contact me. If I call you, it responds to your touch.”

“Thank you Dorian, it was good to speak with you.”

“Cullen,” Dorian’s voice was low, “Ellie is counting on you. She trusts and loves you infinitely. Do not doubt yourself. Not now, not ever. There is no time to despair. She and your _child_ need you now.”

Cullen held the crystal tightly, “Thank you Dorian. I’ll keep you close.”

“Good man. We’ll speak soon.” The crystal’s glow faded. Cullen stood, collected his bag, pulled on his cloak and lifted the hood over his head. He left the stable without looking back, and headed west, towards the Crossroads.


	6. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan shares a fade dream with Solas.
> 
> Lavellan and Loranil finally make it to the Pilgrim's Path. Complications arise with Lavellan's pregnancy.
> 
> An old friend comes to her aid, drawn to her pain.

Lavellan stood at the edge of a small lake in a glade. Rocky walls surrounded the lake, a small waterfall babbled down into the pool, its ripples reflecting the light of the moon. A low fog was dancing along the top of the water. Lavellan looked at her reflection in the pool, it was quite different than how she remembered she looked at the present time. Instead of her hair dirty and matted, it was sleek and radiant. Her cheeks were full instead of gaunt, her eyes youthful instead of dark. She pulled her hair back behind her ears and gasped…both her ears were pointed, her right ear whole and not mutilated. Her hands began to shake. She lifted up her shirt, raising it to just under her breasts, looking at her belly. It was flat, no bulge.

“What?” She said, in almost a panic. She stood and looked around her surroundings. The place looked familiar.

_I’ve been here before…_

“Vhenan.” Solas’s voice called sweetly to her.

Lavellan froze, her heart racing. She didn’t want to turn to face him. She heard his steps, light on the ground, walk slowly up to her. He stopped, a couple feet from her back. She slowly turned to face him. He stood there, looking sad as he gazed upon her. He smiled warmly at her, remaining silent, waiting for her to acknowledge him.

“What am I doing here?” Lavellan said harshly.

Solas looked disappointed, “You cannot guess where we are?”

Lavellan took another look around, it finally occurred to her where they were. It was the place where she and Solas spent a romantic evening together, where he took away her Vallaslin and then broke her heart. Then she realized she was dreaming.

“This isn’t real…we’re in the fade.” She realized.

“Yes.”

“Why do I look like this? How?” She gestured to herself.

Solas raised an eyebrow, “How should you look?”

She looked him in his eyes, “ _Different_.”

“Well the simple answer is, because this is my dream. You are the intruder here, not me. So you look the way I remember you. If you look different in the real world, I would not know how that would be.”

“How am I in your dream?” She was puzzled. “Did you call me to you?”

Solas chuckled, “No. You came to me on your own volition. I didn’t do a good job with my wards, apparently.”

Lavellan was angry at his words. But he was right, she did want to see him. A part of her wanted to see him, to get answers.

“So,” he continued, “you have my attention, Vhenan. We have a little time, before we must leave.”

“I’m not your _Vhenan_. And why don’t you just cast me aside already, hasn’t stopped you before.” She hissed.

Solas looked solemn, “Whatever I am to you, doesn’t change what you are to me. I cannot resist you in the moment, so I’m giving you…and me…some time.”

Lavellan felt a pang a guilt. Her emotions began running away from her, confusing her. She thought that part of her, the part that loved him, was gone. But now that he stood before her, she could not reconcile her feelings. Solas could see how she struggled with herself. He stepped closer to her.

“You must have questions,” His voice was low.

Lavellan looked into his eyes, his gaze was drawing her in. She felt helpless in that moment, to resist him. He reached out to her, embraced her, then leaned into kiss her. She thought of Cullen and she pulled back from him.

“I-I can’t, Solas.” Tears started to run down her cheek. “Whatever was between us, is gone.”

“Vhenan, then why did you seek me out?” He moved closer to her.

“Because, you need to answer for yourself!” She felt her own emotions were betraying her. Years of believing that she had let him go, now seemed to unravel. “Do you know what you have brought upon our world? Upon _me_?” She screamed at him. “They have declared me an enemy to the Chantry, to Ferelden, to Orlais! They think I’m a chief agent of Fen’Harel, that I’ve been _yours_ from the beginning. They’ve declared me an apostate, an interloper. They took me from my home, from my husband,” Solas’s face twisted at her mentioning Cullen, “they beat me, starved me, cut off my ear, and paraded me as a traitor in front of the common folk…” Her face grew dark, “they _raped_ me and in my anger I tore them apart with _blood_ magic.” Solas just stared at her, silent, emotionless. She calmed a little “and the best or worst part about this, I can’t decide which it is, that I’m pregnant.”

Solas looked shocked. He started to ask, “Is it…” but he couldn’t finish.

Lavellan laughed crazily at his implication that it could be the man’s who raped her, “Is it the Templar bastard who forced himself on me? No Solas, it is not. Is it better knowing that it is Cullen’s child? Or worse? Tell me Solas, whose child would you prefer it to be? Which of those options would weigh better on your mind?” Her words were venom.

Her implication that Solas would prefer the child to be an accident out of rape instead of a child out of love with Cullen, wounded him. Offended him. “You think me a monster.” He stated simply. Lavellan was silent. Solas reached for her, “Vhenan…” he called to her desperately.

“Don’t you touch me!” She pulled away from him.

“Ir abelas ma vehnan, for what hardships have befallen you.”

“Hardships?” She laughed at him, “Whatever Solas, whatever you have to tell yourself to help you rest easy.”

“Vhenan..”

She swung at him, her fist making contact with his cheek. Solas looked at her, sadness his only expression. He held his cheek, rubbing the red from it.

“I’m NOT your VHENAN!” She spat. “If I were, you would have helped me, you would have not let them do this to me! You would not want to destroy this world!” She looked at him, her eyes wide. Solas became expressionless. He stood tall and placed his hands behind his back.

“I do not want to destroy this world, it is just a possibility that it may be necessary to restore our people.”

“Who are your people Solas? I’m apparently not one of them.”

Solas’s face twisted, jealousy getting the better of him, “Apparently, you are a whore for a shem.”

“Well,” She growled, “It’s a hell of a lot better than being Fen’Harel’s. At least Cullen stands by his whore.”

“Just like you stood by him?”

She hissed, “What are you talking about?”

“You abandoned him, when the Templars attacked. And in your folly, you were captured and tortured. How would things be different if you would have put your trust in Cullen?”

“You-you’re saying that me being raped is my fault?” She said incredulously.

“Indirectly yes. You accused me, were angry with me, for not trusting you. Yet you did not trust the man you love…”

“No, that’s wrong, ” She vehemently denied. “How do you even know about that?” She demanded.

“Those elven archers, were my people. In a failed attempt to stop the Templars.”

She scoffed, “So you send _two_ scouts to stop 6 Templars? Thanks for the help.” She spat at him, “it actually made more of a mess! I was going to give myself willingly. And then they… _you_ forced the Templar’s hand.”

“Tell me Lethallan, would it have gone peacefully if you had given yourself up? Would have Cullen allowed them to take you?”

Lavellan stopped and searched her memory. She remembered Cullen, about to protest when she surrendered. He had unsheathed his sword, ready to attack before the elves killed two of the Templars. She fell to her knees.

 _No, no he wouldn’t have. He was ready to fight for me…and I locked him away. And now, who knows what has happened to him._  

Solas approached her and knelt beside her. He rested a hand on her shoulder.

“Ir abelas ma Vhenan. I have been unworthy of you. I want you to know, that I have been watching you, doing what I can to keep this madness from harming you. I see that I have been failing, miserably. I know it must mean nothing to you now, but I want to tell you anyway, for whatever it is worth.” He leaned in close to her, “Ar lath ma, ma Vhenan, bellanaris.” He turned to kiss her head. She looked up and met him with her lips. She caressed his cheek with her hand, he cupping her head in his. He pressed against her lips, firmly. After a moment, he pulled from her, “Cullen is luckier than he knows. I’m envious of him, I’ll not lie to you. But it was not meant to be in this life, Vhenan. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, you are the last person that I would ever want to hurt and it seems you have been the first.” He sighed, “It is time for us to part.”

“Why are you doing this? The elves have lived for so long in this world, the way it is, do we really need what was? Why can’t you help us fix things in this world, instead of destroying it? All these people…”

“Tell me, after all you have experienced…after all you have done for these people…look at how they would throw you away for their trifle politics…would it be so bad for this world to end?” He stood up to leave her.

Lavellan placed her hand on her flat belly, “Solas…” he glanced back at her, “there is hope…there has to be hope. I want to save this world, for _her_ ,” she held her abdomen.

Solas turned and walked away from her, “It’s time to …wake up.” 

* * *

Lavellan opened her eyes. Dawn’s first light peaked from beyond the Frostbacks. She watched as the vapor from her breath escaped her. She sat up and saw that Loranil was already packing up the camp. Not looking up from his activity, he asked her, “How did you sleep?”

Lavellan sighed, “Not well.” As she made her attempt to get up, she groaned. She grabbed her belly, feeling the roundness of it gave her peace. She sighed, relieved. She felt a lovingly kick from her belly.

“Loranil! Quick!” She beckoned him, waving her hand to him.

He rushed to her, “What’s wrong?”

She grabbed his hand and placed it on her belly, “Shhhh!” They waited. Loranil looked at her strangely, wondering what was supposed to happen. And then he felt it. He felt the baby move within her. A big smile spread across both their faces.

“Is this the first time you’ve felt it?” He asked her.

“Yes, it’s the first time I’ve felt her,” Lavellan replied.

“ _Her?_ ”

Lavellan smiled, “Her.”

Loranil looked confused, “How do you know? It could be a boy?”

Lavellan didn’t answer, instead “Help me up please.”

“You’re not that big yet,” he laughed but helped her to her feet anyway.

They were now in the Frostbacks, close to the Pilgrim’s Path. Lavellan was more uneasy, the closer they were getting to their destination. That and the dream she woke from, left a bad taste in her mouth. She had mixed feelings that she didn’t know how to reconcile. She felt joy at feeling her baby move for the first time but sorrow that Cullen wasn’t there to share the experience. She felt excitement for the possibility that she was close to seeing him again, but fear that he might not be there. She felt uneasiness for what she experienced in the fade and confusion as to why she kissed Solas…and guilt.

“Let’s keep going Lethallan, we should reach the path today, don’t you think?” Loranil inquired.

Lavellan took a look ahead of them. The climb was going to get steep, but she was sure it was just over the ridge, perhaps five miles up. She touched her belly and sighed, “I think we can make it today, I hope. I don’t get around as quick as I did before.”

“Lead the way,” Loranil gestured for her to take the lead. Lavellan obliged.

As they made the climb, Lavellan could feel her heart pound against her chest, her body working harder now that it was supporting another life. Her lungs burned for more oxygen. They had to take frequent breaks for which Lavellan continued to apologize, but Loranil comforted her by telling her to take her time. They continued for the next several hours, the climb getting steeper as they went. As they went up, she felt her belly tighten with each breath.

At last they made it to the top of the ridge. Lavellan felt her chest straining for breath and felt her abdomen tighten, cramp. She held herself and winced in pain. She shook it off, trying to control her breathing. She took a couple of steps forward to look below them. She could see a valley and an overgrown path that went up another ridge. She pointed it out to Loranil, “There, that overgrown path. It leads to the ruins of Haven. We can’t see it from here, because the path is so overgrown, but there is a cave there, where our scouts would run supplies that were…uh…um smuggled. Only those few scouts and three other people knew of that cave. So it should be a safe place.”

“What if,” Loranil hesitated, “what if he isn’t there?”

“Then we wait.” She said simply.

“But, it’s taken us months…how long do you think it’s been since you were separated?”

She felt her belly, felt its roundness and size, “I’m thinking maybe three or four months? If I’m measuring baby correctly. I think I’m around five or six months along. If it weren’t for her, I would have lost track of time.”

“How do you know?” He asked.

“I’ve helped other pregnant women, in my clan. I know a thing or two about it, I just haven’t experienced it for myself yet.” She felt her abdomen tighten again, “ooh.” She doubled over.

“Lethallan!” Loranil was at her side, holding her, “What’s the matter?”

“It…hurts” she held her belly as it cramped and tightened. _What’s wrong? Did I push myself too hard up the mountain? Just breathe…just breathe_ she tried to tell herself. She started taking deep breaths, to calm herself. The cramping became worse. She felt fluid drip from between her legs. Just a trickle.

_Oh no…._

She placed her hand between her legs and felt the warm fluid. She brought her hand back up and saw blood.

 _Oh no…please, not now_!

Panic set in and she could no longer control her breathing. Loranil pleaded with her to calm down and tell him what to do. Lavellan just pushed him away and began crawling, making her way over the ridge, wanting to head to the Pilgrim’s path.

 _If I can just get there…maybe he will be there_.

“What are you doing? You’re bleeding, you need to stop and rest. We need to calm you down.”

She cried in pain as the cramping got worse.

 _No, no, no, no!_ _If I lose her, I’ll lose myself…please no!_

“Cramping, tightening, fear and self loathing…she does not want to leave you. You must want to stay for her to stay.” Cole appeared beside her, his words echoing in her head.

“Who the…,” Loranil took his bow and began to set and arrow, “where did you come from? Hey you!”

Lavellan held up her hand to Loranil, grimacing in pain and fear. “N-no, a friend!”

Cole embraced her, “Desperate, despairing, deserted…you hold onto a hope that he will be there waiting, so you will not be alone anymore. I am here, I hope to help.” 

She began to cry.

“Breathe easy, breathe slowly. Feel your heart and slow its beating down. She fights you because you fight you.” Cole stroked her hair as she cried. Lavellan began taking deep breaths. Cole continued, “You have many who still depend on you, yet you can’t depend on yourself. Your emotions will get the better of you, of her. It isn’t your fault.”

She held Cole tightly to her, crying from pain, from despair, from relief an old friend was with her. He held her and rocked her. Loranil joined them and breathed with Lavellan. Slowly, her breathing became less sporadic, the cramping was lessoning.

“Don’t let what has past, change who you are into something you wish you weren’t. Let it make you stronger and harden…”

“your heart to a cutting edge…” she whispered, finishing Cole’s sentence, remembering Solas was the first to tell her that.

“Yes. You’re breathing is normal now. Do you still have pain?” Cole asked her.

“A little. Cole?” She looked up at him, “What are you doing here?”

He withdrew from his embrace of her, feeling satisfied she was calm. “He asked me to help you. You had Templars following, I kept leading them away. I’ve been watching, waiting, listening.”

“You!” Loranil had an epiphany. “It was your presence I had been feeling. When all the animals go quiet, when the air is unsettling, it was you.”

“Yes.” Cole admitted.

“Loranil,” Lavellan addressed him, talking low, “Cole is a…a complicated person.”

“Spirit,” Cole corrected.

“Spirit? Demon!” Loranil stepped back.

“No!” Lavellan shouted, “He’s a friend. He’s unique.”

“You sound like him.” Cole turned to Lavellan.

She groaned at the comparison, knowing Cole referred to Solas. She looked down, between her legs. Spots of blood were on the snow packed ground. It didn’t look to be much blood. She touched herself to feel if she was still bleeding. She didn’t feel much.

“Are you okay?” Loranil asked, a slight panic in his voice.

“I don’t know,” Lavellan admitted. “Maybe…the hike was too much. With all that my body has been through…I don’t know.” She had placed her hand on her stomach and pressed in, feeling the baby. Trying to get her to move. She felt no response.

“Let me help you,” Cole grabbed her arm and helped her onto her feet.

“Why did you decide to show up now?” Loranil demanded.

Cole faced Loranil, “Lost but hopeful, terrified yet brave, you left your people in hopes you could save them from themselves. Like the Inquisitor. You have admired her and love her, but will never admit it to her.”

Loranil blushed, “I-uh…you’re crazy.”

Lavellan smiled a small smile, “He seems like he is. He actually makes the most sense out of anyone I have met.”

Cole continued, “I came to help. She needed a friend, a familiar face. She was starting to lose hope, lose herself.”

Loranil felt hurt from Cole’s words. Loranil only wanted to help Lavellan, but it seemed he was failing her.

“You did not fail her, you helped, but you just can’t give her what she needed at this moment.” Cole was reading his mind.

Lavellan smiled in acknowledgement of Cole’s words. She turned to Cole and addressed him, “So you’re working for Solas?”

Cole shook his head, “I don’t work for him. I’m doing a favor for a friend to watch a friend. He told me you would need compassion, so what better place for a spirit of compassion to be, than with one who needed me.”

“Why didn’t you make yourself known to me?”

“He said you might have turned me away, assuming I would be connected to him.”

Lavellan considered Cole’s words. _He’s right, in the state I was in…I would have spurned him._

“I think I’m ready to keep moving. Please help me Cole.” Cole approached her and hung her arm over his shoulder. Together they slowly made their way down into the valley, towards the Pilgrim’s Path.


	7. Black Swan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by Thom Yorke's song, 'Black Swan' .
> 
> Cullen reaches the safe house and meets up with a familiar face. He learns some devastating news.

Several weeks ago, sometime after the Templar attack at the Cullen/Lavellan estate:

Reaching the crossroads of the Hinterlands, Cullen, hooded in a brown cloak, carrying a pack on his back, and wearing a sword at his waist, looked no different from many of the travelers that were passing through. He felt that as long as his hood stayed up over his head, no none would take two looks at him, drawing the attention of the many Templars that were crawling throughout the area. He saw a couple patrolling the more heavily trafficked areas – near the merchant stands, the apothecary, and near a local tavern. Cullen didn’t remember a tavern being in the area of the crossroads several years ago, but since the Inquisition had liberated the hinterlands and restored proper authority to Redcliffe, the area seemed to be booming.

Many of the locals of the area, were gathered in clusters in the Crossroads. As Cullen passed by quietly, he could overhear remnants of the conversations. Many of them seemed to be gossiping about a recent event.

“I heard they passed through here, brandishing her a traitor!” One woman’s voice exclaimed.

“I saw who they claimed was her…there’s no way, she looked like an alienage beggar.” He heard another woman say.

Cullen walked further along the road, making sure to not make eye contact with any of the Templars he passed.

He overheard one man say, “Do you really think she was working against us this entire time?”

“She must have been,” a woman replied, she spoke, annoyed with the man’s question, “it’s obvious she was a false herald. It was preposterous of the Inquisition to prop up some elf as the Herald of Andraste.”

It took everything in Cullen to not speak out against the woman’s ignorance. He kept walking by, but could still hear the woman as he walked past her.

“When they paraded her through the Crossroads,” she continued, “I thought it was about time. I hope they show her no mercy.”

“What are you saying?” Said the man, “After all she has done? No one not sent by the Maker could have accomplished all the good will she has. You’re mad to say anything against her.”

“So you’re saying the Chantry is lying?” The woman spat.

“No…” the man hesitated, “I don’t know. I’m saying I think they are wrong about the Herald. I mean, you saw her right? What in the world did they do to her?”

Their voices faded as Cullen walked away. Their words sat sourly in the pit of his stomach. _She has been through here? But what did he mean by ‘did they do to her?’_ It took every ounce of control Cullen had left, to not start demanding answers from the locals. It was obvious that Elle had recently been through the area, apparently being paraded around by the Templar’s that caught her. As Cullen passed by several other locals, he overheard their gossip as well, much of it was the same. People arguing at whether Elle was conspiring against the Chantry or if she was beginning an elven rebellion across Orlais and Ferelden. One astute woman thought she was just being hushed by the Chantry who had grown too fearful of what it meant if Andraste had really sent an elf as their herald and how that elf and mage, had saved them all. Hearing the conversation around him, made him ill.

Cullen passed through the main area of the Crossroads, making his way along the western road. He passed by few houses, along that road until he came upon a small cottage. In front of the cottage, along a small stone path that led up to its door, was a mail post. Around the post was a think red ribbon tied around it. Cullen found it to be unremarkable, if he wasn’t looking for it, he wouldn’t have thought twice about its appearance. He walked up to the door of the cottage and knocked.

After a moment, the door opened a crack, a familiar deep voice answered.

“What is it?” The question was brash, suspicious.

Cullen hesitated but then pulled back his hood slightly, revealing his face, “I’ve been told you were expecting me.”

The door swung open revealing the jovial smile of Blackwall. The two men embraced each other in a hug, Blackwall smacking Cullen’s back.

“It’s good to see you Cullen.” Blackwall said sincerely.

They pulled back from their embrace and Cullen stepped hastily inside the cottage, Blackwall closing and latching the door behind him. Cullen wasted no time and started in on Blackwall.

“Blackwall, have you heard what has happened? Have you talked to Leliana recently? The common folk are all a titter, gossiping about Elle, saying that’s she has recently been through the area!”

Blackwall put his hands up, “Cullen, please sit down, we have a lot to discuss, and please call me Thom.” Thom gestured for Cullen to take a seat at the table behind him. A fire was going in the fireplace nearby, a pot was steaming over it. Cullen sighed, pulled off his hood and backpack, and sat heavily down at one of the chairs. Thom walked over to the steaming pot, grabbed a bowl off of a shelf above it, and began dishing something into it.

“You’re going by Thom now?” Cullen asked.

Thom nodded, “I have been, for awhile now. Reclaimed my name again. Been doing good.”

Cullen nodded. “That’s good then.”

“I gather Ellana doesn’t talk much about me then?” Thom laughed.

Cullen sighed, “I’m sorry, Thom, I just have other things pressing on my mind.”

Thom could detect the impatience in Cullen’s voice. He finished filling the bowl and placed it in front of Cullen, “Some stew. Please eat. I will tell you everything you want to know.”

Thom sat in a chair across from Cullen, leaning forward, his elbows resting on the table, his hands folded. He just stared at Cullen, not saying a word.

Cullen looked around nervously, “What is the…” 

“Not until you try the stew,” Thom interrupted.

“But I’m not…”

“Have you eaten much on the road to here?”

“Well…um…” Cullen stammered.

“Right. You need to keep yourself strong Commander.” Thom smiled, gesturing for Cullen to proceed.

Cullen sighed and began spooning the stew into his mouth. Thom, pleased with himself, began talking.

“To answer your first question, yes I have been informed by the Nightingale of what is going on at the Grand Cathedral. She told me that tensions have been building steadily since the disbandment of the Inquisition. Ellana disbanding her forces served herself up right on a platter to the Chantry. She did them a favor, you know. After a couple of months, once you and she had retired to your estate, the estate the council so charitably gifted to you, they were quick to begin the slander against the former Inquisitor. This became easier for the Chantry to do once it became more widely known among the nobility about Fen’Harel and his link to the disappearances of their many elven servants.”

Cullen interrupted, “Wait…how would the nobility know about Solas? Or Fen’Harel? That information was not shared with the council. Just the inner….”

“…circle?” Thom supplied. “Yes. Leliana thought maybe information was spreading through Solas’s own agents, as an act to interrupt our efforts. What better way to get rid of a threat, than to set the whole damn Chantry against you right? It is especially convenient isn’t it? Ellana for one, being Dalish, that has been enough of a sore spot against those clerics and some of the more outspoken faithful hasn’t it? That Andraste chose a Dalish elf over a faithful human? And two, she is a _mage_.” Thom busted out with a guttural laugh, “That had the whole lot in a titter to explain that to the faithful, especially after the generations of fear mongering about mages.”

“Blackwall…” Cullen started.

“Thom,” Thom corrected.

“Right. The Chantry’s view on mages…” he began, in defense of his faith.

Thom put his hands up in surrender, “Cullen, I meant no offense. I know what you are about to say, that the Chantry is looking out for the interests of both the mage and the common folk. But I will not argue that their methods have been less than unworthy, surely you see that. I mean, you married a mage…an apostate even. So don’t start sticking up for the Chantry now, especially after what I’m telling you.” Thom’s gaze turned dark. Cullen felt he was being judged, suddenly. He started to feel somewhat hypocritical.

Thom continued, “So, it was either an agent of Fen’Harel or we have sprung a leak in our inner circle. The latter is somewhat more concerning.”

“Cassandra…” Cullen breathed.

Thom raised an eyebrow. “Cassandra?” He then let out a gut-busting laugh.

“Didn’t Leliana mention anything to you?” Cullen pressed, feeling somewhat irritated by Thom’s laughter, “She sent us a message, right before the Templar’s attacked our home. She mentioned Cassandra might betray us. She didn’t mention more than that.”

“Andraste’s tits, you can’t be serious. The Lady Seeker turning against her Herald?” There was a moment of silence between them. Cullen decided to sip on the stew set before him. Thom stared at something past him, lost in thought. After a moment, Thom broke the silence, “So, what er…what happened? I was expecting the two of you to show up here.”

Cullen sighed, pushing the bowl away from him, “It was just a normal day for us. We spent it working our land. We were headed back home to cook dinner when we received Leliana’s message. We then were confronted by the Divine’s Templars. They demanded Elle to surrender, to face judgement.” Cullen covered his face with his hand, “I wasn’t going to let them take her Thom. She was about to give herself up peacefully, but I wasn’t going to have it. I was ready to take all 6 of them on, by myself if I had to. But then, two arrows,” Cullen motioned towards his neck, illustrating arrows piercing it, “killed two Templars. There were two elven archers, firing arrows. We had no idea who they were, but that’s when the Templars attacked. Elle grabbed me, fade-jumped, and locked me in a barrier in our cellar. She said,” Cullen’s face twisted in anger, he finished the sentence with clenched teeth, “ that I couldn’t stand up them. She then left me, and got captured it would seem.”

Thom let out a heavy sigh, “I saw her you know. She was paraded through here.”

Cullen’s eyes went wide, “What do you mean you saw her?”

“She came through here, bound, gagged, forced to walk chained to one of the Templar’s mounts. He shouted something along the lines of ‘Behold, your Herald of Andraste! An elven apostate, an agent of Fen’Harel, leader of the elven uprising!’ He went on, saying the most damning things. She looked beat down. Bloodied, bruised…” Thom trailed off, seeing Cullen’s expression.

“And you did nothing,” Cullen accused.

Thom shrugged, “What would you have had me do? This place is swarming with Templars. I would have been struck down, maybe only getting two or three of them, tops. I have an important part of this resistance against Solas, Cullen.” 

Cullen slammed his fists against the table, incensed, “What would I have you do? I thought you were above being a bystander! How could you watch your Herald be paraded through like some trophy animal after a hunt? How could you let them tie her up, obviously beaten, like some stray mongrel? She was your _Inquisitor_ , your _savior_ , in more ways than one. And you just _watched_. I would have you give your life for hers!” 

Thom glared at Cullen. Cullen’s words cut deeper than he would admit. “Like I said _Cullen_ , I have an important role. I haven’t had the luxury to play house and live blissfully with the one I love for the past year.” He raised his hands up, apologetic, “Not like you two didn’t deserve it, but there have been many of us _working_. We haven’t had a moment’s rest since the inquisition disbanded. We all have our part. I couldn’t sacrifice what I’m doing here, for a chance less than zero of rescuing Ellana. If the chances were greater at my success, I would have absolutely done something, but as it were, chances were far greater that I would have gotten myself and her killed. I’m sorry Cullen, but I stayed back so I could continue building _her_ forces. Live to fight another day.”

Cullen raised an eyebrow, ”Forces?”

Thom nodded, “Yes. Ever since I took back my name, Rainier, I’ve been travelling Thedas, picking up the bottom of the barrel. I’ve been acting like a Grey Warden recruiter really,” Thom laughed a little, “I’ve been helping men become better than they were. Giving them a purpose and putting them on a path to redemption. These men and women now work for me and by extension Leliana. And an extension of that, Ellana. I have also taken up the role of safe house guardian, so-to-speak. Leliana and Sera funnel those running from the Chantry my way. I act as a safe house and recruit them to our cause. I give them new identities and funnel them to other places in Thedas where we need agents. I’m not the only one to be building an army. Sera has taken command over the Red Jennies. She is…I guess you could say, she is _the_ Red Jenny. She wouldn’t admit to you, but she is their de facto leader. She has been a great source of information to Leliana. The Red Jennies are everywhere. That girl, for as crazy as she talks, has a lot of sense.”

Cullen was bewildered, “So…it sounds like the Inquisition wasn’t really ever disbanded.”

“Oh no, it quite effectively was. We have worked very hard, very diligently to rebuild what was torn down.”

“Who are the people running from the Chantry that you mentioned?”

“Mages and broken Templars mostly. Many of the Templars that come to me are Lyrium addicts who committed crimes to feed their addictions. So under your example, I’ve helped them get over their addiction.”

“You’ve successfully weaned them off Lyrium?” Cullen was impressed.

Thom nodded, “Yes. Thanks to you, we know it can be done. And since you so well documented your trial, we have a 100% success rate. The men are so grateful, they swear themselves to our service. Win win, really.”

Cullen frowned, “So you are taking advantage of their situation?”

“Cullen, we are not taking advantage of them. If they don’t want to pay us back for helping them, they don’t have to. They don’t get my services for a price. It is free. It just so happens, these are honorable men who want to give back what was given to them.”

Cullen sighed, relieved that Thom was a better man than what he had done in his past. He would have to start giving him more credit and stop judging him by the actions of his past. It was obvious that wasn’t who Thom was any more.

“Cullen, I have heard some news regarding Ellana. It’s only about a week since she’s been through here. According to Leliana, she was last seen outside Val Royeaux.”

“Last seen…?” Cullen waited for Thom to finish.

Thom gulped, “Yes. She has escaped her captors.”

Cullen wanted to be ecstatic about the good news, but could tell Thom was holding back. He waited for Thom to respond.

Thom sighed, “There is no easy way to put this…she escaped her captors by use of blood magic.”

“A blood mage helped her?”

Thom shook his head, “No, she is the blood mage.”

The accusation from Thom’s lips echoed in Cullen’s ears. He felt himself pull away and the words that echoed in his ears turned into ringing. Cullen shook his head, “Wait, what did you say?”

“She…she was cornered Cullen. Scared, beaten, starved…and Maker knows what else. She wouldn’t resort to what she did without cause…”

Cullen snapped, “She would never use blood magic! She knows the risks of it, the carnage of it, how _wrong_ it is. Maker’s breath! Leliana has to be wrong.”

“Cullen, a Red Jenny confirms it. She witnessed the act. I will spare you the details, but she confirms it was Ellana.” Thom said solemnly.

Cullen pounded his fists against the table, “She’s _wrong!_ There is no excuse for blood magic!” Suddenly memories of the Ferelden circle surfaced in Cullen’s mind. He clawed at his head, trying to pull the memories from himself. Thom stood up suddenly and grabbed Cullen’s shoulders firmly.

“Cullen, get a hold of yourself. Ellana is out there, alone, running. She resorted to what she did because she had no options! Can’t you just take it on faith that she would rather see you again than let herself die? That she would compromise who she is for a chance to be with you again? ‘Cuz that is how I would be taking this right now if I were you.” Thom released his grip as Cullen eased. “She needs us, Cullen. We need to get our forces together and find her.” Thom returned to his seat at the table.

Cullen sighed, placing his head in his hands, “I know where she is headed.”

“Here,” Thom pulled out a pink sending crystal.

“Where did you get that?” Cullen pulled out his crystal from around his neck.

“Oh, Leliana had Dagna make this. I have one that links directly to Leliana. I see you have one too.”

“Yes, but it links to Dorian.”

“Dorian,” Thom snorted, “What news does the magister have?”

Cullen sighed, “It was Elle’s. They used it to talk to one another. Best friends and such. Hey, why don’t Elle and I have a crystal that is directly linked to Leliana. Might have helped us avoid our current situation.” Cullen said snidely.

“Yes, you’re right. But as fate would have it, Dagna hadn’ finished making your crystal yet. You were about to get one, it just takes time to make them. Leliana prioritized who got them first, and well, agents in the field did. I’m sorry this has happened Cullen.”

Cullen didn’t respond. He just sat in silence, spinning his wedding ring around his finger.

“Well, let’s call Leliana.” Thom held the crystal firmly between his forefinger and thumb. The crystal began to glow. After a couple of moments, they could hear Leliana’s voice.

“Thom? Is Cullen with you? Make it’s been weeks. Please tell me he has finally arrived.” Her voice comforted Cullen.

Cullen responded warmly, “Leli, I’ve arrived.”

“Cullen! Thank the Maker! How are you holding up?” Her concern was genuine.

“Not well if I’m honest.”

“Yes, I wouldn’t expect you to be. Cullen, did Blackwall tell you the latest news about Ellana?”

Cullen gulped, “Yes, about her escape?”

Thom chimed in, “Nightingale, I did not give him details of the escape but did tell him she used blood magic.”

“What are the details that you are keeping from me?” He pressed Thom.

“Thom, you should have told him. He deserves to know. He is her husband.” Leliana chided Thom.

Thom sighed, “For fucks sake, this isn’t easy to say. Look, I’ll tell him after we discuss what we need to discuss. Let’s focus on the current task and get moving. Ellana is out there alone and we need to go and get her.”

“Quite right Thom,” Leliana agreed.

Cullen interrupted, “Leli, why doesn’t Thom think Cassandra could betray us?” 

They could hear Leliana sigh, “I didn’t tell him yet because I haven’t been able to confirm whether the Divine has turned her against us.”

“What?!” Thom snorted.

“Thom, Cassandra is a woman of deep faith. She has devoted her life to the Chantry and the Seekers. Now with the rumors of Ellana’s use of blood magic…this will be hard for Cassandra to reconcile. She is not that forgiving when it comes to matters of faith.”

“Maker’s balls!” Thom threw his hands up in the air. “This whole situation…can it get more fucked?”

“Probably, yes.” Leliana stated matter-of-factly. “Thom, there is a meeting place that Cullen, Cassandra, Ellana, Lace Harding, and I came up with in the event we lose contact with one another due to something…well, something like what is happening now. It’s in a smuggler cavern off of the Pilgrim’s Path near the ruins of Haven.”

Cullen interrupted, “Before Elle left me, she told me to meet her there. She means to reach that cave. We have to be there waiting for her.”

“She has a head start,” Thom stated.

Leliana interjected, “She is most likely on foot right now, unless she has acquired a mount. If you and Cullen mount up, you should be able to reach the smuggler’s cave before she does. But…should Cassandra not be able to reconcile what she has heard about Ellana with her faith, the location could be compromised and the Divine could be sending Seekers there to intercept.”

“Have you heard from Cassandra, Leli?” Culled asked.

“No. She has not responded to my inquiries these last couple of days. I fear she may already be on the march. I’m waiting to hear back from my Little Birds. We will just have to work under the assumption that Cassandra is working for Divine Victoria.”

Cullen and Thom both sighed, conceding. Leliana continued, “Thom, Sera is on her way to you, she should be there within a day. You, she, and Cullen should leave immediately to the Frostbacks. Take a small compliment of men with you. I’ll be sending a couple more groups as well. Keep your crystal handy for updates and make sure to keep me updated as well.”

“You got it, nightingale.” Thom said.

“Cullen,” Leliana’s voice was soft, “I am sorry my message didn’t get to you in time. I wasn’t diligent enough. I should have sent a crystal to you two first. Please forgive my oversight.”

“Leli, there is nothing to forgive. You are doing your best. I trust your judgment.” Cullen said simply.

“Even so, please believe my regret. I must part for now, update me when you leave.”

“Leli,” Cullen breathed, “Elle is pregnant.”

Thom’s eyes went wide and then downcast. Leliana breathed heavily, “Cullen…we’ll make sure we get to her first.”

“Take care nightingale.” Thom said.

“Thank you Leli.” Cullen said softly.

The crystal dimmed. Thom returned the crystal to his pocket, his eyes were downcast.

“What were the details you were _sparing_ me from?” Cullen pressed Thom.

Thom sighed, “Maker, you’re not going to let that go, are you? Fine, if you really want to know, but don’t you dare break anything in here. I _warned you_.” Thom stood from his chair and walked across the room. He leaned against a wall, his arms crossed, “The Red Jenny was an elven tavern wench, working that night, serving drinks at a tavern just outside of Val Royeaux. She reported that she saw the Inquisitor, bruised, bloodied, starved even, come out of one of the rooms with a crazed look in her eyes. One Templar that was dining stood from his seat but as soon as he did, she waved a hand and he exploded. Body bits flying everywhere. She then turned her gaze onto all the human patrons. She pulled blood from them, controlled their minds to turn against each other, stabbing and beating one another. Just madness. And she just walked right on out of there, without looking back. The madness didn’t stop until there was only one last man standing, wielding a knife that he used to kill several other men. He woke from her control and fell apart, confused as to what he had done in the time he had lost. The Red Jenny went up to the room Ellana left from, found the remains of someone, strewn all over the room, covering floor and ceiling. She assumed it was the other Templar that had been escorting her.”

Cullen leaned back in his chair, not sure how to process the information.

Thom walked over to Cullen and placed his hand on his shoulder in an attempt to provide some comfort, “Cullen, is it really so bad that she resorted to its use in her darkest hour, if it means you get to see her again? If it means you get a chance to see your child?” 

Cullen thought to himself, struggling to reconcile his morals with what he was hearing. _I don’t know._


	8. A Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback: At the Cullen/Lavellan estate, during a peaceful moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff and smut :P

Several months after the disbandment of the Inquisition at the Cullen/Lavellan estate:

The sun was high on a sunny afternoon in the hills of South Reach. Cullen lay in a field of grass, cloud gazing, with one hand resting behind his head. Lavellan lay next to him, her head resting against his chest. Rocky, their mabari, played in the tall grass not far from them, chasing birds. Lavellan watched white fluffy clouds pass slowly overhead, feeling the rise and fall of Cullen’s chest with his every breath as he twirled her long dark hair around his fingers. She played with the wedding ring she wore on a chain around her neck, no longer having a left hand to wear it.

They had spent much of the morning collecting eggs from some of their chickens and feeding their collection of animals: horses, chickens, and ravens. They then spent time mucking out their horse’s stalls, while the horses were allowed to roam their land, grazing. Taking care of their estate had proven to be more work than they anticipated and while it was quite different than fighting demons or commanding armies, the work had been quite rewarding. They have been able to spend the last couple of months in peace, in each other’s company, working their land, making a normal life for themselves.

Leliana had been sending them weekly updates on their search for Solas. They haven’t garnered much information other than that more and more elven servants were mysteriously disappearing from the noble houses across Thedas. They have had little updates on their friends. It seemed they returned to where they came from, from before there was a hole in the sky, with a new perspective. 

“Elle,” Cullen called to her sweetly, “this is absolutely perfect.”

Lavellan smiled, “It is. It’s hard to believe what we were doing just a couple of months ago. To go from saving the world from itself to sitting in a field, watching clouds float by. Living the dream.” 

“Living the dream.” Cullen laughed, “Well, we had to go through a couple of nightmares first.”

“Well I actually had to fight a nightmare, if you recall, you were conveniently absent from that one.”

Cullen twisted her hair a little more tightly, and pulled it slightly.

“Ow!” Lavellan laughed.

After a moment, Cullen said thoughtfully, “What do you think about starting a family?”

Lavellan shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“You…don’t know?” Cullen said incredulously.

Lavellan sighed, “I mean I don’t know. Well…what I mean is that I would LOVE to have children, with you. Can you imagine?” Lavellan laughed, “Little strapping boys if they take after you, or little fiery girls if they take after me.”

“Or strapping girls and fiery boys,” Cullen laughed.

Lavellan sat up and looked at Cullen, her tone turning serious, “But…you aren’t concerned about whether if they turn out to be a mage?”

Cullen raised his hand to her cheek and stroked it, “Of course not. Because we’ll raise them.”

Lavellan sighed, “Cullen, would you send our child to a circle?”

“Elle…”

Lavellan interrupted, “Nothing has really changed since the Mage/Templar war. The Divine reinstated the circles.”

“The mages have a little more freedom within the circles…”

“Not much from what I’ve heard. I mean, things are a little better, but it’s not a life I would want for our child. I didn’t grow up in a circle…and I’m fortunate that the council or chantry haven’t dictated that I go to one. I’m technically an apostate, Cullen. I have no clan, I’m not a part of a circle, and I have no inquisition to hide behind. Yet, they have let me go without any oversight. Doesn’t that worry you a bit, that someday, they’ll change their mind?”

Cullen sat up and faced Lavellan. He looked her in her eyes and said sternly, “I will not allow them to take you, nor our future children.” Lavellan looked at him doubtfully, which hurt Cullen. He took her head into his hands and reassured her, “I have my faith in the Maker and in Andraste but not in the Chantry, not in Divine Victoria. After all I’ve been through: Ferelden, Kirkwall, and the Inquisition, I am a firm believer that the circles aren’t effective as they were or are now. I left the Templar Order for Andraste’s sake, Elle. How could you think that I would let anyone take you or our child away. I married _you_ , I love _you_. You are my light, my life, my purpose. Don’t you ever doubt that. Don’t you _doubt me_.”

Tears welled up in Lavellan’s eyes, “I’m so sorry Cullen. It’s just that you are an honorable man and a faithful man. You have a strong moral compass and I worry how that might conflict with the Chantry’s view on mages.”

“Elle, then why did you marry me if you doubt that I would put you above my faith?” Cullen asked simply.

Lavellan embraced Cullen, hugging him tightly, now crying, “Because…” she sniffed, “You are my light, my world, my inspiration. I love _you_. Ar lath ma, ma vhenan, bellanaris.”

“My heart,” Cullen whispered in her ear, “I’ll never let you go, not without a fight.”

Lavellan pulled back from her embrace and pressed her lips against Cullen’s. He parted his lips, allowing her to slip her tongue in to taste him. He pulled her head into him with one hand, and with his other, guided her to sit on top of him. She obliged, and straddled him. He moved his hand from her back and slid it down and around, sliding it along her thigh, going under her dress. He felt her heat as he pushed his fingers past her lips and slipped them inside of her. She moaned into his mouth, her hot breath against his face excited him. He moved his fingers inside of her, pulling them out to stroke her clit. She grinded against him, arching her back as he rubbed her.

She kissed him along his face, moving towards his ear. She sucked at his earlobe before biting it. She then whispered, “I want you inside me.”

Cullen pulled his fingers from her, brought them to his lips, and then sucked her juices from his fingertips. She started to lift her dress up, to pull it over her head. Cullen helped her eagerly, pulling it up and over and guiding it over her stump. As his fingers brushed past her stump, Lavellan pulled it back quickly from his touch.

“Elle,” Cullen said softly. He grabbed her left arm gently and squeezed her, “You don’t need to shy from me.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?” She said lowly. “It bothers me.”

Cullen bent over and kissed her left arm, his kisses trailed down to her stump where he kissed it gently. He then pulled her to him, as he planted kisses up her arm and then across her clavicle. He pressed her bare breasts against him, she moaned as he caressed her body with his lips. Her hand ran up his back, stopping to feel the edges of his muscles as it traveled, finally stopping at his hair. She ran her fingers through his tight curls and pulled at them as she grinded against him, feeling his bulge against her clit.

Cullen groaned into her, feeling her sex against him. He quickly sprung himself from his breeches. She immediately grabbed his cock, lifted her hips, and planted him inside her. Her warm, wet walls squeezed against him. He pulled her off of him and growled, “No.” He pushed her gently against the grass, “Not yet.” He leaned his body over hers, running his hands from her waist, to her breasts. She heaved against his touch. He whispered in her ear, “I will have you beg me to be inside you.” With one hand he cupped her breast, his other traveled back down to her cunt. Two fingers pushed their way inside her, the pad of his palm pressed firmly against her clit. Her body bucked against him as she moaned, calling his name. He felt his cock throb for her, ache for her, begging him to plunge inside her. But he wanted to have his fun with her first.

Lavellan’s one hand grasped his forearm that flexed as he fingered her. She tried to pull his hand from her, but he was much stronger. He chuckled at her failed attempt to be free from him.

“Ma Vhenan…please…” She breathed, moaning from the pleasure he was giving her. He could feel her arousal dripping, soaking his fingers, her body begging for him. He licked his lips as he lowered his head to her sex. He pulled his fingers from her and placed both her legs over his shoulders as he pressed his tongue past her lips and inserted it inside her, tasting her arousal. She groaned. He moved his tongue to her clit and began caressing it, sucking it. She grabbed his head with her hand and pulled his hair. He could feel her body go rigid, her abdomen flex, her hot heat rising as she bucked her hips against his face. He grabbed her hips firmly and held her in place, commanding her to be still. His fingers dug into her hips.

“Cullen!” She screamed. “Fuck! It’s too much…” she panted.

He pulled his face from her to look at her as she writhed. Her eyes were dark, her pouty lips were parted as she breathed heavily. He could smell the heady scent of her sex, luring him in.

“Please, my lion, mount me already…” she begged him. He grabbed her hips suddenly, flipped her around so that she was facedown in the grass. He lifted her ass up to him and shoved his cock in her. He pressed his hand against her back, making sure she kept her shoulders down and her hips arched into him. He thrusted violently into her. Her breasts bouncing against his force. The sound of skin slapping skin echoed through the field. Her fingers grasped the grass around her as she screamed.

Cullen reveled in the fact that she was his to take. How she was only wet for him, screamed his name, begged him to take her. It was electrifying.

Suddenly, he was paralyzed. His every nerve tingled with pleasure. She pulled from him, having struck him with some of her electricity. Electric bolts danced between her fingertips as she smiled seductively at him.

“No fair…” he managed to get out. The paralysis was starting to wear off, but not before she grabbed his cock and wrapped her lips around him. She sucked him, flattened her tongue against him as she moved her head, pulling him in and out. She could taste herself on him, mixed with his own arousal that leaked from his tip. She sucked it from him, moving her tongue all over. She pulled him from her mouth, then violently pushed him back, using her magic to make him bend to her will, electrifying him, making his muscles spasm at her touch. He was unable to fight against her. She bent over him, leaned her head in close to his, “I will have you beg to be inside me, Commander.” Her hot breath tickled him as it worked against his already tingling nerves from her electricity. His moan was his only response as her hand tugged at him, jerking him, sending bits of electricity through him. She felt his body go rigid as he growled in pleasure. She felt her own arousal drip, the ache between her legs was getting harder to ignore.

“Elle…”He breathed. His hands grasped her buttocks and squeezed them, trying to pull her on top of him. “Please,” he whispered.

She bent over his face and kissed him hard, then bit his lower lip as she kept stroking him with her hand.

“Maker! It’s too much! Please!” He finally begged her.

She violently sat on top of him, thrusting his cock into her cunt. She grinded against him, the both of them moaning each other’s names. He held onto her hips as he used his strength to lift her up and down on top of him. She waved her hand across his body, releasing tiny bolts of electricity, stimulating his every nerve, sending pleasure throughout. It was too much for him. He groaned as he released into her. He could feel her release as well. Their bodies bucked and writhed with the waves of orgasms that took them. She slumped against him, feeling his chest rise and fall with his panting. His arms embraced her, hugging her tightly. Their bodies were sticky with the sweat from their exertion.

The lay there, silently. Reveling in the smell of their sex, the heat of each other’s bodies, their breaths in unison. Cullen’s hand lay upon her head and stroked her hair, his other hand drew circles on her shoulder.

“You have to be pregnant after that,” Cullen joked.

Lavellan chuckled, “Most certainly.”

Cullen sighed, “Seriously Elle, I would never let anything happen to you or our children. Mage or no mage, I’ll love them as I love you. And I’ll protect them.”

Lavellan squeezed him, “It’s probably something we won’t have to worry about. I’m starting to wonder if we can even have children. It’s not for lack of trying,” she laughed.

Cullen thought a moment then replied, “Hmm…you may be right,” he said with a hint of sadness, “Years of me taking Lyrium could have affected my…virility.”

“And who knows what lasting effects the anchor could have on me.” She interjected.

Cullen kissed the top of her head, “Whatever the future has in store for us, I’ll love you the same.”


	9. Snaking Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We return to Cullen and Thom. They are joined by Sera and make their trek towards the Frostbacks. Tensions rise as they struggle with what they know about Lavellan.

Cullen tightened the leather straps on the saddle on his horse, preparing for the long ride ahead of him. He checked that the straps were secure, that the pockets were closed, making sure none of his supplies would spill out while riding. He patted the black neck of his horse, acknowledging their soon to be partnership. His nerves were starting to get the better of him. He was anxious to find Elle, knots in his stomach were turning at the thought of seeing her again. He longed for it, dreamed of it, but the news about the blood magic…it did not sit well with him. He pushed those thoughts from his mind, telling himself that he would have to deal with them later. It didn’t change the fact that he wanted to rescue his wife, in fact, it urged him more than he thought possible.

“Cully-wully!” Sera’s snicker called from behind him. He looked over his shoulder to see the blonde elf winking at him and sticking her tongue out.

“Sera,” he smiled. He turned from what he was doing and walked over to her. She hugged him briefly and then slapped his shoulder.

“My, Commander, I think you’ve grown too comfortable being domesticated. Life of farming has made you fat!” She teased him.

Cullen placed his hands on his abdomen, suddenly self-conscious. He didn’t think he felt any different. He raised a concerning eyebrow at her.

She laughed, “Oh you jackboot, you’re fine. Sheesh you’re so vain. Although it’s nice to see your usually perfectly coifed hair all tussled. You’re starting to look more like a real person.”

“Quite,” he replied, “nothing like a little terror and horror to make you forget to comb your hair.”

“Oh you, you don’t need to be a right ass ‘bout it.”

“Fuzzyhead!” Thom called from behind them, “How I’ve missed you girl.”

Sera ran up to him and hugged him, “My broody beardy! You still look like you’re brooding!”

Thom chuckled, “and you still look like you’re up to no good. How’s Dagna?”

“As clever as ever.” Sera winked at him. She turned to Cullen, “You better feel lucky that I’ve left my widdle to help you find yours.”

“Thanks?” Was all the reply Cullen could muster.

Thom looked at Cullen, “Are you all packed and ready to head out?”

Sera saluted Thom, he jokingly pushed her, rolling his eyes. Cullen nodded as he patted his horse on its neck, “I’m ready. The sooner we can be off, the sooner my mind will be at ease.”

“Right then, let me gather the other men. I’ve a couple of former Templars that will travel with us. I’ll grab them and we’ll be off.” Thom walked away.

Cullen could suddenly feel a slight vibration from around his neck. He removed the sending crystal and saw it was glowing. It illuminated brightly at his touch.

“Cullen?” Dorian’s voice called to him.

Sera jumped closer to Cullen, excited to hear Dorian’s voice, “Sparkles! Wot have you been up to?”

“Sera, my favorite rag-a-muffin. Oh you know, fighting back invading Qunari, fighting against magister blood-mages, just having a _ball_. Cullen, I take it you’ve made it to the safe house then?”

Cullen replied, “Yes, Blackwa- Thom Rainier is the guardian of the safe house. He, Sera, and a couple of former Templars will be riding with me shortly, to find Elle.”

“That’s good news then. The band is getting back together!” Dorian laughed.

Sera’s face crinkled, “You know, now that you’re a magister, you don’t have the magister laugh. You still sound like you, which is good, yeah?”

“Quite. No cackling magister laughing from me, Sera. You have my word. Cullen, I wanted to tell you that I’ve left Tevinter. Maevaris is taking over our fight for reform. I simply cannot stand by while my best friend is lost, roaming the wilds over there.”

“Dorian…” Cullen sighed, a bit relieved.

“No! I will not have you get all touchy feely. Just keep me close so I can close in on your location. Where are you headed?”

“The Frostbacks. The ruins of Haven. She will be headed there, so we hope to intercept her.” Cullen stated.

“Right, back to that terrible place,” Dorian sighed, “I didn’t bring any warm clothes with me.”

“I’ll keep you close Dorian. I’ll update you to any progress.” Cullen reassured him.

“Let’s go get our Ellie. I’ll speak to you soon.”

“Farewell Dorian.” Cullen watched the crystal’s light fade. He tucked it back under his shirt.

Thom came back with three other men. He looked at Sera and Cullen, “Time to mount up.” 

* * *

After days on the road, Cullen, Thom, and Sera finally made it to the foothills of the Frostbacks, Cullen was at their fore-font, leading the way towards their destination. Cullen had rode in silence much of the journey, only Sera and Thom filled the silence with their banter. The other men kept to themselves mostly, sharing stories about their former Templar lives occasionally. Their stores would rile Sera, getting her on her soap box about how dangerous mages were. How she talked about most mages made him cringe out of concern for his wife, especially since there was the distinct possibility she was more prone to demon possession, now more than ever. That concerned Cullen most of all. Now that Elle had crossed the line into using blood magic, that made her more prone to becoming an abomination. If that were to happen, he would lose his entire family, in one fell swoop, in the worst possible way. He shuddered at the thought, and quickened his horse to a trot.

“Wot’s this?” Sera called after him, “I thought we were going to pull camp soon, not start riding faster.”

Cullen was silent, he quickened his horse to a gallop, feeling ever closer to his goal.

Thom called after him, “Cullen! We can’t keep the horses at it all night. We need to find a place to set up camp for the night.”

_I can’t…I won’t let her endanger herself. I’m so close…I have to keep going_.

“Cullen!” Sera screamed at him.

Thom kicked his horse, springing it to a full lope, catching up to Cullen. Riding next to him, Thom spoke to Cullen sternly, “Cullen, we are close, but we’ve been riding all day. We must pull up camp, especially considering the higher we climb, the colder it will get, and it will be harder to move in the dark. We need to rest so we can resume our efforts in earnest at first light.”

Cullen would not hear it. He glared at Thom, “I’m not losing her Thom. We are so close. I’ll not have her risk herself and my child because she feels _desperate_.” Cullen saw that Thom understood his meaning.

“We won’t let that happen to her. But we can’t risk how far we’ve come because we can’t control our emotions. Pull yourself together.” Thom demanded.

Cullen knew he was right. It would be more of a detriment to push themselves up the Frostbacks at night. He slowed his horse down. The rest of the party caught up to them. Cullen clenched the reins in his hands, his knuckles turning white.

“Wot the hell was that all about?” Sera asked snidely.

Thom looked at her, “We are just eager to find Ellana. We’ll set up camp for now, and push up the mountain tomorrow.”

Thom and the others dismounted and unpacked their gear to set up camp. Cullen dismounted and calmly stroked his hand against the neck of his horse, in an effort to calm himself. His mind raced. He wondered what Elle had been through, how she was feeling, if their baby was okay. He still couldn’t believe that she had resorted to blood magic.

_That isn’t her…she wouldn’t…endanger herself or our child._

“Cullen, come over and have a seat by the fire,” Thom beckoned him. After a moment, he obliged. He took a seat and calmly stared at the flames.

Sera was first to break the silence, “SO, wot is the plan once we find her?”

Cullen jumped in, “I bring her home.”

“Cullen,” Thom started.

Sera interrupted with abrupt laughter, “Have you cracked yer skull? You can’t take her back to your home. The big hats will just return to piss all over you again. You’re freakin’ nuts.”

“I don’t care. That is the only goal that matters to me right now.” Cullen said darkly.

Sera scoffed, “Well that might be, but you’re stupid to think that won’t end badly. She’s a blood mage now. Whatever was before, the game has changed. She’s changed.”

“She’s not a blood mage.” Cullen refuted vehemently.

“Sera,” Thom tried to intervene, but Sera was quick on her feet, standing inches from Cullen’s face.

“She _is!_ She was always dangerous, with how much power the world gave a mage of all things. I trusted her implicitly, even tried to allow her to change my mind about mages, but now she’s crossed that line like all of them do, yeah, I’m sure having whatever dumb excuse all blood mages have to justify their need to resort to blood magic. She is no better than any of them now…and more dangerous, yeah?”

“Sera!” Thom tried again.

“I’m not finished!” She spat, “What if she really was working with Solas all along? What if she never was who we thought she was?”

“How dare _you_ , you insolent…” Cullen’s face twisted in rage. Thom placed his hand on his shoulder, in an effort to ease him. Cullen ignored him. “After all she has done, after all she did to help you and _your friends_ , the time you spent together on the road…how can you betray her now?”

“How could she betray us is the better question.” Sera sneered.

Cullen stood up and pushed her down in his anger. His voice boomed, “I know my wife!” He pointed his finger at her viciously, “YOU don’t get to stand here and judge _her_. YOU didn’t have the pressure of the world on your shoulders and had to face it under insurmountable scrutiny…to only save it, then have it roll over you and crush you anyway.”

Sera spat at him, “You know your wifey? You know she fooled around with Solas before jumping in to your arms?”

Cullen cringed at the mention of their prior affair.

Sera continued, “How do you know it wasn’t all a game? To feign leaving each other and jumping into a shem’s arms, to keep up appearances. How well do we know anybody…take Thom for example. He pulled one over all of us. It’s easy, yeah? We believe whatever we want to.”

Her words were poison in Cullen’s ears. They wiggled themselves into the folds of his mind, turning his thoughts against him, placing doubt, it spreading with every pulse of his heartbeat. He felt his blood boil from anger, from her doubt, from her having him doubt.

Sera continued, “Are you so sure she isn’t knocking knickers with him now? That she hasn’t fled into his arms? That she’s been his the whole time?”

Thom jumped into Sera’s face, “Sera! What is your problem? Why are you acting like this!?” 

“This is all crazy, innit? All we have been working towards this last year…just for them to take her from us?” Tears began to well up in her eyes. Cullen could now see that her faith had been shaken. “They turn her into the monster they wanted her to be. And she fell right into their trap…or worse, we fell into hers. Either the world has fucked her royally or she is fucking us…either way, I can’t make sense of any of it.” She looked back at Cullen, “I mean…you said that she left you right? Wouldn’t let you fight for her…maybe that’s cuz she didn’t want you to follow her, wherever she was really going?”

Cullen’s heart stopped. The air escaped him. Her words snaked into his head, coiling around his mind, squeezing all reason from him. Cullen swiftly walked past her, away from the light of the fire, into the dead of night.

“Fuck. You.” Was all he could say.

* * *

 

Cullen stood alone in the dark, in the cold. His breath billowed from him as he shivered.

_What if she is right? What if...her and him..._

"No!" He cried out, placing his head in his hands. He clawed at his head, pulling his hair.

"Cullen?' Thom's voice called from behind him. He approached, torch in hand, the warm light enveloping him. "Cullen..."

"I can't continue like this..." Cullen said defeated, "I can't keep going if this ends like Sera said. I won't survive it."

Thom approached Cullen, sighing a heavy sigh. The silence stretched between them. After a moment, Thom spoke. "Look, I'm not good at these things. The only thing I'm good at these days, ironically, is being honest. I'll be honest with you Cullen. Has the thought crossed my mind that she's been pulling the long con? Yes. Any rationally thinking person would consider the stories they hear, especially with how many there are, might have some kernels of truth to them. But a rational thinking person must also consider the possibility that they are all fabrications...all circumstantial. The fact is Cullen, is that we don't know the truth. Not the whole truth. We are left with only our experiences that have shaped our perceptions. We are left with our own individual truths. Now tell me Cullen, what is yours?"

Cullen's eyes were downcast. He struggled with his thoughts. After a moment, he answered, "That I love her, more than anything that I have ever known."

"Right. Does that change, no matter the story being told?"

Cullen thought a moment..."No...no it doesn't."

"There you have it." Thom sighed, "Don't let what Sera said bother you. She is struggling with reconciling her own feelings on the situation. She is scared."

"I know..." Cullen said, "I could see it in her eyes. But what she said...about the possibility of her and Solas..."

Thom placed a hand on Cullen's shoulder, "It doesn't matter. Thinking about it, doubting her...will only tear you apart. Trust yourself, trust the life you two have built around each other. We will save her Cullen. We will rescue her from this fresh hell, and in so doing, save ourselves." Thom inhaled deeply, as he exhaled, his breath billowed in the cold, "Let's get back to camp and get what rest we can. We make the climb tomorrow. Hopefully, she'll be there and this will all be over soon."

Cullen laughed, "Soon? Even if she is there, we have a long road ahead of us." Cullen thought a moment then said, "You know, when I said I wanted to take her home...I wasn't referring to our physical home." Cullen placed a hand over his chest, he looked at Thom, "I was referring to bringing her back to where she felt like her again. I'm sure...whatever she has been through...to resort to blood magic...she feels far removed from anything familiar. I want to bring her back."

Thom nodded, "We'll bring her back."


	10. Haven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We return to present time:Loranil, Cole, and Lavellan finally reach the smuggler's cave but there are many complications.

Present time:

Lavellan draped her arm over Cole’s shoulder, as he helped her climb the Pilgrim’s Path. Fresh snow had been falling over the last hour and night was threatening to descend upon them. Loranil followed behind, scanning their surroundings. Their breaths from their exertion were visible in the crisp, frigid air. They had to push back brush that had overgrown over the path, snapping back branches, ducking low, and stepping over roots and loose rock.

Lavellan still had cramping in her abdomen. She wished she had her other arm, so that she could cradle her belly for security. Her stump provided her no comfort. She could still feel blood leave her from between her legs, its warmth trickling down her leg every now and then. It was slow…which was a small comfort. She thought that if she were miscarrying this late in her pregnancy, there would be a lot more blood. She knew there was a distinct possibility that her body would force her to deliver her child. At about six months along, her child would not survive it. She hoped, beyond hope, that her body was simply struggling with exertion and that she wasn’t actually about to lose her unborn child. That after some rest, the cramping and spotting would stop, and she would feel her child move again.

The air around them was getting colder, even with all the furs they wore, Lavellan could feel her legs start to feel numb. The wind picked up around them, blowing snow into their faces. The snow nipped and bit at their skin.

“I think a storm is upon us,” Loranil had to shout above the wind that started to howl. “How much further?”

Lavellan struggled to answer, gritting her teeth against the bite of the cold, the numbness in her legs, and the cramping in her belly. Cole, reading her mind, answered for her instead.

“Knowing, needing, near…we are close to the cave. It shouldn’t be much longer. Look for the path that forks near a large dead pine tree. It has a black scar.”

“Black scar? You mean, burnt from a lightning strike or something?”

Cole looked back, “Yes.”

“This path looks undisturbed, we are the first ones here in some time,” Loranil remarked. No one answered him. They continued their slow climb. Lavellan was stumbling more, over rocks, over roots, over her own numb feet. Cole struggled to keep her on her feet. Loranil saw the struggle and went to them, he draped Lavellan’s stump over his shoulder and helped Cole carry her.

Ahead of them, there was a large, dead pine tree. It was split in two at its peak, blackness stretching down the trunk. The path, split at the base of the tree, forking left and right.

“Left.” Cole supplied.

Loranil stopped them. As he looked at the path in front of him, he saw evidence of recent traffic coming down the right side of the fork and going up the left side. He saw indentations in the snow and branches were broken and trampled.

“Someone’s been through here,” he shouted above the wind.

“C-c-cullen,” Lavellan stammered between her clenched teeth.

Cole looked down the left path, “There is something…familiar. I hear a song that sounds like Solas…old, longing, sad…but it’s not Solas.”

“What does that mean?” Loranil asked, still shouting.

“There are also Templars…I can hear their heavy song as well.” Cole said ominously.

“What do we do?” Loranil asked, panic rising in his voice.

Lavellan’s right hand clutched Cole’s shoulder, she cried out in pain and dropped herself, her body weight being fully supported by Cole and Loranil.

Cole looked at Loranil, “We keep going. She won’t survive out here.” 

“If you sense Templars, we won’t survive there either.” Loranil stated matter-of-factly.

“W-we have no choice,” Lavellan’s voice barely carried above the wind.

Loranil groaned in aggravation but renewed his effort to help carry her up the path, the three of them turned left at the fork. As they continued up the path, it became more apparent that there was recent traffic. They could even see a faint glow in the distance, as darkness fell around them. Loranil thought he heard clashing or banging in the distance, being carried by the wind.

“Do you hear that?” He asked them.

Cole replied, “There is much pain ahead…fighting…death.”

Loranil stopped, “We can’t keep going! Who knows what’s ahead. We need to seek shelter, or make shelter, off the path.”

“NO!” Lavellan let go of the two men, and stumbled away from them.

_I’m so close…he must be there…HE MUST._

_[Dark whispers] Power…in the blood…_

Fear and desperation took her over. She stumbled as fast as she could up the trail, holding her belly with her right hand. The cramping worsened, causing her to struggle to take a breath.

_[Dark whispers] Just a little…to give you strength…_

She cried and clenched her teeth as she walked. Cole and Loranil followed.

_[Dark whispers] Your child…won’t survive…_

Cole tried to help her, but she swatted him away. She didn’t want them to bother. They were almost there.

_[Dark whispers] Take it…to save her…to save yourself…_

The glow became brighter as they travelled the path, a glow from torches or a campfire. The sound of metal clashing became clearer.

 _Cullen!_ Lavellan grew more confident of his presence. Who else would Templars be fighting if they were in fact there?

They got closer and could hear shouting, grunting, cries. There was definitely a fight. As the three of them broke from the forest path and into a small clearing, they saw the evidence of what they were hearing. Templar bodies lay splayed out among the ground in the front of them. Lavellan saw old friends, their bodies heaving, out of breath, their clothes and weapons bloodied. They looked at their battle field, scanning the bodies for signs of life.

_Thom…Sera…and Morrigan? What is she…where is he?_

Her friends had not heard her approach. The wind around them howled. Lavellan scanned the scene until her eyes lay upon _him_. His tussled, golden curls lay against his head, matted from sweat and blood. His face was crinkled with focus and red from exertion. His chest heaved with every breath he took. She watched as he drove his sword into the dying Templar on the ground. She took the moment to revel in his power and in her relief.

“Maker!” Thom Rainier’s voice shouted above the wind. “Cullen, she’s here!”

She watched as Cullen’s eyes looked up from his kill and found hers. His eyes went wide as he flew to her. Her vision blurred as tears began to well up in her eyes.

“Cullen!” She managed to shout for him as her body began to fail her. Her eyesight narrowed and she felt herself become faint. As she fell, she felt her body caught and cradled in familiar arms. His heady musk filled her nostrils, putting her to ease. Her right arm grabbed him, her hand squeezed at his cloak. He held her tightly, his hand rested against her head, as he moved her hair away from her face. He lifted her chin so he could look at her.

“Elle…” Cullen said gently.

She took her hand and brought it to his cheek. She stroked his face, lovingly. Then her hand fell from him. Darkness took her.

 _[Dark whispers] …there is power…to be yours if you’ll just take it…_

* * *

Lavellan stirred, her eyes were closed, her body ached. She realized she was lying down, on hard but dry ground. She could hear several voices arguing. She opened her eyes to an orange glow and several people standing above her. She looked around and realized they were in the smuggler’s cave. She looked past the people and watched snow fall outside, the flakes reflecting back the light from their torches.

“We need to move,” Thom spoke urgently, “we’ve already fought three waves of them.”

“Yeah, those poor sods died in the last wave, we’re next!” Sera agreed.

“We _can’t_ ,” Cullen pleaded, “she can’t even walk. You heard the lad, her body is failing.”

“Well we can’t stay here,” It was Morrigan’s voice, “There will be more.”

“She’s right, I hate to agree with her coz who knows why she is really here,” Sera said snidely.

Morrigan hissed, “I already told _you_ , I’m here because the Well of Sorrows told me to be here. I did not know why at the time, but now that you all are here, I’m beginning to understand.”

_The Well…Mythal…that familiar song Cole mentioned, old…sad…_

“Her song is fading,” Cole said cryptically.

“Who’s song? Maker, what are you talking about?” Cullen said exasperated

Cole approached Lavellan. Cullen followed him with his gaze. Once he realized she was awake, he rushed to her side.

Cole answered, “Your child’s.”

Cullen grabbed Lavellan’s hand in his and placed his other on top of her pregnant belly. His face expressed concern as he gazed upon her.

“What are you talking about?” He snapped at Cole.

Lavellan felt the cramping return; she could feel the muscles in her lower abdomen tighten. She groaned.

“Elle, what’s happening?” Cullen asked her desperately.

She squeezed his hand in hers and writhed on the ground.

“She is having contractions.” Morrigan answered. She knelt beside Lavellan and waved her hand over her. “She doesn’t look like she is far enough along…if she has this baby now, it will die.”

“What do we do?” Cullen demanded.

“WE need to get out of here!” Sera yelled.

Cullen faced her and shouted, “To WHERE? We could be surrounded for all we know.”

Morrigan spoke low to Cullen, “We need to leave, they are correct. I can try and ease Lavellan’s pain, to get her moving, but I cannot stop her body from having this baby.”

Cullen turned to Levallan, he stroked her hair as he stared into her eyes. Pain was etched into her features. 

“Cullen,” she breathed, “Ir abelas…for leaving you.”

He shook his head, “Shhh, we’re together now.” 

“They are right.” Lavellan grimaced in pain, “we must leave.”

“Let me help you first,” Morrigan said as she waved her hands over Lavellan’s body. Lavellan felt warmth spread through her veins, felt herself get lightheaded. She felt the cramping cease…or she became numb. She couldn’t tell which it was, but there was no more pain. “That should hold you a little while.” Morrigan said reassuringly, a small smile on her face.

Cullen helped Lavellan to her feet, supporting most of her weight. He looked behind him at Thom, “Thom, do we have any of our mounts left?”

Thom swiftly exited the cave, into the darkness. Lavellan looked around her, all eyes were on her, all with expressions of concern. Lavellan’s gaze met with Sera’s who instantly looked away.

_[Dark whispers] …fear…_

Lavellan’s eyes met Loranil’s.

_[Dark whispers]…dread…_

She then looked up at Cullen. His eyes gazed down at her warmly. He kissed the top of her head.

_[Dark whispers]…panic…_

Thom returned, “We only have two left, tangled in some trees just yonder. The others must have spooked.”

Cullen lifted Lavellan up into his arms and carried her swiftly out of the cave, the others followed him. “Let’s get out of here while we can.”

Thom got himself ahead of Cullen and guided them out of the clearing they were in, torch in hand. As Cullen carried her, Lavellan felt comforted by his embrace. She could feel his hot breath upon her face as he breathed rhythmically. The gait of his step carried her carefully over the uneven ground. His strong arms held her firmly, yet gently. She didn’t realize exactly how much she missed him until that moment he carried her. She could give into her pain…to let go, as long as he held her. She was so tired.

 _To be at peace_.

_[Dark whispers]…no peace…_

The horses were huddled under a cluster of trees, their reins caught on their branches. Thom calmed the horses, untangled one from the branches and guided it over to Cullen and Lavellan. Cullen lifted her onto the horse, placing its reins into her hand. He took off his cloak and wrapped it over her. She looked down at him, worried.

“Cullen, it’s too cold for you…” She started.

“I’ll be fine,” he smiled up at her. He looked at Thom, “Grab the other horse and scout ahead. Find us a clear path if you can.”

“Aye,” Thom replied. He mounted the other horse after untangling it, then rode off, the light of his torch fading.

The others approached Lavellan and Cullen, bringing the light of torches with them. Cullen looked down at his arm, the one that cradled Lavellan’s legs. There was a streak of blood, glistening in the torchlight. His eyes darted up and looked at Morrigan, who had noticed it too.

She shook her head, “She’s running out of time.”

“Cullen,” Lavellan spoke, they all faced her, “how did the Templars get ahead of me?”

“They were expecting you to be here.” He said simply. He could see her confused expression, “We’ll talk about it after we get out of our current situation.”

“Why are the others…”She started.

“Thom and Sera joined me, helped me get to you. Morrigan was here before us.”

Morrigan jumped in, “The Well told me to come here. I’m guessing now for you. I think I know a way to stop Solas.”

 _To stop him?_ Lavellan was surprised. It hadn’t occurred to her to seek Morrigan out, to seek out the power of the well.

Morrigan continued, “But we can’t do that unless we escape these Templars. I doubt we have killed them all.”

Cullen looked around, his eyes seeking Thom, “I doubt that too.”

“Frig!” Sera shouted, “We are right fucked. We don’t have enough men to hold out.”

“At least we are smaller in number now, it should be easier to hide.” Morrigan stated.

Sera’s face twisted in disgust, “Hey, those men that died fighting for us were good men. Don’t need to be a right prick about it!”

“I’m just stating the obvious here.” Morrigan argued.

“Enough!” Cullen said sternly. “We can only hope if there are more Templars, they won’t make their approach in the dark and in this storm. Maybe then we have a chance.”

They heard the sound of trotting approaching. Cullen unsheathed his sword in preparation. They were relieved when Thom returned, the breath of his horse billowing in the torch light, its hooves stamping in the snow.

“We are clear to head towards Haven. I think that’s our best bet to seek shelter. Only about a half mile up the mountain.” Thom gestured behind him. “Sera, I could use your help to scout ahead as we travel the path.”

Sera nodded and climbed up on the horse, seating herself behind Thom. Cullen motioned for the others to follow him. Thom and Sera trotted ahead of them as they walked, as quickly as they could, up the mountain path, Cullen leading the horse carrying Lavellan.

They walked swiftly in the snow storm, the light of Thom’s torch guiding their path. They eventually cleared the overgrown path as they approached Haven’s ruins. Even in the dark, they could see the silhouette of Haven’s Temple, the bulk of it having withstood the avalanche from several years ago. Thom was ahead of them, his horse stopped in its tracks. Lavellan could see several more torches just beyond him.

The pain returned to Lavellan. Her abdomen tightened, contracting. She cried out suddenly, folding over in pain. As the contractions came on stronger, she couldn’t hold herself up on the horse. She slid over, Cullen catching her.

“What’s going on up there,” Loranil’s voice trembled. He referred to the now several torches approaching Thom and Sera. As the rest of them neared, Thom looked back at them, shaking his head.

Cullen, carrying Lavellan, could finally see who approached them. A torch lighting her face. Her dark eyes stared intensely at Cullen, standing tall, and threatening.

“Cullen,” Her Nevarran accent was thick, “Surrender Lavellan over to us.”

“Cassandra…” Cullen’s mouth went dry, aghast that Leliana’s suspicions appeared to be true.

Cassandra Pentaghast stood at the head of at least ten seekers. Their swords were brandished, in defensive positions.

“Seeker,” Thom called, “we have no quarrel with an old friend.”

Cassandra stood tall, “Friend or no, the former Inquisitor is wanted for judgment by the writ of Divine Victoria.”

“Cassandra, don’t do this!” Cullen said tersely.

“You are harboring a fugitive and a _blood mage_.” Cassandra said firmly. Cassandra glanced at Lavellan, noticing her writhing. “What’s wrong with _her_.”

Cullen hissed, “She’s miscarrying my _child_.”

Cullen noted a hint of surprise flash across Cassandra’s face. As quick as it was there, it was gone. Her face became vacant of expression again, “I will not ask again.”

“So you’ll fight us?” Cullen asked, his face twisted in disgust.

“If you don’t surrender.” Cassandra replied coolly.

Lavellan cried out in pain, fighting her contractions as Cullen held her. Cassandra’s eyes darted between Cullen and Lavellan.

“Cassandra,” Lavellan struggled, “I’m not the enemy!”

Cassandra spoke low, “You are a _blood mage_.”

Lavellan let herself down from Cullen’s arms. She slowly walked closer to Cassandra, struggling with each step, holding her swollen belly. Cullen walked behind her, grabbing at her to stop. She ignored his attempts and swatted him from her.

“I’m not the enemy,” Lavellan found her voice through the pain, “The chantry spreads slander. I’m not working as an agent of Fen’Harel, I’m not raising an elven army. WE are trying to stop _him_.”

“Then why did you kill all those innocent people at that tavern.” Cassandra demanded.

Lavellan stopped walking. She glanced behind her, then quickly returned her gaze to Cassandra, not wanting to face her friends. “I…I used blood magic, yes…”

_[Dark whispers]…you’ll die here if you don’t act…_

Lavellan continued, “It was that or death. Ir abelas!” She screamed, “I didn’t mean to hurt those people, just the Templars that threatened me and my child! I lost control, I’m sorry!” Her voice shouted desperately.

“Says every blood mage confronted with capture,” Cassandra said coldly.

  _[Dark whispers]…your child will die here…_

 “You’ve fought at my side Cassandra, you know me!” Lavellan pleaded, “Why do you trust Vivienne more than me? After all that we…”

 Cassandra interrupted, “I don’t think I know you like I thought I did. The pieces are starting to fall into place and what the Divine says makes only sense. It was hard to swallow at first, I will admit, that you were a traitor to your purpose. But once I thought about it…your relationship with Solas, your timely breakup, his disappearance…his involvement at the Winter Palace, at the Exalted Council…saving your life by removing your anchor, and now you being a blood mage, killing only humans at the tavern, sparing all the elven workers.”

 Lavellan was shocked by Cassandra’s words. She was in disbelief that her blood magic only targeted humans when she fled the Templars.

 “You misunderstand,” Lavellan started.

 “No,” Cassandra interrupted, “I understand that the person I once trusted and regarded highly, has now betrayed everything she once pretended to stand for.”

 Lavellan’s voice was desperate, “Vivienne’s poisoned you against me. She’s allowed the petty fears and low self esteems of the nobility and the clerics to influence her.”

 Cassandra’s face betrayed her. Her emotions flashed across her face as she struggled with Lavellan’s words.

Lavellan continued, “I was romantically involved with Solas for a time, yes that is true. But it ended. His appearance during the events of the Exalted Council were circumstance. I did not call him there, I have not been fighting for him or on the side of elves. I”ve been fighting on the side of _people_ , of _Thedas_. The blood-magic…was a mistake. A mis-step that happened to save my life.”

 “Enough!” Cassandra’s voice boomed. “Surrender now!”

Lavellan stared at her former friend, ashamed, defeated, and in disbelief.

_How has it come to this?_

_[Dark whispers]…they’ll only betray you…_

Cullen stepped in front of Lavellan, withdrawing his sword, “We’ll not surrender.”

 “I can’t believe this!” Sera hissed.

 She and Thom climbed down from their horse, Sera readied her bow, Thom unsheathed his sword. Lavellan buckled over as a contraction overtook her. Cullen helped lay her down on the ground. She grabbed at him, trying to prevent him from leaving her.

 “Cullen!” She said between gritted teeth.

“They’ll not have you.” He whispered to her. He stood in front of her. Morrigan joined him at his side holding a flame in her hand. Cole stepped up, wielding his daggers. Loranil readied his bow. They formed a wall in front of Lavellan as she cried out in pain.

 Cassandra sighed, “So be it.”


	11. Power in Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation with Cassandra...it doesn't end well...

Cassandra and her retinue of Seekers stood before them, their swords brandished, glinting from the light of the torches they held in front of them. Snow fell steadily as the wind howled past them, threatening to extinguish their torches. Their collective breaths rose as vapor in the cold air. One could see the tension in their breaths- ragged, scattered, and uneven.

Cullen stood defensively, both hands on his sword. He stared defiantly at Cassandra, locking his eyes to hers. He bared his teeth, letting lose a low growl. He could hear his comrades beside him, sniffing in the biting cold, their breathing steady as they calmed their nerves and prepared for the fight ahead of them.

Morrigan spoke low to Cullen out of the corner of her mouth, “This will be hard fought, Commander. But I think we can persevere.”

Cullen wanted to believe her. At that moment he was grateful to her presence, even if they faced Seekers. He was also glad he no longer had Lyrium coursing through his veins. But he worried they would be able to quickly neutralize Morrigan. They were outnumbered and very likely out-matched, considering they had been through three waves of battles already. Cullen gripped his sword tightly, reminding himself that he still had feeling in his rapidly numbing fingers.

Morrigan immediately cast a barrier spell, the ground lit up in the darkness, illuminating the snowflakes that reflected its light. The Seekers advanced, raising their weapons high, shouting in attempts to intimidate their enemy. Cassandra and Cullen ran at each other, their faces twisted, teeth clenched, eyes wide, until their blades clashed against each other. 

Cole darted in and out of visibility, striking Seekers from behind where he could, often hitting his blades against their armor. The Seekers moved swiftly and were quick to spot Cole before he struck. Cole struggled to make a hit against them, their perception in battle was unmatched

Morrigan focused on casting barrier spells on the party and giving herself as much distance from the Seekers as possible. They were quick to seek her out in the darkness, her spells illuminating her position. She didn’t bother with too many attack spells as Seekers were known to have high magical resistance, so she focused instead on protection and healing.

Thom fought beside Cullen, fending off attacks from his flank. Sera kept her distance, distracting the Seekers with her arrows. Thom made eye contact with Sera, making sure she was following his movements. He renewed his attacks on the Seeker closest to him, banging his sword against the Seeker’s shield, attempting to knock him back with enough force, even if just for a moment. He clanged his sword hard against the shield, feeling the vibration at contact. Thom then used his leg to kick the Seeker as he recovered from the blow, making contact with his chest plate. The Seeker stumbled, the weight if his shield throwing him off balance. Thom redoubled his blade around and struck him again with the flat side, knocking the seeker off his feet. Sera was able to make her shot, her arrow piercing his underarm as he fell back. Thom stood above the Seeker and drove his sword through his neck.

Loranil was forced into close combat, his bow ineffective against the Seeker that was upon him. He quickly dodged the Seekers swings, swinging his dagger around, searching for vulnerabilities in the Seeker’s armor. Morrigan was able to blind the seeker attacking Loranil with a spell, just long enough for Loranil run his blade into the Seeker’s neck. His strike wasn’t enough to stop the Seeker, however. The Seeker, enraged, swung his sword and sliced Loranil’s forearm open. Loranil retreated, no longer able to grip his dagger, nor his bow.

Cullen fended off Cassandra’s attacks. She came at him hard and fast. The strength behind each of her blows seemed to increase exponentially. Cullen could feel the fatigue of his muscles, but he was determined to not let her take him. They were matched evenly for a time, parrying each other’s strikes, recovering and swinging again. One matched the other.

Lavellan watched, horrified at the scene before her. She could no longer bear the pain of her contractions as they were growing stronger by the minute. She felt herself slipping…in despair…in regret. She gripped her belly, her body writhed in agony.

_[Dark whispers]…you can end this…_

“Shut up!” She clawed at her head.

Morrigan was at her side, her hands working to set barriers up around their comrades, but she spoke to Lavellan, her voice calm, serene even, “We will win this. You can fight whatever is happening inside you. I know what speaks to you…”

A Seeker ran at them, Morrigan attempted to cast mind blast, but the Seeker pushed her back with it instead, reflecting her spell against her and Lavellan. They flew ten feet backwards, Lavellan rolled over the ground, her head cracked against a rock. She tried to roll onto her knees, dazed. She felt warm fluid trickle down her face. She touched her hand to her forehead and felt her blood.

Cullen saw Lavellan get launched across the ground when the Seeker attacked her. His distraction allowed Cassandra to get a successful hit against him, her sword ripping through his furs, slicing him across his chest. Cullen jumped back, tripping over the uneven ground. Cassandra lunged at him. He held up his sword to deflect her blow, but Thom intercepted her and pushed her back.

Morrigan recovered from the mind blast and fade-jumped to Loranil’s side. She quickly aided his arm in healing while she used her magic to blind the Seekers who advanced on them. While they were blinded, Sera was able to pierce through one of them, her arrow shooting straight through his neck. Morrigan took the opportunity to help guide Sera’s arrow through the helmet slit of the other.

“The Mage!” Cassandra shouted to the other Seekers, in between parrying Thom’s swings. “Get the damned mage! Maker, I’ll do it!” She swung fiercely at Thom, knocking him back. She then kicked him down onto the ground. She turned towards Morrigan, reached her hand out and made a fist. Cullen watched as Morrigan crumbled, screaming in agony. Cassandra took hold of the Lyrium in Morrigan’s blood.

Cullen redoubled his efforts, swinging on Cassandra, knocking her back momentarily, enough to free Morrigan from her hold. Morrigan fade-jumped back to Lavellan, leaving Loranil to return to the fray, renewing his attacks alongside Cole, his arm now healed. Morrigan gasped at the sight of Lavellan, blood streaming down her face, her body folded over, writhing against the ground. Morrigan could see blood in the snow underneath Lavellan. She was losing the baby.

Lavellan screamed, her voice hardly heard above the howling wind or the din of the battle. Her head was splitting, her belly felt as if it was tearing itself apart. Her mind fought against the whispers that beckoned her to give in…

Morrigan placed her hand on Lavellan’s shoulder, “Get a hold of your _self_.”

“The baby!” Lavellan cried.

“You are losing the child. It is not meant to be, I am sorry, but we need you more.” Morrigan turned to cast more barriers.

_No! NONONONO!_

_[Dark whispers]…take it…_

A seeker came at her and Morrigan again, smiting the both of them. Morrigan and Lavellan were thrown against the ground, the air escaped their lungs.

_[Dark whispers]…you can save yourself…_

The Seeker stood above Lavellan, holding his sword over her. She looked up at him, her face grimacing from a strong contraction. She didn’t have the power stop him. He raised his sword…

_[Dark whispers]…you can save your child…_

Tears streamed down Lavellan’s face.

_This is it…_

The Seeker’s sword came down…

_[Dark whispers]…just let me in…_

_Okay…_

A bright light flashed across the field of battle. The Seekers and Lavellan’s comrades were knocked to the ground from the shockwave. When the light dimmed, they were astonished to find Lavellan, floating above them, naked. Her dark hair floated around her, as if suspended in water. Red ribbons flowed around her body, flowing from her hand to her feet, originating from the dead Seeker below her. It was his blood that she was draining from him. Her eyes glowed down upon them. Her face was expressionless.

As the blood from the Seeker flowed from him to her, they watched as she repaired her own body. The gash in her forehead closed and her half ear became whole again. Once the Seeker was drained, she waved her hand and then clenched her fist. A Seeker not far from Cullen screamed, his body closing in on itself, as if being crushed by an invisible hand. Blood began to pour from his mouth, flowing into the air, towards Lavellan.

“No!, No, no, NO!” Sera fell to her knees, screaming.

The party watched in horror as Lavellan’s left arm began to form again, using the blood from the Seeker to form bone, then muscle, then skin. Lavellan admired her new limb, expressionless. Her swollen belly moved, the baby in her pushed against her abdominal walls.

“That’s not right,” Thom choked.

“Elle!” Cullen called to her. “Elle?”

She ignored him. She calmly waved her hand, grabbing another Seeker. She crushed him and began draining his blood from him, pulling it to her.

Cassandra screamed at Lavellan’s party, “See?! This is what our inquisitor is now! An abomination!” Cassandra rallied the remaining seekers and they ran towards Lavellan. With a wave of Lavellan’s hand, they were stopped in their tracks.

“Elle!” Cullen screamed for her. He ran to her. Staring up at her bared body, floating in the air, rivers of blood floating around her, Cullen tried to get through to her. “Elle! This isn’t you! I need you to come back to me!”

She slowly turned her head to face him. Her lips moved, but the voice that came from her was hardly recognizable, “They will die for their ignorance.” She turned her gaze back on the Seekers, and began to drain another one of his blood.

Cullen looked to Morrigan, his eyes pleading with her to offer him anything. She stood up and joined him at his side, staring up at the floating abomination, the child in her swollen belly moving under her skin.

“She is possessed.”

Cullen scoffed, “I _see_ that! What the hell do we do?!”

“We kill her!” Sera yelled.

“No! Morrigan, you know there is another way.” Cullen pleaded.

Morrigan nodded, “Yes, I have been through this once before…in Redcliffe. But, we don’t have enough Lyrium and only _one_ mage.” She motioned to herself.

Cullen grabbed Morrigan’s shoulders, “How do I save my family?”

Morrigan looked into his desperate eyes, “You will not like my answer.”

“ _Anything!”_

“Cullen!” Thom approached them, wide-eyed, terrified. “We have to stop her!”

“She’s lost! She’s friggin LOST!” Sera loosed an arrow before anyone could stop her, it flew at Lavellan but stopped just in front of her face, hanging in the air above Cullen. The air around Lavellan visibly pulsed, shooting the arrow back at Sera, striking her through her shoulder.

“Sera!” Thom ran to her side.

“Morrigan!” Cullen pleaded.

“The only other option,” Morrigan said, “Is blood magic.”

“No way!” Sera cried, as she pulled the arrow from her shoulder.

Lavellan began to drain two other seekers.

“How?” Cullen breathed.

“I do what she is doing. I drain a life to give myself enough power to help another cross into the fade, to confront the demon. You can see for yourself,” She nodded her head towards Lavellan, “blood magic is more powerful than Lyrium.”

“W-we…” Cullen struggled with his emotions. He berated himself internally for even considering blood magic.

“Cullen, NO!” Thom yelled sternly.

Cullen sighed, “I can’t make that call.”

Morrigan’s demeanor changed, “You don’t have to.” Her hand whipped out from her side, pulling Loranil to her.

“What the fuck!” Thom yelled, pulling his weapon on Morrigan.

She clenched her fingers around Loranil’s throat. He clawed at her hand.

Cullen screamed at Morrigan, “What are YOU DOING? Did you knot hear me? We are not doing this!”

“The Well has spoken. His life…for hers.” Morrigan’s voice was monotone. Her hand squeezed his neck. He gasped in her grip, choking on his own blood as it began spewing from his mouth and into Morrigan. Morrigan used her other hand to focus her energy on Cullen. “You are the only one suitable here to cross the fade. Find the desire demon, kill it, and your love and child will be free.”

Cullen felt himself immediately pull away from his physical self.

 “Oh Maker!” Sera cried.

 “Sweet Andraste, Morrigan!”

Cullen could hear their cries grow fainter as he faded.

 “What is happening?!”

 He watched from a distance as his friends collapsed, defeated, despairing. Cole stood behind Cullen and placed a hand on his shoulder, as Morrigan used Loranil’s life-force to send Cullen into the fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...oh maker...


	12. Desire and Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen enters the fade to save Lavellan from possession.

_[Morrigan’s Voice] Be swift, Commander, we are running out of time._

Cullen stood on uneven ground. The sky around him was multiple shades of green. Hot air billowed from the ground beneath him, wrapping around him in ribbons of yellow fog. He saw remnants of his home, strewn about the landscape. Their main room’s table hung upside-down above him, its chairs scattered down a wall beside him. He could hear cries from somewhere, faint. Ahead of him he saw what looked to be a mirror. As he approached it, he didn’t see his own reflection. Instead he saw an image of the stable on his estate. He looked behind him, nothing around him but fragments of the home he shared with Elle. Rotten fruit and vegetables were strewn about, distorted portraits hung from the floor and ceiling of a misshapen room. He looked back at the mirror doorway. He touched his fingers to it. It rippled under his touch, the picture of the stable distorted.

“WaaaaWaaah!” A baby’s cry came from behind him. He spun around and saw Elle, holding a naked newborn boy. Elle looked no worse for wear. Her features were full and bright. Her hair glistened in the light of the fade. But her eyes were dark…eerie.

“Elle?” Cullen called her name.

She looked at him with her dark eyes, “Honey, the baby wants you to hold him now. I haven’t been able to get him to sleep.” She looked lovingly down at the child, “He missed his daddy.”

Cullen took a step towards her, not trusting that it was really his wife. “Elle, that’s not possible. You’re still pregnant.” If it were the real Elle, he needed to convince her of the illusion she lived in.

Elle took a step away from him, “What are you talking about? I know things have been hard between us lately. Taking care of a newborn is not easy.”

“That thing is not real, Elle. I need you to come back with me.” He held his hand out to her.

She looked seductively at him, her lips pouting. The baby’s cries became screams, “Cullen, how can you say that about your boy? He is not a _thing!_ ”

Cullen grabbed the babe from her arms, “It isn’t REAL!” As soon as he grabbed it, the form of the child evaporated. Cullen’s hand trembled in the air, shaken by what he witnessed. The vapor of the child swirled around him in ribbons, crying, screaming…then eventually silent.

Elle laughed, “I see what frustrates you,” she removed her clothing, revealing her full breasts to him. They were fuller and bigger than he remembered. “The baby has been too much of a distraction. I can show you how much you still _mean_ to me.” Her hand reached for him, squeezing his bulge.

Cullen grew angry, that his body betrayed his mind, reacting to her touch. He could feel her breasts press up against him as she leaned into him, her mouth caressing his chin as she purred.

_This is not Elle!_

He pushed her away from him. Her face snarled at his rejection but then maniacal laughter bellowed from her. Her form changed. Cullen gasped, horrified that he now saw Neria Surana before him, the Hero of Ferelden. Her long blonde hair fell over her small but supple breasts. Her blue eyes shined as she batted her long lashes. Her full lips glistened as she ran her tongue across them.

“Is this form more pleasing?” She sang to him, stepping closer. As she did, she grabbed one of her breasts. Her other hand travelled down to cunt where she began to play with herself.

Cullen stepped back, his mouth went dry. He felt a pull at the pit of his stomach as he felt himself grow hard. He cursed his body under his breath.

“No,” He growled, “Where is Elle in this nightmare?”

“You don’t fool me, _boy_. I know exactly what you want. I have insight into your deepest desires. I know how you have longed for this form, even when fucking your wife.”

Her words were venom. He glared at her, feeling around his waist for the hilt of his sword. But there was nothing. No weapon, no way to strike her down.

“Enough! Where is she _demon!_ ” He demanded.

The demon in the Hero of Ferelden’s form just laughed. “There is nothing to feel shame about. She pretends that you are someone else too.”

“Shut. Up.” He growled.

She moved swiftly, her hands outstretched and clamped onto his neck. She began to strangle him. Her grip more powerful than her current form should have allowed. Cullen clawed at her hands, in an effort to release from her grip.

She leaned her face in close and hissed into his ear, “She…is… _mine_.” The demon pulled her arm back, Cullen still in her grip, and then slammed him into the mirror. He went through. He fell, down…down…wind was rushing past him. He saw the ground beneath rise to meet him. The air escaped his lungs.

He suddenly stopped, just inches from the ground. As he floated above it, he glanced around him. He could see a structure that looked like the stable from his estate, except one of the walls was crawling slowly, up to the sky. He outstretched his hand to touch the ground beneath him. At his touch, his body slammed into the ground.

“Oomf!” The air was knocked from him. He stood himself up, rubbing the back of his neck.

_Maker…guide me._

He could hear sobbing, louder here than it was where he had just came from.

“Elle?” He shouted. He ran into the doorway of the stable. There were empty stalls and empty raven cages. No signs of life, and thankfully, no signs of the carnage he had left behind in the real world. His eyes scanned the area, searching for the source of the sobbing. He walked down the line of stalls, checking each one. In the last stall, he saw a little girl, balled up in the corner. Her black hair was pulled back in pig-tails. Her head was in her knees as she cried.

“Elle?” He called softly.

The little girl lifted her head. Cullen was confused. Elle had olive skin, not the fair skin he saw on the child. Her skin was like his…and so were her ears, they were human. At the sight of Cullen, she stood and then ran to him.

“Papa!” She embraced him. Cullen placed his hand on her head. 

 _This isn’t real_.

The little girl looked up at him, her green eyes were full of tears, “mommy hates me!” 

Cullen knelt down, his face even with the little girl’s. He spoke softly to her, “Come now, you know mommy loves you. Tell me, where is she?”

The little girl sniffed, using her arm to wipe her nose. She looked down as she dug her toe into the ground, “I’m not supposed to say.”

Cullen raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean? Is mommy hiding from me?” If this apparition were a demon, he would play the game for a little longer, if it got him to Elle.

“Mommy is angry…sad…she is locked away.”

“Can you take me to her?” He asked, his voice calming.

She looked at him. Cullen was amazed at how much she looked like Elle and him. He thought the apparition was a very good rendition of what his child could look like. It broke his heart as he realized he would never see the child Elle was having. He realized that once he left this dream, his child would likely be dead.

“Papa…what’s wrong?” She placed her little hand upon his cheek. Cullen realized he had tears running down his face.

 _Fuck the fade._ He cursed to himself. He dried his eyes, “Nothing sweetie. Can you show me where Mommy is? We need to help her feel better.”

The little girl shook, “But there is a scary monster with her. That’s why I’m here. I’m hiding.”

“Scary monster?”

“Yeah…I want mommy!” The little girl cried again.

Cullen pulled her into him, embracing her. He stroked one of her pig tails. Her little hands clutched at his clothes, hanging onto him tightly. He held her a moment. The smell from her hair reminded him of Elle’s scent, but where Elle smelled of rain in the fall, this little girl smelled of rain on a spring day.

He pulled her from him and looked into her tiny face. Her big green eyes stared at him. “I need you to show me where mommy and the monster are.” She started to shake her head in objection but Cullen pressed, “I’ll protect you from the monster. She won’t get you.”

Cullen stood up. The little girl held her small hand up to him, wanting him to take it. His hand enveloped hers. Her tiny fingers wiggled in his hand.

 _So real…_ he thought. He struggled with his desire for the little girl to be real with his mind telling him that she wasn’t. She was just an apparition created by the desire demon. The little girl pulled his hand as she led him, skipping, out of the stable. He watched as her pig tails bounced as she skipped in front of him. She began to hum a familiar song. Cullen couldn’t place it at first. Her humming became louder. A memory flashed through his mind.

**He saw the early morning’s light passing through the window panes of the room he shared with Elle. She sat in a chair by the window, grinding herbs and flowers with a pistol and mortar. The light illuminated the particles in the air, making them glitter around her. She hadn’t noticed Cullen standing in the doorway. She hadn’t noticed him staring at her, reveling in her subtle beauty. She hummed a song to herself. A song her mother sang to her as a child…**

_It’s her song…_  

The little girl kept humming and skipping, pulling Cullen towards another large mirror, like the one the desire demon pushed him through. Instead of their reflection, the mirror held an image of a circle tower.

“That’s…the Ferelden circle tower.” He breathed.

The little girl looked up to him, “She became trapped there when you entered her dream.”

“How’s that…possible. She’s never been there. This should be only reflections of her dreams, shouldn’t it?”

The little girl let go of Cullen’s hand. She turned to face him, no longer speaking like a child, “Once you entered this place, it changed within and throughout. Your desires and fears…mirroring her own, gave shape to what caged her. The desire demon, unable to tempt you, cast you down here. The desire demon lost ground here. A fear demon cages mommy.”

“Maker…two of them are here? Fuck.” He glanced at the child, ashamed, “Uh…sorry.”

“It’s okay papa.” She smiled.

“So…you’re not a demon…are you?” He asked plainly.

The little girl shook her head.

“What are you?”

“I’m your daughter.” She said simply.

“Well, that can’t be…”

“Can’t it?” The little girl’s shape morphed into light with a human shape. It floated off the ground, its faceless face was level with his. Cullen shielded his eyes from her bright light. “The demon has trapped me too. My life depends on my mothers. Depends on you.”

“You must be mistaken spirit. The child is almost lost. She was losing it before the demon took over.”

“She allowed the demon to take over to save me. But now you must save her.” The spirit backed away, disappearing into the mirror.

Cullen inhaled deeply, then let the air escape him slowly. He stepped forward, crossing into the mirror.

He stepped out on the other side. His skin was crawling as he felt the air cold, sticky air around him. He stood inside the circle tower…in the room in which he was held captive so many years ago. Ahead of him was the stairway that led to the top of the tower, where Uldred killed many Templars and mages, creating his abominations. He could hear screams and cries pressing against the massive door. He started to doubt himself…his resolve…faced with the memories that had hounded him for years.

The spirit approached him, “She is beyond that door. I cannot tell you what is beyond. I sense your doubt. Don’t. Have faith.” The spirit reached its arm out and touched his forehead. He felt a warmth spread from the spot she touched, enveloping his mind and travel down his spine. It fanned out to his limbs, leaving them tingling.

“What did you do?” He asked the spirit.

“I’ve only removed the barriers that have been preventing you from reaching your full potential.” The spirit looked away from him, snapping her head to the side, “The desire demon is following us. She wants you, since she couldn’t have her. You will have to act quickly to kill the Fear demon and be strong to resist the desire demon.”

“Do I kill them both?” Cullen asked frantically.

“Only the fear demon has a hold of mommy. Kill it, you free us. The desire demon is just an on looker. It would be beneficial if she were killed as well, but not necessary in the moment.”

“Thank you…for your help spirit.” Cullen hesitated but then asked, “Are you really…the spirit of my daughter?”

“Have faith.” The spirit floated to the massive door in front of him, disappearing behind it.

Cullen felt something within him stir…a power he hadn’t felt before. Knowledge tugged at his mind, whispering to him. He took another deep breath, and headed up the stairs.

The screams and cries coming from behind the door were much louder now that Cullen stood in front of it. His hand trembled as he pressed it against the cold metal.

_This is almost over…_

He pushed his weight against the door, it opened slowly, creaking. Once it was cracked, hot air spilled out from behind it. The wailing that came from it pierced his ears. Once he was inside, he witnessed only horror.

Elle was at the center, wrapped in the tendrils of what Cullen guessed was the Fear demon. Her eyes were vacant, her body naked, her arms were stretched from her, held by little fears. Each held one of her hands as they sucked on her fingers, moaning. Elle’s legs were open, a tendril from the Fear demon wrapped around one of her thighs as it threatened to enter her.

“Maker,” Cullen breathed. He became incensed at the horror before him. His body shook, his hands quivered as they tried to make purchase on his hilt…which there was no sword to be had. His mind stirred, whispering to him, revealing secrets that were held from him, now released by the spirit’s touch. His body responded to his will.

He clapped his hands together, a shockwave emanated from him, its sound boomed, like thunder breaking across the sky. The power from his shockwave tossed the little fears from their grip on Elle, her hands fell to her side.

Cullen approached the Fear demon, grabbing the tendril that wrapped around Elle’s thigh. His hands squeezed it from her body, the Fear demon hissed.

_[Fear demon]…you can’t save her…_

“Shut UP!” Cullen’s hands tore the tendril from her, tearing it from the body of the demon. Black blood splurted from it, splashing against Cullen’s face and Elle’s body.

_[Fear demon]…Arrrgh…_

The demon grew in size. He lifted Elle’s body as he grew, withdrawing her from Cullen’s reach.

_[Fear demon]…she wants me…only I can help her now…you are an intruder here…begone!_

A tendril whipped at Cullen, vaulting him across the room. Cullen, dazed, looked up and watched as the Fear demon ripped Elle in two, her intestines spilling out, splashing to the ground below her.

“No!” Cullen screamed. A bolt of light shot out from his outstretched arm, striking the Fear demon. It brought it’s tendrils to its face as it hissed in pain.

_That wasn’t her…just a trick of the demon. I’m in her dream…her head._

Cullen stood himself up and charged the demon, feeling power pulsing within him. He became acutely aware of new abilities that he had access to. They felt similar to his prior Templar abilities, but he no longer needed Lyrium to perform them. He also felt more power…he perceived more of the world around him. Including how to kill the Fear demon.

He leapt, grabbing hold of one of the demon’s tendrils. He used his strength to grapple it, making his way towards the demon’s center.

 _[Fear demon]…pointless…the damage is done…killing me won’t matter…she is forever changed_.

“SHUT UP!” Cullen clawed his way through the demon’s mess of tendrils, ripping them as they tried to lock around his limbs. He could feel the energy pulse through the demon. He focused on it and began to use the demon’s energy against itself. Cullen began turning the demon inside out, pulling it’s blood from him, lighting it aflame with his own light that began to emanate from him. The demon screamed as Cullen ripped it apart until eventually there was nothing left of it except remnants of flesh. Cullen fell to the ground, his chest heaving from breathing hard. He watched as the remains of the demon fizzled into vapor and eventually disappeared. The spire in which he stood, began to crack and fall down around him.

“Come to me, I’ll take you from this nightmare,” a familiar voice sung to him.

As the walls crumbled around him, he turned and faced the Hero of Ferelden…the desire demon. Cullen’s face was twisted with rage. He charged the demon, grabbed her pale, lithe arms, and pulled her violently to him. Nose to nose, he growled, “I’ve had enough!”

Cullen felt the power within him ripple through his muscles. They bulged as he yanked her arms from her body. Bright red blood spurted from where her arms use to be. She screamed as she cast Winter’s Grasp. Cullen clapped his hands together, sending a shockwave from him again. It neutralized the area, nullifying her spell and knocking her back. He leapt, lunging towards her. He landed on top of the demon, her face snarled. He looked down upon the face of the Hero of Ferelden, snarling, spitting, and cursing his name. He didn’t hesitate. He craned his hand back, light enveloped his hand and forearm, taking the shape of a blade. He then lunged it forward, plunging his fingers into the demon’s chest. He felt around inside of her and found her heart. He squeezed it tightly within his grasp, feeling it beat against his grip. He yanked it from her. Slowly, she fizzled into vapor, disappearing forever.

“Thank you,” a voice called behind him. He stood to turn around but the spirit floated around to face him. “We are saved.”

“We?” Cullen asked between heaving breaths. The demon blood and flesh slowly vaped from his clothes, disappearing into the air around him.

“Mommy and I.” Said the spirit.

“Enough of this nonsense! What are you? What did you do to me?” He yelled at the spirit as he approached it menacingly.

“I am whatever you must tell yourself. And I only unlocked your potential. It is time to go. I’ll see you again papa.” The spirit faded.

The fade around him began to melt. He felt himself being pulled by a tether. The world around him flashed brightly then turned black.

“Cullen…”

He heard his name…faint at first.

“Cullen!”

It was Thom’s voice, calling his name. Cullen could suddenly feel the cold, wet snow against his face. He opened his eyes. He was face down on the ground. He could see the glow of Thom’s torch above him, Thom shook his shoulder. Cullen got up onto his knees, his body rigid.

“Maker’s balls, you’re back with us.” Thom clapped Cullen’s shoulder.

Cullen turned to face Thom, panic streaked across his features, “Where’s Elle!”

Thom’s eyes went downcast. He cleared his throat, “She’s fine.” He nodded behind him, “She’s with Morrigan.”

Cullen scrambled to his feet. His eyes scanned the battle field. All Seeker’s lay dead around them, their bodies twisted and contorted in unnatural ways. Cassandra was the only Seeker left alive. She sat in the snow where Cullen last saw her, before entering the fade. Her eyes were vacant…in shock. Cullen then looked beside him. Loranil laid there. His skin ashen grey, his mouth wide open, dead. He looked past Thom, who just knelt before him with his head in his hands, unsure of how to process what had just happened. Past Thom, Elle laid along the ground, furs were draped over her, Morrigan cast healing magic over her. Cole was next to Elle, his hand resting against her forehead.

Cullen walked past Thom, following a trail a blood that led to his wife. Morrigan looked up at him, her face grim.

“Welcome back Commander. Job well done.”

Cullen snorted at her statement. He didn’t feel like anything was done well. He only felt anger, sorrow, and regret. His fists were clenched at his side as he looked at Elle’s sleeping face. Her body was now healed of all its prior damage. She no longer looked ragged, bruised, or starved. Her ear and left hand were whole again. Cullen wanted to feel relief…joy…but all he felt was…

_Betrayed…you…you betrayed me._

“Fearful, fleeting, fearsome…he wonders how this has changed her…how it has changed him.” Cole spoke low. “He worries they will never be whole again. He doesn’t know if they can come back from this.” Cole’s voice trailed off.

“I might have some good news,” Morrigan said, her hand on Elle’s swollen belly, “It would seem that your baby lives. It moves within her. Want to feel?”

Cullen hesitated, not sure if he wanted to stay or flee. Not sure if it was a baby or a monster twisted by blood magic.

“You are in shock. ‘Tis only natural, considering recent events. Take your time. You’ve earned some.”

Cullen turned away from Morrigan and walked towards Cassandra. As he approached her, she stirred. Her body shivered as she struggled to look up at him. When she finally did, tears were streaming down her face.

“Cullen,” she breathed, “What has happened to us? This _madness_.”

Cullen was silent. He just looked down at the seeker. He was barely keeping his anger in check.

Cassandra looked him over, “Th-there is something different about you…you’ve changed. I-I sense…what happened to you in the fade?”

Cullen was silent.

Cassandra looked down, “I understand your anger.” Cassandra lifted herself from her seated position. She pulled a knife from her belt. Cullen’s quick reflexes stayed her hand. She looked at him, “It’s not for you.”

Cullen finally spoke, “Cassandra…why?”

“I’ll not recover from what happened here this night. I have failed in my duty. I’ve failed my friends.” She looked up to the stars above them, “For this…to happen to the chosen of Andraste…what does it mean? After all that we’ve been through…to come to this…this carnage. Where friends rip each other apart…and for what?”

Cullen didn’t have an answer for her. He only had the same questions. Cassandra turned to face him, locking eyes with him. He released his hand from hers. She pulled the knife from her belt and held it at her side.

“I’m sorry…” was all he could say to her.

Cassandra brought the knife against her abdomen, “Me too…” She plunged it into her and slid it across. Blood drained from the slit. She fell to her knees and her head leaned to the side.

“Maker guide you…” Cullen knelt in front of her. He placed her in his arms and guided her to the ground. He watched as life left her face and her eyes rolled up into her head. With his hand, he closed her eyes. Cullen hung his head, his eyes wide. He began to sob as his body trembled. His hand clenched at Cassandra’s armor. He shook her demanding “Why? WHY!” He craned his neck back ,his eyes gazed at the starry sky above him. He could see his breath billow from his lips.

“What is your plan?” He demanded, yelling at the sky. “What is happening? What could there possibly be to gain from all this?”

He stared and waited…no answer came.


	13. Voluble Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan wakes after the terrible events of Haven. She has no memory of her possession.

She awoke to the sound of birds chirping and the feel of the warm sunlight upon her face. Lavellan opened her weary eyes, squinting against the light. The world in front of her rocked, slowly, with the gait of the horse she rode on. She felt arms around her, holding her gently. As the sleep left her eyes, she gazed at the land in front of her. They appeared to be riding along a road that crossed open fields. Trees sparsely dotted the horizon around her. They were a far cry from Haven.

_Haven…wh-where are we…what…happened?_

She was already sitting up, being cradled by the other rider behind her. Her legs were draped over one side of the saddle. She suddenly felt pushback from her belly into her arms that rested atop it. Her hands quickly spread over her abdomen in surprise. The memory of her having contractions and bleeding…moments from losing her child, returned to her mind. 

_Creators…you’re still there? H-how…how can that be?_

Her breathing became erratic as she frantically searched her memory for what could have possibly happened to her but all she had was lost time. She felt the arm around her squeeze her. She looked to the face of the other rider. His golden eyes met her gaze. He made an attempt to crack half a smile at her. Her panic fell from her as relief took its place. She smiled warmly at him, tears welling up in her eyes at the joy of seeing him again.

“Sshh…” He hushed, “take it easy.”

“W-what happened?” As the question left her lips, his gaze left her, looking out to the horizon beyond her. His half cracked smile left his face, replaced by a half frown.

“We are headed to the Free Marches.” Was all he supplied her.

“Why? What happened Cullen?”

He was silent, not looking at her. She was concerned about his distance, his unwillingness to talk to her. The only small comfort she had from him was that his arm was still wrapped tightly around her.

“Cullen…what’s _wrong?_ ” She pressed him.

She watched as he swallowed hard, his gaze still away from her. He looked as if he struggled with his thoughts, debating within himself what he should tell her.

“Cullen?” She lifted her right hand to his face. At her touch, he closed his eyes for a moment, pressing his cheek against her hand.

“Is she awake?” The sweet song of Dorian’s voice carried to her ears. She sat up straighter, her eyes looking for him.

The horse he rode upon came trotting up beside her and Cullen. Lavellan was happier than she had been in what felt like ages, to gaze upon his beautiful face. He smiled warmly at her.

“That mustache is still glorious.” Lavellan smiled.

Dorian chuckled, “Nothing escapes your discerning eye Ellie.” He looked at Cullen, “I think we can take a break, yes?”

Cullen nodded, looking behind him. He let out a loud whistle as he guided the horse to turn swiftly left. Lavellan could hear several other horses behind them, but Cullen holding her blocked her view. They stopped in the grassy field, under a clutch of trees. Dorian hopped off his mount first then helped Lavellan down. Cullen remained atop their horse, silent. Lavellan looked back at him about to call him to her, but Dorian swiftly guided her away from him, tucked her right arm under his.

“Dorian…” She started.

He sighed, “Ugh, I know. This scenery is just dreadful. Grass for _miles_. We were lucky to find a group of trees for some shade. Northern Ferelden is just…” 

“Dorian,” she interrupted, “ _what_ are you doing here?”

He guided her to the shade of a tree, a distance away from the rest of the group. As he helped her sit down, she looked at who was with her. Cullen started to dismount as Thom Rainier talked to him. She saw Cole standing alone a dozen feet from them, watching her. Beyond Cole, was Sera, still atop her mount, she looked to be sulking as Morrigan talked at her. Lavellan tried searching her memories again but she found only remnants.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Dorian asked, pulling a water skin from under his cloak.

Lavellan’s gaze was still on the party in front of her. She watched them, hoping something would spark her memory. Her eyes also searched for Loranil, “I-I remember…”

**She felt her belly tighten, like a fist squeezing around her. She felt blood drip from between her legs as she cried in pain, clawing at the snowy ground.**

“I remember having contractions…back at Haven.” She said lowly.

_[Cassandra’s voice] Enough! Surrender now!_

“I only have fragments…” She scanned for Loranil, not finding him. “Where is my friend?”

“Who?” Dorian asked.

“Loranil…a Dalish elf. Did he leave?” She turned her head to face Dorian, “How and when did you get here? What has happened? Why can’t I remember?”

Dorian touched her left hand, to comfort her.

_What’s this?_

Her eyes went wide at feeling his hand upon hers…where there shouldn’t have been one. She lifted her left arm and gazed in horror at her left hand.

“Wh-what’s this?” Her voice cracked, “Dorian!”

He grabbed her shoulders firmly, “Ellie, a lot has happened. But it will do you no good to hear all of it now. Not until you eat something. You’ve been unconscious for _days_.”

Tears began to well up in her eyes. Her thoughts raced around in her head, trying to grasp her situation, trying to gain purchase on the fragments of horror that swirled around within her.

“Why do I have my hand? How is this possible?” She waved her left hand in Dorian’s face, urgency in her voice.

Dorian grabbed her hand and held it between his. He looked at her, his eyes sympathetic, “Please, I’ll tell you everything, but let’s have a snack first, okay? You and baby need it.”

_Baby…_

Her right hand held her belly, she felt the baby kick back at her touch. Dorian handed her his water skin. She took it, her hands shaking. He then handed her an apple and some jerky he had tucked in one of his pockets under his cloak.

“Thank you.” She said simply. She began to nibble at the jerky.

Dorian let out a lengthy sigh. His hand brushed her hair back and he then twirled her dark tresses between his fingers, “Just know…that I’m here for you, always.” 

Lavellan looked at him nervously. He meant it to comfort her, but instead it just terrified her- what was he about to tell her?

* * *

“Cullen, what do we tell her?” Thom questioned him as he dismounted. Cullen looked towards Dorian and Elle. They sat in the distance, under the shade of a tree. She was looking at them, a confused expression on her face. Cullen pulled an apple from one of the saddle bags. He walked to the front of his horse and fed it the apple.

“Cullen,” Thom pressed.

Cullen shrugged, “We tell her the truth.”

Thom scoffed, “You can’t be serious…all at once? Isn’t wh-what happened, something we should give her in small doses? Morrigan said that she would most likely not remember what happened, what she has done…how do we tell her what she did?”

Cullen replied, not looking at Thom, “She’ll have to face it eventually, Thom. We shouldn’t keep what happened from her. She would hate me for it.”

Thom looked towards Elle and Dorian, “Do you trust him to tell her? I mean, he wasn’t there…shouldn’t you be the one…”

Cullen cut off Thom’s words, “Dorian is sufficient. He’s her best friend. He can soften the rough edges. She doesn’t want to hear it from me.”

Cullen, having finished feeding his horse, whipped around quickly and began to fumble with the saddle bags.

Thom snorted, “I didn’t expect this from you Cullen.”

“Expect _what_?” Cullen sneered.

“That you’d be a man to run.”

Cullen stopped fiddling with the bags. He inhaled deeply in an attempt to quell the rage building inside of him. 

Thom continued, “Look, I don’t like what happened…I am having a hard time processing it still…but it _happened_. And we need to deal with it if we are going to be effective at stopping Solas.”

“We’ll stop _him_.” Cullen hissed between clenched teeth.

“ _You_ need to talk to your wife.” Thom pointed a finger at him.

Cullen hissed, “She just finally became conscious again. What am I supposed to do? Bombard her with the horrible things she did? When she looks at me…looks to me to comfort her?” Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, “Thom…when she woke, she looked at me with only love in her expression. I looked at her and only found…” Cullen couldn’t finish his sentence.

Thom snorted, “You need to be the man she knows you to be. You need to face what happened and help each other through it, Cullen. We need you…she needs you, and you need her.”

Cullen swiftly changed the subject, “Leliana confirms Morrigan’s information about the eluvian near Kirkwall. Leliana says Varric knows who its keeper is. We should be able to make it to the shipyard within the week. So we should focus our efforts on moving swiftly, making it to Kirkwall.”

Thom shook his head, “I don’t like this business with those relics. I don’t like Morrigan with us. Not after what she did…”

“She saved my family Thom.” Cullen said simply.

Thom sighed, “I don’t begrudge her of that fact…just…I don’t know. I don’t like her, there is something not right about her.” 

Cullen looked over to Morrigan. It appeared that she and Sera were in the midst of an argument. Cullen was surprised that Sera remained with them. He supposed if it weren’t for Thom, she would have been long gone. Sera hasn’t spoken to Cullen since Haven.

Cullen faced Thom again, “It doesn’t matter. She has information we need. If we can stop Solas sooner than later, it will put my mind at ease. I need to be done with this.”

Thom laughed, “You and me both.” After a moment, Thom asked quietly, “And what happens after we stop Solas? What will we do about the Divine? I’m sure they must know about their dead retinue of Seekers by now. Surely they’ve sent scouts. This only emboldens their accusations. Wars have been started over less.”

Cullen snapped, “Nothing we can do about that right now. Let’s focus on getting to Kirkwall and stopping Solas. After that…whatever happens, we can deal with the Chantry then.” 

“I like how you compartmentalize…I need to take a lesson from you. I’m having a rough time of it.” Thom snorted. “Alright, I’ll leave you be for now.” He walked away.

Cullen sighed, slumping over against the saddle for a moment.

_Maker…keep it together…_

He straightened himself up and glanced over at Dorian and Elle. He watched as she waved her hand in Dorian’s face. She looked panicked about the return of her left arm. Cullen felt his heart sink in his chest. As he watched her and Dorian talk, Dorian comforting her when it should have been him, he yearned to touch her. He wanted to run over to her and hold her, to tell her that everything will be alright. To revel in the news that their child would be OK. But doubt and fear gnawed at the back of his mind. He could barely face her, what she had succumbed to, what he witnessed in this world and in the beyond. He was terrified of what was in her…if it could even be called a child anymore. He worried what the effects of the blood magic could be, on the child, if there were any. He didn’t know.

_I let this happen to her…I couldn’t protect her. She didn’t trust me to do it. That’s why she left me._

“Longing and loathing, you can’t find answers.” Cole appeared beside Cullen.

“Be gone.” Cullen demanded.

“You are hurting, I can help.”

“How? By wiping my memories? Look how well memory loss worked for _her_.” He nodded towards Elle.

“No, not that. I can talk with you about what you saw in the fade.”

Cullen turned his gaze on Cole, “What?”

Cole nervously rolled his hands around each other, “I watched you…while you were in there. I couldn’t help there, I could only spectate, but I might be able to help put your mind at ease.”

Cullen turned his body to face Cole, he approached him, putting his face inches from Cole’s, “What did you see that you think you could possibly put my mind at ease?”

“I-I uh…I saw the spirit of Faith…she helped you.”

Cullen stepped back, “Faith?”

Cole nodded, “Yes. A friendly spirit. She helped you. Not a demon.” 

Cullen crossed his arms over his chest, sighing in exasperation. He didn’t have much patience for Cole. 

Cole continued, “She wasn’t wrong…about being your daughter.”

Cullen’s eyes went wide, “Wh-what?”

“Why didn’t you believe it, considering where you were? You were within Ellana…but so was she. She is a part of her until she’s not. She was trapped by the demon too. You stopped the desire demon from taking your daughter, you didn’t know it, but you did.”

Cullen shook his head, unable to process what Cole was telling him, “H-how can that be? The child is not even born yet! She…it is still growing inside of Elle.”

“Do babies not have souls?” Cole asked confused.

Cullen hesitated, his mouth gaping open. He closed his mouth and thought about Cole’s question.

“She is no demon. She is you…and _her_. She is you both.” Cole turned and walked away from Cullen.

Cullen looked back and Elle and Dorian. She was sobbing in her hands, Dorian comforting her in an embrace. Her body shook and he could hear her cries. He looked to the rest of his party. Morrigan, Sera, Thom, and Cole just stared at Elle. They watched as she unraveled at the news Dorian was telling her. They then looked at him. He could tell their concerned expressions were wondering if he was going to go to her. He looked away from them and returned to fiddling with the saddle bags. 

_I can’t…_

* * *

 

“Ellie, I’m sorry.” Dorian held Lavellan tightly to him, attempting to hold her still why she shook as she cried. “I didn’t know how else to tell you other than…the truth, as they told it to me.”

“All those people…Cassandra…” She sobbed.

“They presented you with no other option. It was kill or be killed.”

“I-I-I’m a monster!” She wailed. He squeezed her tightly to him. “I wasn’t strong enough…I didn’t think I would…how could I be so weak?”

“Ellie…you were a monster. You’re not now.” He laughed a little. His attempt at humor failed.

“And poor Loranil…he was my friend! If it weren’t for him…I would never have made it back to Cullen. How could he let her do that to him?”

“It saved you…and your child.” Dorian said softly. “It was a tragedy, yes, but they made a decision when one needed to be made. I cannot say that I’m not happy about the outcome.”

“They should have killed me!”

Dorian laughed, “Sera tried, or so I was told. But you just threw her little arrow right back at her. Hence her sore shoulder.” 

Lavellan looked up at Dorian, “This isn’t funny.”

Dorian gasped, “Why, of course it isn’t funny. I’m removed from the horror enough that I can make light a little. You all are far too broody for my tastes.”

“Dorian, you’re not helping!” She screamed at him.

He withdrew his embrace and looked sternly at her. “Quite. Right, now you’ve had your cry. Time to clean yourself up and get a move on. We don’t have time to wallow in self-pity. There will be plenty of time for that later. You can’t change what has been done…” 

“What about time magic?” She said quietly, snidely.

Dorian snorted, “Well, let’s just add that to the list of bad decisions to repeat later. Now, we pick ourselves up and move forward.”

“How?” She asked him simply.

“We get up and face what’s in front of us.”

Lavellan eyed Cullen who was standing near his horse, rubbing the back of his neck. It looked like he was debating with himself.

“He looks at me different.” She said softly.

“Give him time. Who knows what he experienced in the fade. It’s traumatic enough for mages who have more experience. But he just went through the harrowing, essentially.”

She stood herself up, awkwardly, having to maneuver her swollen belly. She wiped her face clean, brushing away her tears. She then took a swig from the water skin. Dorian looked her up and down and then smiled. She raised an eyebrow at him, “What?”

“You wear it well. Being pregnant I mean. You’re beautiful.” His smile grew across his face.

A smile tugged at the corner of her lip, “Are you thinking of switching teams now? I hate to tell you, but I’m already taken.”

His smile turned devilish, “For now, I’m still trying to worm my way into that man’s heart.”

She sighed, “I might have to join you in that endeavor…I could sense his distance when I woke.”

“Come now, enough of this. We should be moving on.” He held out his arm for her to take.

She looked at the group, nervously, “How do I talk to them? What do I say?”

“You don’t need to say anything for now.”

She hooked her right arm in his as he led her back to the group. She swallowed a lump that had formed in her throat, terrified of what they thought of her. As they approached the group, she watched them mount their horses. Cullen stood in front of her, his golden eyes were cold, distant, as they gazed upon her. Dorian left her side and went to his mount, leaving Lavellan and Cullen relatively alone.

“Are you ready?” He asked. His voice was soft.

She nodded. He held out his hand to help her onto the horse. He guided her hand to the saddle and then put his hands out as a step. She stepped and both of them lifted her onto the horse. He mounted behind her. He wrapped one arm around her, gently resting over her swollen belly. His fingers splayed across it, gripping her. She felt the baby move and press against Cullen’s hand. He moved his hand away for a second, surprised, but he returned it to her, feeling his child move.

“Maker…” He breathed in her ear. The baby kicked again, making Cullen laugh. “Wow.”

Lavellan wrapped her left hand around his, finding comfort in the moment. As soon as she did, he slipped his away. She felt his hand shaking as it left her. He used both his hands to handle the reins and kicked the horse to go.

They continued their ride north, silently.


	14. Chasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan and party make it aboard a ship, on their way to Kirkwall. Her party still struggles with what has happened.

Lavellan leaned over a railing, vomit heaved from her, spilling into sea below her. The rocking of the ship was getting the better of her. Dorian stood beside her and rubbed his hand over her back with one hand, the other held her hair back as she vomited.

“I told you I could cast a spell to ease the nausea.” He told her.

She straitened herself up and then wiped her mouth with her arm. She looked at him, her face pale, “I told you, no magic.”

“Then…I’m sure someone has some kind of herbal remedy aboard this ship. I’ll see if I can go find you something. Surely they have ginger, at least.” He looked her up and down and shook his head, “You have no sea legs, do you? This is appalling and quite unbecoming.”

She just glared at him as she held her belly. They were on a small ship, headed to Kirkwall. Leliana had a connection with a smuggler’s boat to give them passage across the Waking Sea. Lavellan discovered that she did not care for sailing. She had struggled with seasickness for the past two days.

“Can you just help me back to my room so I can lay down?” She asked him, annoyed by his constant joking.

Dorian helped her walk along the listing deck and down a ladder that led down to where the cabins were. Dorian, Cullen, and Lavellan shared one cabin. The others bunked in another. They entered their cabin and Dorian helped her to a hammock. It swayed with the list of the ship. She rolled into it and gave out a sigh.

“My goodness, you’re quite large. I’m surprised the hammock holds at all.” Dorian laughed.

“Shut up.” She said tiredly. After a moment, she asked him, “Have you seen Cullen?”

“He’s been meeting with the others. They’ve been using the sending crystal to talk with Leliana, giving her our status.”

“I should be there.” She started to sit up but Dorian gently pushed her back down.

“You need to rest.” He said sweetly.

Lavellan glared at him, “You don’t need to protect me.”

Dorian sighed, “You are too clever. Fine, they don’t want you there. They’re not ready to deal with you.”

“ _Deal_ with me? They’ve had longer to deal with what happened than I have…I can’t believe this.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“Look…you have the convenience of not remembering. What they saw is still very vivid in their minds. When they look at you…”

Lavellan met his gaze. He looked somberly at her. Her eyes fell, she knew what he didn’t want to say.

_They still see an abomination…a blood mage…a traitor._

Dorian’s voice became stern, “You need to tell them _everything_.” He meant about her being raped. She had confided in him days ago about what she went through, about her regret that Loranil had to die for her. He continued, “That is a very important piece of this mystery that you are to them at the moment.”

Lavellan spat at him, “Important?”

Dorian sighed, “Yes, it would give them perspective on the choices you made…it would help them understand.”

“No.”

“Ellie…if not them, you must tell Cullen.”

“NO!” She yelled,

Dorian spoke after a moment of silence, “You know, after the Templars took you from your home, Cullen told me something. He was hurting that you were gone, that you had left him. He felt that you abandoned him.” Dorian turned to leave the room, looking back at her he said, “You were foolish. You didn’t have faith in him, that he could protect you. You saw him weak without his Templar abilities. So you caged him.”

“No, I didn’t think…” She started.

Dorian interrupted, “That moment changed him, and he’s changed with every moment after. Just like you have changed. You have to learn how to deal with that. Things will never be as they were. So instead of dwelling on what was, you both need to embrace what is and what will be.”

He left, closing the door behind him. She laid in the hammock, letting it gently rock her back and forth as her mind raced. Remnants of memories at Haven flashed through her mind. Cassandra’s face, twisted, angry…determined. Cullen standing in front of her, ready to defend her against Cassandra. Their fight…how helpless she was…

_I was so weak…beaten…I gave up…_

She suddenly had a flash of a monster. It screamed in her face, it’s tendrils pulled at her limbs. She jumped out of the hammock and ran to the door, rushing to get fresh air and to flee her memory. She stumbled down the narrow passage, the monster chasing her in her mind. Screams and cries echoed in her mind.

_[Sera’s voice] No! No, no NO!_

_[Cullen’s voice] Elle!_

Lavellan clawed her way up the ladder, the cool sea air hitting her face, knocking the terror from her mind. She breathed deeply as she pulled herself onto the deck. She leaned over onto her hands and knees, clutching her chest.

“You alright?” Thom stood before her. His hands were crossed over his chest as he looked down at Lavellan, his head tipped to one side. “You look a little green around the gills.”

“I’m fine,” Lavellan lied.

“Need help up?” Thom offered.

“No.” Lavellan stood herself up, still breathing heavily from her panic attack. She nodded at Thom then walked past him, headed towards the side of the ship. Thom’s gaze followed her. He then joined Lavellan at the side rail, and stared out to the open sea.

The silence stretched between them…awkwardly. Thom fidgeted, debating with himself on what to say to Lavellan. Lavellan just sighed as she rested her head in her hand, her elbow resting on top of the railing. Thom hadn’t talked to her much other than “Pardon” or “Hello”. Lavellan wanted him to go away, his presence was an annoyance. She was tired that no one knew how to act around her. She finally turned her head to face him.

“Thom…whatever you have to say just say it.” She said flatly.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been unworthy of you.” He sighed, relieved he was able to say something to her. He looked her in her eyes, “All of us…we don’t know how to process what has happened. I know you don’t remember, but it was _terrible_. It is by far the worst thing I have witnessed.”

“Thom, you’re not making me feel better.”

“Ellana, I’m honestly not here for you. I’m here for me…and well, Cullen too.” He said bluntly. “Look, I don’t know what happened to you to drive you to the point that you felt you needed to use blood magic, but I can reason it in my mind. That’s more than what Sera and Cullen can do. They can’t even accept that there could be a reasonable explanation for blood magic…but, you now me, what I’ve done.” He sighed, “I wanted to tell you, that I’m sorry. For not knowing how to support you through this. I will do better by you, you deserve that from me.”

“Why am I here?” She asked plainly.

Thom was surprised by her question, “Uhm, like on this ship? We are headed to the Free-“

She interrupted, “You guys are on this mission to stop Solas…I’m just dead weight. I’m a liability at this point. I don’t even have the anchor anymore…I’m unimportant.” She looked down at her left hand. Disgusted, she looked away.

“The anchor isn’t what made you important…you made you important. Your actions, your determination…YOU. Is that what you think…that you aren’t worth anything anymore?”

She looked at him, changing the subject, “What’s in the Free Marches? No one has told me what the plan is.”

“We didn’t want to over-burden you.”

“Thom,” She gestured to her whole self, “I’m over-burdened already. I need to know the plan…I need to be able to focus on something. I need to feel useful.”

“Right…” His eyes searched hers. She could see sympathy behind his eyes. His pity. But, as he looked at her, his gaze was soft, kind. She could tell there was something else he wanted to tell her. He was being awkward.

“Thom?”

“Right!” His cheeks flushed red as he realized he stared too long. “You want to feel important.”

She let out a short laugh, “Yes, don’t we all. Now that you say it like that…it sounds silly.”

Thom smiled, “Not at all.” He cleared his throat, “Well, let me catch you up. Morrigan actually met up with us at Haven, before you, Cole, and…that lad arrived.”

“Loranil.” Lavellan supplied. She said is name so that she would not forget, so that he would not forget.

“Right. She was waiting at the smuggler’s cave for us…well you really. She told us that the Well of Sorrows spoke to her, commanded her really, to be where she waited. She says she needed you and your mark to enter the Crossroads, beyond he eluvian.”

Lavellan furrowed her brow, “My mark? I don’t have it anymore.”

“That’s what we said. She said we were mistaken.” Thom scratched his beard, “You will have to talk to her about that part. She’s been about as cryptic as Cole. Anyway, she says that the way to stop Solas was to wake your so called Creators…the Evanuris. To do that, we need access to an eluvian not yet controlled by Solas. She says there is one, restored by a Dalish mage, sitting in the hills of Sundermount, near Kirkwall.”

“She’s crazy.” Lavellan stared at Thom, shocked by this plan. “Solas said the Evanuris are powerful mages. He couldn’t kill them so he locked them away!”

“He couldn’t kill them or wouldn’t?”

“Well…I don’t know. But how he talked about them, it would make sense he would have tried.” Lavellan thought a moment and then laughed, “You think that waking all-powerful, immortal mages, who enslaved their own people…is a good idea?”

“Morrigan said…”

Lavellan interrupted, “Morrigan is a tool of Mythal! One of these Evanuris! She is only doing the will of Mythal and who knows what her motivations are? For fuck’s sake, Thom, this is crazy!”

Thom said, “This world is mad Ellana. Nothing has made sense since the arrival of Corypheus. It has only become more mad. So maybe…we fight madness with more crazy.”

Lavellan scoffed, “We have a choice Thom. It’s to convince Solas that this world is worth saving.”

“Currently…I’m at a loss of how to do that if I’m honest.”

Lavellan placed her hand on top of Thom’s, “I’ve struggled…a lot recently. I’ve made poor decisions in desperation. When I was at my lowest, I gave up. But something in me wanted to survive, to stay alive in this world. Maybe it’s just instinct, but I prefer to think that my subconscious is aware of what is worth saving in this world. There is something that is pulling me to stay, to fight, even if it calls a demon to do it for me.”

Thom laughed. He clapped his other hand over hers. His thumb stroked her skin. “You may be right. I can tell you one thing, I’m not leaving you until this is done. You have my sword, always.”

“Thom?” Lavellan pulled her hand from his. As she did, she saw disappointment flash across his face. “How is Cullen?”

“Ah,” he said, “Yes.” He cleared his throat, “He is struggling. He…uh…has he talked to you?”

“Not at all. He’s grown even more distant as each day passes. He balks at my touch. He hasn’t looked at me once since we came aboard the ship. I wish I could remember what happened…see what you saw.”

“You do not want to relive that horror. He wouldn’t want you to.”

“ _He_ wants nothing to do with me anymore.”

Thom shook his head, “He hasn’t told anyone what he witnessed in the fade, to save you. Cole knows something but keeps his secret. All we know is that he killed the demon within you.”

Lavellan looked at him coldly, “Yes…but do the ends justify the means?” 

Thom looked at her darkly, “Yes, without a question.”

* * *

 

Cullen at the ship’s stern. Looking out the waves behind them. They had a plan once they made it to Kirkwall and he felt determined. He would only allow himself to focus on stopping Solas. It was the only thing that drowned out everything else. It prevented him from having to deal with his inner demons, so-to-speak.

“Commander.” Morrigan walked up to him, placing her hands on the railing.

“Why do you call me by that title?” He asked with a sigh.

“That’s what you are, is it not?” She asked simply.

“It’s not my title. I don’t have a title anymore.”

“How about Seeker?” She smiled wryly.

He looked at her, with a raised eyebrow, “What?”

“Cole told me…and I could sense it in you. You’ve changed Commander. You’re more _powerful_.”

“I’m not a Seeker.” He protested.

“You essentially are, if I’m remembering the information about their ritual correctly. They become tranquil and then a ‘spirit of faith’ touches their mind, releasing them from tranquility. You just had the added bonus of defeating a powerful demon. So I would venture in saying you are more powerful than a Seeker, having gone through their vigil and a harrowing. Lucky you.”

Cullen remained silent. He looked down at his hands, remember what they had allowed him to do in the fade. He wondered if he could do the same in this world, if Morrigan was correct.

“I’m sure we’ll get to test my assumption soon enough,” she said. “Leliana did say the Divine is mobilizing Templars all over. Kirkwall will be dangerous for us, considering their circle is within the city walls.”

“I know Kirkwall, I can get us to Varric without getting us noticed. It helps that he is Viscount.”

“Yes, having friends in high places is a benefit indeed.”

Cullen turned to look at Morrigan, “Why are you here?” 

“I told you, to help you stop Solas.”

“No, I mean right now. Why are you talking with me?” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Just checking up on you. You’ve been through more than most.”

Cullen snorted, “Lucky me.”

“You know what is interesting?” She said cooly, “You are a former Templar, turned Seeker, married to a powerful Dalish apostate, who has journeyed to the fade to defeat a demon. You have a very unique perspective. You are in a unique position to finally understand what it is like to be a mage…without actually being one. What great amount of will power it takes a mage, with every breath they take, to keep their wits about them. With great power, there is great temptation. One can only hold out for so long before they give in. What’s that old saying? Only the good die young?” Morrigan smiled. She bowed her head and then left him.

Was she giving him a warning about the new power he found himself with? Or was she somehow excusing Elle for turning to blood magic? That mages struggle for so long resisting temptations from demons, eventually they give in?

Cullen thought on his time in the fade. The temptation of the desire demon-bringing up his lust for the Hero of Ferelden. It shamed him, hearing aloud, some of his darkest thoughts. And did the demon speak truth that Elle thought about someone else when she was with him? Is her heart yearning for someone else? Or was it just lies the demon spoke, to lull him into taking her offer?

_If that’s what mages face..._

“Cullen?”

He snapped his head to face Elle. She stood before him, the wind pushing her long black hair against her face and accentuating her swollen belly. Her eyes gleamed in the fading light of day. He still found her beautiful…more even. He turned his body to face hers. He rubbed the back of his neck, not sure what to say to her.

“Are you okay?” She asked him, with genuine concern.

He shook his head, “No.”

She approached him, touching her hand to his arm. He pulled away at her touch.

“I-I’m sorry.” He stammered.

She withdrew her outstretched hand, her eyes fell from his face. “I’m sorry, Cullen.”

He just stared at her, at a loss for words. He turned to leave but she called to him, “Cullen, will we be ok?”

He looked at her, “I don’t know.”

Her eyes pleaded, “Why won’t you talk to me?”

“I-I can’t. Not yet. Please understand…”

“I don’t! Help me understand what is happening between us. Talk to me.”

“Elle…I just can’t.” He started to walk away.

She grabbed his arm and pulled him to a stop. “You will not leave me. Not until you answer me! You don’t get to abandon me like this!”

Cullen’s face twisted to anger, “You abandoned me first.” He turned to face her, backing her up against the ship’s railing, “You _caged_ me, imprisoned me! You didn’t have faith that I could protect you so you fled. When push came to shove, you fled.”

She shook her head, “No, I thought I was protecting you. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I wasn’t worth your life!”

“You were worth more than that to me! Or I thought you were…but when faced with a choice, I didn’t choose you.” He struggled to hold back his tears. “When you were possessed, _sucking_ the life from those seekers…Morrigan gave me a choice. She said that I could save you with blood magic. I told her I couldn’t make that decision…I struggled with the idea of using blood magic to save you. I hesitated…and it would have cost me my family, if Morrigan didn’t do what she did.” He grabbed her shoulders and shook her slightly, tears were streaming down his face, “Don’t you see? I don’t have what it takes to protect you. You were right to cage me and leave!”

“Cullen…” She tried to embrace him but he pulled away from her violently.

“Cassandra, when faced with your corruption, lost her faith, her self. She couldn’t bear it. You are the representation of all this world corrupts. If the Maker allows his best to be besieged by demons…what does that mean? If I can’t risk all to save the woman I love…what does that mean?” 

“Cullen…I…I’m so sorry to have put you through this. You should have never been faced with that choice. I should have been stronger, but I didn’t know how to be. I was broken. I couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing you again, of you never holding our child...I made a choice…I want to tell you that I regret it, but I don’t. I’m not sorry that I have this second chance.”

“I can’t be with you.” Cullen shook his head. “I can’t be with you, not like this.” He turned and walked away.

“Cullen, wait!” She ran to him, trying to stop him from leaving. “Please…don’t leave me.”

Her fingers began to spark. They zapped him like a static shock. His muscles bulged. She felt a power stir in him.

“I said, I CAN’T” He swung her from him, a flash of light pulsed from his body. She fell back against the railing, her eyes wide in shock.

Shocked at what he had done, he ran to her. “I’m sorry!”

She stared at him, her chest heaved with heavy breath. She grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him, deeply. With each gasp for breath, she pulled him harder into her. Their tongues caressed each other’s, pressing firmly against the other. His breathing was un-even, sporadic. He grabbed her shoulders, squeezing his fingertips into her flesh. She moaned against his grip, biting his lip in return. He pulled away, licking his lips. He tasted blood. He glared at her and her him, both breathing heavy. He grabbed her jaw and pulled her face to his and kissed her, forcing his tongue into her mouth. He pushed her against the railing, feeling her bend over it slightly. He ran his hand into her head of hair, wrapping her tresses around his fingers, using her hair to pull her head back, controlling her as he kissed her. She wrapped her hand around his neck, her thumb pressed against his trachea. He pulled her hair more as he kissed her and then grabbed her thigh, lifting it up to his hip. He thrust his hips against her, positioning her leg so he was at her center, and careful not press against her pregnant belly.

She moaned as she felt his bulge against her. His arousal excited her. She squeezed his neck a little more. He pulled her hair tighter in response. With her free hand, she shoved it down his breaches. She grabbed his cock and jerked him. He growled as he kissed her. After a moment he stopped. He pulled his lips from hers and rested his forehead against hers.

“I want to…maker…I want you.” He lifted his head and looked her in her eyes, “I can’t have you.” He yanked her hand from his breeches and left her. She watched in disbelief as he left her topside, aroused and panting, but ultimately rejected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will Lavellan obtain her release now? :P
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	15. Low in Lowtown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party makes it to Kirkwall. The go their separate ways to avoid attention.

Lavellan and her party finally arrived in Kirkwall. With a hood raised over head, she walked around Lowtown, browsing the various merchant wares among the many market stands in the streets. Thom walked near her, scanning their surroundings, always on guard. Lavellan held her abdomen frequently, the weight and size of it began to drain her after long periods of standing.

Before they landed in Kirkwall, Cullen instructed the party to split up in groups of twos. Leliana had warned them that the Divine had every city on high alert and that she was mobilizing her forces to begin a hunt for Lavellan. Cullen thought that they would draw too much attention if they travelled in a large group. The smaller groups were split in a way, that each pair had a mage. Cullen thought that if any group ran into trouble, having a mage to cast barriers would be a benefit to the other member. Sera refused to travel with any blood mage (referencing Lavellan and Morrigan) so Cullen paired her with Dorian. Cullen paired himself with Morrigan and Lavellan with Thom. Cole…was to be Cole. Being that he was more spirit than boy, he was able to travel with whomever he pleased. Thom attempted to comfort Lavellan in saying that Cullen knows Thom doesn’t trust Morrigan, but Lavellan had her doubts. She believed it to be that Cullen wanted nothing to do with her. They hadn’t spoken or looked at each other in days.

Dorian suggested that they use his and Lavellan’s sending crystals, breaking them in thirds, to use as a way to contact one another. They weren’t sure it would work, but after testing the shards, they found that activating one, activated all. They had a way to contact everyone in case of trouble. 

The groups were to keep a low profile in the city until nightfall. They were to meet with Varric in a warehouse in Darktown that night. Varric, being Viscount, had to keep their meeting secret and not risk exposure. According to Leliana, Varric had information about the nearby Dalish clan that had access to the eluvian Morrigan mentioned. Lavellan still thought it was a bad idea to wake the Evanuris. But she supposed using the eluvian would help her find Solas quicker, in hopes that she could convince him to end his endeavor.

Lavellan and Thom walked together through the Lowtown markets, watching and listening for any news on the area. They overheard many talking about rumors of an Exalted March. They also mentioned most of the Alienage was empty, many of the elves having fled. Lavellan spotted a Chantry Cleric walking among the crowd in the markets. She watched the cleric out of the corner of her eye. The cleric looked strange to Lavellan due to the large scar down her cheek. Most of the clerics she had run into, never showed physical signs of battle.

“Watch out,” Thom said as she bumped into him with her large belly. He placed his hands on her abdomen from reflex.

“Ir abelas,” She laughed, “I’m having more trouble with gauging my personal space.”

She felt the baby kick. Thom’s hands jumped at feeling the movement.

“Whoa! I-I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to touch you…” He started to apologize.

“It’s okay,” she smiled at him, “Do you want to feel? She’s being really active.”

“She?” He raised an eyebrow at her, as he placed his hand on her belly.

Lavellan wrapped her hands over his, guiding him along her abdomen so he could feel her move, “Yes, She. No doubt in my mind.”

“Well, you have a fifty, fifty chance there. So odds are pretty good,” He laughed. “This is remarkable…what you have here.” His eyes made contact with hers.

“Thank you, Thom. I hope so.” She watched his expression as he felt the kicks of her baby. He smiled. He looked…joyful. She looked down at his hands on her. She moved them to her side, where she felt her baby move. His hands were much larger than hers, and calloused from decades of swordplay. For how large and strong his hands were, she was surprised how gentle they were on her.

A human woman approached them, smiling, “Oh maker, look at you two. I saw you from down the way. You two are the cutest pair. It looks like you could have that baby any day now.”

Thom blushed as he removed his hands from Lavellan. Lavellan turned her head down, embarrassed. Thom replied to the woman, “The baby could come any day now. We can’t wait,” he winked at Lavellan. “Tell me something young lady, is there somewhere here that sells trinkets for a child?” He leaned in to whisper to the woman, but it was still loud enough that Lavellan could hear, “I want to surprise her with something special.”

The woman smiled widely, happy to help the couple, “Oh yes! You must visit Meric’s stall in Hightown. Only the best.”

“I think we will!” Thom grabbed Lavellan and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, squeezing her to him. “Thank you for chatting with us. It’s so good to see a friendly face.”

The woman smiled, “It’s so refreshing to see love like yours,” she waved as she walked away.

Thom laughed as he removed his arm from Lavellan, “How lucky are we?” he winked. 

To her surprise, Lavellan blushed. Thom raised an eyebrow at her and had a halfcocked smile on his face. He turned and walked slowly away, nodding her to follow him. They continued browsing the market.

 

* * *

 

“Sera…there is NO way you can [hiccup] outlast me. My nose [hiccup] is magnificent and is perfect for hanging spoons on.” Dorian sat on the floor of an inn room within the Hanged Man. Sera sat across from him, with an ale in hand. They both had spoons hanging off their noses.

“First one to have it drop [hiccup] buys the next round!” Sera raised her mug in the air, ale spilling over the brim. She then tossed her head back and began drinking…the spoon falling from her nose. “Oh frig!”

Dorian laughed, “Looks like you, my rag-a-muffin friend, owe me a pint [hiccup]!”

“Here’s yer pint!” She tossed her mug at Dorian.

“What the blazes?” He brushed some of the spilt ale from his robe, “Poor sport.”

“Shut it.” She snapped at him. Her face crinkled.

“If you’re not careful [hiccup] your face will freeze that way.” Dorian pointed out.

“I said shut it!” She yelled at him. Feeling her several drinks, she laid back on the ground and closed her eyes.

“Uh oh….someone’s giving up on me? Am I to drink alone now?” Dorian scooted closed to Sera. He then clumsily fell over onto his side and stared her in the face. “Come now, this is no fun. I hate it when you pout.”

She threw a drunken punch at him. She missed. Frustrated, she sighed, “Sod off.”

Dorian rolled over to his back and stared at the ceiling. He and Sera had been getting drunk the better part of the day. They hadn’t meant to get drunk, just have a couple of ales.

“Don’t get too [hiccup] comfortable,” he said, “we only have this room for a little while longer.”

“Who the hell rents a room for only a couple of hours?” Sera snapped at him. “So friggin dumb, yeah?”

Dorian laughed, “The type of people who don’t want to stay anywhere too long but want a moment’s peace.” He turned his head to her, “Or you know…prostitutes.”

“Pppfffttt. You would be the prostitute then. I’m the dashing young adventurer here to get her release and then move on!” Sera slurred. After a moment, Sera looked at Dorian. Her voice slurred but was serious, “Hey you, do you believe she is who she says she is?”

Dorian looked at her confused, “What?”

“Lavellan…you’re her best friend, yeah? Do you think she is still bumping uglies with Solas?”

Dorian scoffed, “Absolutely not!”

Sera snorted, “Yeah well, it looks like the Commander wants nothing to do with his wifey anymore. That says a lot to me. He won’t even touch the woman carrying his babe.”

“What is your problem?” Dorian sneered. “Seriously, what is your deal?”

Sera sat up, “My _deal?_ My deal is everyone else’s deal! We are all caught in the middle of monsters with too much power, threatening to destroy our world. For fuck’s sake!”

“Right,” he said, “but why do you hate my dear friend?”

“I don’t hate her. Well I do. But then I don’t.”

“Which is it?” Dorian was getting annoyed, or maybe the alcohol was making him tired and impatient. He wasn’t entirely sure.

Sera put her head in her hands, “I hate her, what she’s become. She just abandoned everything she stood for cuz she was knocked down. She didn’t get back up. She crawled out and drug hell with her. All signs to me, point that she is still crushing on Solas. That’s why she is so insistent on saving him instead of just TAKING HIM DOWN! And now that her Cully-Wully wants nothing to do with her…I bet he knows…”

“If that were true…then why hasn’t he tried to convince us to _stop_ her. Honor would compel him to do so, no?” Dorian waved his hand around, flippantly.

“He still cares for her…maybe…I dunno. But it’s suspicious. I don’t trust her. Nor do I have faith in her. She’s too dangerous.”

“Then why are you here…with us?”

“Why are you here?” She spat.

Dorian sat up and fixed his hair, “Because you damned idiot, I believe in my friends. You’re right, she was knocked down…hard. Someone has to be there to help her put the pieces of her life together. She’s not working with Solas. She wants to save him because she believes he can be saved, like she believed in Thom. Look how that turned out. He’s doing more good now than he did in his whole life before meeting her. It makes me sad that you never got to know her well. You were too busy playing your childish pranks and whining all the time. Now you are here being a pain in my ass with spreading the Chantry’s propaganda.”

Sera stood up suddenly, her face beet red, “She killed CASSANDRA! Does that mean nothing to you? She was one of the best of us! She put Lavellan into power and was one of the first people to believe in her.”

Dorian shook his head, “Cassandra killed herself.”

“No!” Sera spat, “Lavellan is responsible. Cassandra was faced with her failure…that the person who she had put up as an idol, a hero, a pillar of faith…stood before her, corrupted. She couldn’t come back from that…she didn’t. Lavellan killed Cassandra. Who’s next? Which one of us will die because of her? The whole world? I’m not going to let that happen, not ‘til I run out of arrows!” Sera stumbled out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Dorian grabbed one of the several mugs they had strewn around the room, looking to see if any ale remained. He drank whatever was left. He then got up to his feet and left the room, following Sera out of the door. 

“Sera, wait…” He caught up to her, before she left the Hanged Man. “Let’s get something to eat first before we go run amok in our drunken stupor.”

 

* * *

 

Cullen shrouded himself in a cloak, hiding his face under a hood. He stalked around the Lowtown markets with Morrigan. They had gathered a few supplies for their packs, using the money they got for selling their mounts back in Ferelden. He swiveled his eyes around the market, watching the many faces that passed by them. None-the-wiser to who they were, what they were running from…what they faced. All these people were just living their lives while unseen forces toyed with their future existences.

Cullen handed over some gold in exchange for potions. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Thom and Elle across the way. Maybe thirty feet from him. Thom had his hands on Elle’s belly. He watched her smile at Thom’s touch. A genuine smile that Cullen hadn’t seen in what felt like ages.

_Not since that day…before all this happened._

“They are quite fetching aren’t they? If they are not careful, they’ll have the whole market of looky-loos descend upon them.” Morrigan approached Cullen, shoving some food into her pack that was slung around her shoulder. “Ah, there goes one now.”

They casually watched a woman approach Thom and Elle. Cullen watched as what he only imagined Thom pretending to be the father. Anger stirred in him as he watched Thom pull Elle to him and hug her shoulder.

“Come then, let’s be off. We’ll draw too much attention if we stare.” Morrigan nudged Cullen with her elbow, beckoning him to follow.

Cullen took a moment longer, his eyes lingered on Elle’s face. Her expression…reminded him of how she acted around him in their early years together. He looked at Thom’s face. He knew that look. That smile that spread, cheek to cheek, the nervous laughter. How he carried himself around her, reveling in the act they were performing for bystanders. Cullen knew it all too well. He turned his gaze away and followed Morrigan.

They walked into a small alcove, shaded by awnings above them. Cullen leaned against a wall and sighed. Morrigan fumbled with the things in her pack. After a moment, Cullen broke the silence.

“Morrigan, where is your son?”

“Kieran is safe. He is with an old friend of mine, while I’m on this…adventure.” She said, without looking up.

“What does the Well tell you exactly?”

“It whispers…a lot. It is insistent on our plan to wake the Evanuris. It tells me it is the only way to stop Solas.”

Cullen looked skeptical, “Stop only Solas? And what does that mean when he is stopped and they are awake. Elle says the Evanuris were powerful, immortal elven mages. Solas locked them away for a reason…usually things that are locked away should stay there. I mean…Corypheus was an ancient thing locked away.”

Morrigan sighed, “Yes. I agree with you on that level. But the Evanuris aren’t corrupted Tevinter Magisters.”

“They sound like your typical Tevinter Magister. They ruled with magic and enslaved those without power.” He said matter-of-factly.

Morrigan looked up at him and glared. “You might be right. But what other plan do you have? If anything, we can only hope we coax him out of hiding by finding this eluvian. He’s corrupted all the others I know about.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The other eluvians…after the events of the Exalted Council and the failed Qunari invasion, all of the eluvians I knew about went dark. I could no longer access them. I believe them to be under Solas’s control. The Well confirms this. We suspect this eluvian that Varric’s friend restored, is not corrupted. We could gain access to the Crossroads and find Solas. And stop him. Waking the Evanuris is a bargaining chip for us Commander. I do not truly hope to do that." 

“What happens to Kieran if you don’t come back from this?” Cullen asked.

“I intend to come back from this. But since I can tell that you will insist on me answering your question, he will be fine. He is under the care of the only two people I trust in this world. He is with his biological father and a remarkable woman.”

Cullen raised his eyebrow, “His biological father? Why aren’t you two together?”

Morrigan laughed heartedly. She had to take a moment to catch her breath before she replied, “It is a complicated story during a remarkable time. He provided a service I needed, under the approval of his partner mind you, and I bore a child from it. Unfairly…I kept his child from him, thinking it would be easier on him, myself, and her. But over the last several years, my opinions have changed. Having run into him at your Skyhold, I thought it was time he met his child. I reconnected with an old friend I had lost touch with as a benefit. She was my greatest ally and now is again.”

“You two weren’t romantically involved, you and the father?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’ve met him, the Grey Warden Alistair."

Cullen nodded, “So his partner, the Hero of Ferelden, is your greatest ally?” Cullen remembered when Alistair stayed at Skyhold for a time. Leliana had sent letters to the Hero of Ferelden for him. Cullen, his curiosity getting the better of him, read one of her letters that were to Alistair. He envied him for a long time. That was until he got to know Elle better. She was able to take his mind away from his past. She was the first to make him think about his future.

Morrigan smiled, “Yes. My best friend. I thought it over after what I asked of her…but she has forgiven me. And now the pair are watching over my greatest treasure. I intend to return from this, but there is much work for us to do.”

Cullen looked away from her, “I’m glad it worked out for all of you.”

Morrigan raised her brow, “It has never been easy. To admit my faults and own up to my mistakes. But people who care for you are capable of forgiving almost anything. You just have to talk to them. You can still have your family Commander, should you wish it. If not, there are others vying to take your place.”

Cullen turned his head and stared at her wide eyed, surprised by her last words.

Morrigan shrugged, “I thought it obvious? She is a powerful, compassionate woman. What’s not to be attracted to? Especially when she is responsible for your salvation.”

Cullen got the hint. He gave a low growl, “It doesn’t matter. We can’t return to what it was before. Too much has happened.” 

Morrigan laughed, “You can never go back, only forward. Things always change, Commander. It’s time to start changing with them.”

 

* * *

 

Lavellan continued walking the streets of Lowtown, Thom at her side. They talked lightly, reminiscing in their battles, back with the Inquisition. Thom remarked how much of the time he spent in awe of her and her raw power. How graceful she was when she spun her magic, lighting up the entire battlefield with her electricity. He remarked at what a beautiful and terrifying sight it was.

“Those were some of the best days of my life, if I’m honest. Wondering the wilderness with you and the others. We didn’t always get along, but by the Maker, we were fucking good as a team in battle.” Thom smiled as he reminisced.

Lavellan smiled at the memory, “Those were both great and terrible times. I wouldn’t exchange those times in the camps for anything. The way Sera and Vivienne bickered…” she laughed.

Thom chuckled, “or when Sera would have Solas stammering, shutting his old elvish talk down.”

Lavellan looked at Thom, “Especially that. She was really good at telling him where to stuff it.”

“That girl! Or how Cole would always crawl under Iron Bull’s skin…I mean, the kid is creepy, but…”

Cole suddenly appeared in front of Thom.

“Maker’s balls!” Thom exclaimed, Cole having surprised him.

“He is happiest when he thinks of her but saddest when he sees her with another. He longs to hold her…”

“Cole, enough of that.” Thom rubbed his brow in frustration.

Cole looked at Lavellan, “There is someone following you.” He spoke low.

Thom placed his hand on his hilt, “Where?”

“Pretending to browse trinkets just behind you. She’s been watching, waiting…”

Lavellan placed her hand on Thom’s, “Let’s keep moving.”

The continued walking down the street, turning into an alleyway, trying to act casual. They eventually ended up in the Alienage. A large tree stood before them, it barren from leaves. It looked to be dying. They looked around and saw no one walking about. It appeared to be empty. 

“They weren’t exaggerating. It’s empty here.” Thom remarked.

TING! Lavellan spun around to see Cole, his blades locked with another’s. It was the cleric she saw earlier, with the scar across her cheek. She spun around Cole and lunged at Lavellan. Before she could react, Thom stepped in front of her, swinging his sword from his belt and blocking the cleric from her attack. The cleric did several back flips, getting distance from Thom and Cole. She put two fingers in her mouth, letting out a loud whistle.

“More are coming,” Cole said simply. He renewed his attacks on the cleric, distracting her.

Thom looked back at Lavellan, “Are you alright?”

She nodded and casted barrier around Thom. Bolts of electricity danced between her finger tips as she built up power.

Pppfft!

Lavellan felt her shoulder get pushed back. She then felt pain. She looked down and saw an arrow sticking out of it.

“Where did that come from?” Thom yelled. He scanned the roof tops, looking for the source, placing his body closer to Lavellan, in attempts to shield her.

The cleric managed to escape Cole’s aggression. She quickly bolted towards Lavellan, her knives raised, ready to strike. Lavellan let out a bolt. As the energy travelled through her, it aggravated the pain in her shoulder. The bolt momentarily paralyzed the cleric, long enough for Thom to run her through with his sword.

“Stay behind me!” He yelled at Lavellan. She ran to him, positioning her body close to his. Her eyes scanned their surroundings. She still didn’t see anyone else.

Ppppfft! Pppffft! More arrows sailed past them. Lavellan’s barrier worked for the time being.

“There!” Cole pointed with one of his daggers. There were two archers standing behind crates. Lavellan immediately cast Chain Lighting, striking both archers. Thom took the opportunity to pull out his grappling hook. He pulled one of them to him and drove his sword into the man’s neck. Cole attacked the other man who was still convulsing from Lavellan’s spell.

“Leave him alive!” Thom yelled at Cole.

Cole sliced the man’s leg, making him drop to his knees. He then disarmed the man. Tossing his weapons aside. Thom and Lavellan approached. As she did, she yanked the arrow from her shoulder, blood began to pour from her wound.

“Fuck!” She yelled.

“Cole, hold him for a while yet,” Thom turned to Lavellan, ripped off a piece of his shirt from under his cloak. He began to wrap it around her shoulder. He pressed firmly against her wound. She grimaced. His hands worked quickly to tie the fabric around her. He looked into her eyes, “When we have more time, we’ll have to properly treat this.”

She smiled, “I can with a little magic and some elfroot. I’ll be fine. No need to fuss.”

“How is she?” He asked her, looking at her belly.

“She’s fine. Let us ask this man what he is doing here.” She pulled away from Thom’s hand that still pressed against her shoulder. She walked past him and knelt down in front of the man. He looked like no one special. He wore regular clothes and bore no sigil or markings that he had a mercenary employer.

“What are you doing here?” Lavellan asked him.

“L-look…I was just doing a job..please don’t kill me.” He pleaded.

Lavellan sighed, “Just tell me what you are doing here.”

“I had a tip…that a blood mage was here. She was an agent of Fen’Harel and sought to finish what Corypheus started. I was told to look out for a pregnant elf. Well…you are the only elf around these days and the only pregnant woman I’ve seen lately.”

Lavellan looked at Thom, her “fuck” expression mirrored his. She looked back at the man, “Who hired you?”

“Well…no one particularly. I’m just doing a favor for a friend.”

Thom shook his head, “Andraste’s tits, who is your friend then?”

“R-red Jenny! We were told to do this job and we save the world! Plus get some stash in the process.”

Lavellan’s heart sank. She was betrayed. She looked at Thom. She could see from his expression that he was in shock. He didn’t want to believe what he was hearing.

“Will you let me go?” The man pleaded.

“Yes,” Lavellan said, “But we are keeping your weapons. You tell your friends, they have no reason to fear me. I’m not the enemy.”

Lavellan stood and backed away from the man. He scrambled to his feet and limped away from them as fast as he could. Lavellan turned to face Thom. She could see he struggled with his emotions.

“Sera…”He said, disbelieving.

“It makes sense. She hasn’t approached me since all this happened. I’m a blood mage, I led to Cassandra’s death…she thinks I’m a danger, and I don’t really blame her.” Lavellan stated.

Thom shook his head, “I didn’t think…I don’t know.” He placed his hands on Lavellan’s shoulders and stared darkly into her eyes, “we don’t turn on our friends, no matter how low they fall. You taught me that. I’ll not turn from you now.”

“We should tell Cullen…”

Thom sighed, “We probably should…but, can I talk to her first? I want to give her a chance.”

“She’ll just try to have me killed again. She will never forgive me for what I’ve become, Thom. But…she is your friend. Do what you feel it best. I won’t say anything. I trust you.”

Thom nodded, amazed at how calm Lavellan was. She was cool, detached. She expected Sera to turn on her. Did she expect the same from him? He wanted her to know how much he cared about her. But he didn’t know how to do that. So instead of talking, he pulled her into him, pressing his hand gently against the back of her head, leading him into his chest. She didn’t resist. She didn’t pull back from him. Instead, he felt her arms wrap around him, pressing against his shoulder blades. He felt as she dug her fingers into his back, pressing him harder into their embrace. After a moment, she pulled back from him, looking away, blushing.

Thom cleared his throat, “Yes, uhm…”

Lavellan chuckled, “Thom? Can we find somewhere to rest? Baby is making me tired from lugging her around.”

Thom smiled, “I think we can find some abandoned building around here.”

She looked wryly at him, “No funny business.”

“My lady, you’ll find nothing funny about me.”

“Pulling, pressing, pulsing…her smell is electrifying. He wishes to to…”

“Cole! Maker’s breath, that’s enough.” Thom rubbed his brow with two fingers, attempting to hide his embarrassment.

Lavellan smiled, “Let’s find a place to sit down for awhile…and figure out what to do about these Red Jennies who want me dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the many typos that plague this work, I'm sure. I will eventually clean them up. Thanks for stopping by!


	16. Fickle Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party meets with Varric who gives them direction on where they need to head. 
> 
> Lavellan struggles with her many conflicting emotions.

Under the dark shadow of the night, in the bowels of Kirkwall, Cullen, Thom, Sera, Morrigan, Dorian, and Cole met with Varric in an empty warehouse in Darktown. Varric handed Cullen a folded piece of parchment and a sealed envelope.

“You tell Daisy hello for me.” Varric smiled.

“Is this envelope for her?” Cullen asked.

“Yeah. It’s so she knows you are with me. I’ve tried getting Leliana’s Little Birds to her, but she has been unsuccessful in making contact. Apparently Daisy’s clan have been on the constant move. Probably having to deal with all this Chantry business. The letter also sums up why you are looking for her and her mirror.”

“What is happening in your own city dwarf?” Morrigan asked coolly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Bah, you know. Templars going crazy…seems to be a thing in this town.” He looked at Cullen, “You need to leave before first light tomorrow. The Templars are mobilizing and will be working with my guard to detain any elves within the city.”

Sera snorted, “Wot?”

Varric faced Sera, “A New Exalted March.” Varric sighed, “They are to go through the entire city. Any elf found will be detained and sent to the gallows for holding. If they resist, they have orders to kill. They are desperate to find Ellana. Who by the way…is very large and hard to miss. I was surprised by her condition when I helped her find your accommodations for the evening.” Varric turned to Cullen and gave him an approving jab in his leg, “Way to go old man. Congratulations and all that, although you picked a real shitty time to bring a kid into this world.”

Cullen rolled his eyes, “Quite.”

“Calm down Curly, I see this fatherhood business has you even more uptight. Didn’t think that possible.”

“Thanks for the help Varric. I know it must have been difficult to get away from your duties.” Said Thom.

Varric waved his hand dismissively, “Bah, they think I’m on my undercover jaunt at the Hanged Man. I do that from time to time, to try and still be apart of the people. I’d invite you to join me, but…that would raise some eyebrows. Anyway, I cannot linger much longer. That parchment is a map of the usual route Daisy’s clan travels. I wish I could tell you where she was. I hope she is okay.”

“I’m sure she is fine. Seems to be only cities right now that are under scrutiny, at least, that is what Leliana has heard.” Cullen said.

Varric rubbed his brow with his fingers, “It will only be a matter of time before they scour the wilds for the Dalish…”

“If they even remain.” Morrigan interrupted. “Hopefully Fen’Harel hasn’t already turned this Daisy against our purpose. That we are not too late.”

“Not all want to join him,” Cole said, “They are scared of the Dread Wolf…generations of teachings have taught them to be scared.”

“Let’s hope that is the case.” Morrigan said plainly.

“Now, your quarters for the evening are in a warehouse close to the exit of Kirkwall. Here is a map for each of you. Do not travel there together. Make your arrival sparse. Travel one at a time.” Varric handed each of them a small piece of paper, with crude drawings Kirkwall. “Ellana is there already, getting what looks to be much needed rest.” A concerning look spread across his face, “She looks like she can have that child soon. She shouldn’t be travelling…and certainly shouldn’t be headed into any kind of battle.”

Morrigan interjected, “Where should she go, dwarf? She’s being hunted. Besides…we need her mark.”

Varric scoffed, “Mark? The anchor is gone.”

“It’s still a part of her. It’s magic is ingrained into her flesh, her being. She is the only one that wields the power we need to wake the Evanuris.” 

“Things just keep getting crazier.” Varric shook his head and began to walk away, “I hope you all know what you’re doing.”

 

* * *

 

Demon’s chased her. Tendrils came out of the ground and wrapped around her, slithering over her flesh. Lavellan used her chain lightning to burn the demon flesh from her, freeing herself from their grasp.

_[Fear demon] You cannot run…_

She pumped her arms, her lungs burned for breath. Her legs felt as though chains were pulling them down to the ground. She ran…but her body didn’t move forward. Her feet couldn’t find purchase on the ground.

_[Fear demon]Let me in…_

Lavellan screamed, pumping bolts from her hand, illuminating the nothingness around her. Suddenly, a strong flash of light blinded her, a thundering boomed across the empty sky. She felt a gentle touch against her shoulder as a familiar voice spoke.

“Ma Vhenan, you are OK. It isn’t real.”

The light faded. She stood in darkness, in emptiness. Solas stood in front of her, his hands placed on her shoulders. He looked at her with a sad smile. She stepped away from him. He hands brushed against her abdomen. She looked down, there was nothing there.

_I must be dreaming…_

“You are dreaming vhenan.” Solas assured her.

She looked at him, confused. “Why…how did you find me?”

“I felt your pain. It pulled at me, distracted me from my duties.” He stepped closer to her. “Ir abelas…”

“I don’t want your apologies. I want you to stop this madness.” She stepped forward to him. She stood tall, determined to stand her ground and not crumble before him like she did the last time. As she gazed upon his concerned face, feeling she had buried deep within her began to crawl their way to the surface. She realized how much she had missed him. “I’m glad you are here, Solas.”

Solas balked at her words, surprised. Lavellan stepped closer to him. With one hand she ran up his arm to his shoulder, playing with the fur of the wolf pelt that crossed it. She struggled within herself again. Mixed emotions ran through her. She chided herself internally for her fickleness but she couldn’t deny that she _was glad_ he was there.

“Come with me.” His eyes met her gaze.

She shook her head, “I can’t. You can’t do whatever you’re doing. Our friends want to take drastic action to stop you. I want you to join us, in this world. Live out your life here, with these people. How can I convince you that this world is worth saving?”

Solas looked puzzled, “Why? Why do you insist that this world is better? I cannot make sense of it. These are not your people.”

Lavellan was silent. She didn’t know how to respond. The words he spoke to her made sense and that horrified her.

_Why? They have all turned against me…so what is there that I would want to keep?_

Her hand travelled to her flat abdomen.

_Because I have to believe there is hope…as long as she is here, there has to be a future for her._

Solas placed his hands on her waist, “I see. The promise of a future that a child represents.” His thumbs played with the hem of her shirt.

“Solas…” Lavellan started to speak but Solas interrupted her with a fervent kiss. Lavellan pulled pack immediately, her eyes dark. “We can’t do this,” she insisted. He seemed to ignore her as his hands travelled from her hips, feeling the curve of her waist, the curve of her breasts, the smoothness of her neck.

“We cannot be together there…if it cannot be…”He whispered to her.

Lavellan interrupted, her voice stern, “You told me it couldn’t be, remember?”

Solas ran his hands into her dark tresses, bringing her hair to his nose. He breathed in deeply, her scent intoxicated him. “You called me to you Vhenan. I couldn’t resist any longer. I have tried to be strong…to focus on what I must do, but tonight, this moment, I want to forsake it, if it means I can have you.”

“No.” She said coldly.

Solas released her hair from his fingers. His eyes were dark. She could see the fire in them. They burned with desire for her. His hand gripped her wrist tightly and yanked her closer to him. They stood, chest to chest, his nose and mouth centimeters from her face. His breath was heavy, hot. Her chest heaved into his. She was shaking, frightened of his demeanor. He had always been gentle, serene, when he was with her in the past. This feral behavior he now exhibited, frightened her…and excited her.

“I said no.” Her voice shook. She said it more to convince herself than to convince him.

“I can smell your arousal vhenan. I know you ache for me.” He smiled wryly, baring his teeth.

“I can’t do this…” she breathed. Her breaths were becoming more labored, as she fought her urge to give in to him.

He placed his hands on her hips, tugging at the fabric of her shirt, “Let me give you this small comfort,” he leant in and kissed her. She kissed him back, forcing her tongue between his parted lips. His hands guided her hips into his. He began to slowly lift her shirt off her, his soft hands grazed her olive skin.

_I shouldn’t be doing this…_

After he removed her shirt, he assaulted her neck with kisses, his animalistic nature took over him. He caressed his lips against her flesh, leaving a trail as he bent down. He sucked at her nipple, tugging her breast with his teeth. He kissed and nipped as he travelled further down, kneeling before her. His hands rubbed down the fabric of her pants, curving around to feel the heat of her inner thighs as he kissed her stomach.

_I need to tell him to stop. This isn’t right. Cullen…_

“S-stop…” the words barely escaped her lips.

He unbuttoned her pants, her words had not convinced him that she truly wanted him to stop. He pulled her pants from her, her sex being revealed to him. He stood up and stepped back, reveling in her vulnerable beauty.

_Fuck it._

Lavellan held her hands away from her naked body. She snapped her fingers. Chain lightning left her hands and struck Solas. The bolts of lightning travelled over him, burning off his clothes. Blackened fabric fell from him, revealing his body to her. He laughed heartedly, amused by her game. With the guide of his hand, he used the fade to pull her to him, into an embrace.

_Just once…a moment of peace in the arms of one who loves me…even if…_

She wrapped a leg around him, he held it up with his hand as he tilted her hips against him. She kissed him, wanting him to be with her, wishing this wasn’t just a dream. She felt her body light up at his touch. Her fingers sparked with electricity as they travelled all over his bare body. He let out a guttural growl at her touch. He lifted her onto him, supporting her weight with his lithe arms.

“I want you…” She breathed into him.

“And so you shall have me Vhenan.” He said darkly.

_Even if…_

He entered her, her walls were tight, warm, wet. He pumped into her slow at first. She used her body weight and humped against him, pressing him deeper into her. She circled her hips, rubbing her clit against him. He released his grip from her legs, not needing to support her. They floated in the nothingness around them, just the two of them existed. Grinding against each other, inhaling in each other’s breaths, tasting one another. He placed one hand on her bare back, pulling her chest to his face and rubbed her against him. He began to thrust harder and deeper into her, moaning into her breasts. He took his other hand and slid it between them, using the pad of his thumb to rub against her clit. She began to breath heavy and moan.

_…even if I…._

“Solas! Yes!” She renewed her effort to bounce on top of him. Her breasts bounced beautifully against his face. He felt her coming close as her body grew rigid as he rubbed her clit and thrust his cock in and out of her.

“Release Vhenan, let go,” He whispered to her, “Ar lath ma.”

“Solas!” She came, feeling the sweet release traverse her body, shaking her whole being. 

_Even if I don’t love him back._

 

* * *

 

“Solas!” Lavellan cried out. Her hand was down in her pants, fingering herself. She felt her wet about her fingers. Her eyes opened suddenly, she panted for breath. Her forehead felt hot and her face flush. She felt her body press against the floor underneath her. A stark difference from being weightless in the fade. She saw a faint candle light out of the corner of her eye. She sat up and met Thom’s gaze, pulling her hand from her crotch. He sat down by the door, a candle on the floor next to him.

“Thom!” She yelped. A lump formed in her throat.

_How long had he been there?_

Thom stared at her, his face flushed, embarrassed. He looked away from her and cleared her throat, “I’m sorry, my lady, to have frightened you.”

She put her head in her hands and groaned, “How much did you see?”

He cleared his throat again. He didn’t answer.

“Fuck, ir abelas.” She looked up, panic rising in her, “where are the others?”

“They aren’t here yet. I’m first to arrive. I just came in…and heard you screaming. I thought…well, I found you sleeping.”

“Thom…this is so embarrassing.” She pulled her hair in frustration.

“You called…for Solas.” There was an accusation in his tone.

Lavellan went onto her hands and knees and quickly crawled over to Thom. She grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him close to her face. Their noses brushed against one another's. She spoke low, but tersely, “I know what you must be thinking, but I will make myself very clear. I just had an…an arousing dream…Solas happened to be apart of it. But I’m not, nor will I ever be, working for him or with him.” She released Thom from her grip and sat back, sighing a heavy sigh. “I’m so glad you are the one that caught me.”

Thom gulped hard and straightened his collar. He managed to finally meet her gaze, “Well, you don’t make yourself sound less suspicious by saying that I ‘caught’ you doing something.”

Lavellan laughed, pushing her dark hair from her face, “Very true. I’m serious though Thom. If it were anyone else, who knows how they would have taken it. I at least trust that you still trust me,” a flash of doubt crossed her mind, “you do trust me, right?”

Thom sighed, “I do.” After a moment he said, “Maker…you don’t know what you do to a man. I think I need to leave and come back. The cold air will do me some good. Pardon me, my lady.” Thom stood, dusted himself off and walked towards the door.

Lavellan stood on her feet quickly. She ran to Thom and grabbed the crook of his harm, squeezing her hand on the fabric of his shirt. He turned to face her, “Thom…please don’t leave me.”

_What am I doing? Let him go…_

She continued, “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

“You’re not alone. We are here…”

“That’s not what I meant…” She paused. _What do I mean? Stop being so fickle. You’re just lonely._ “What I meant…is that I need you stay with me, until everyone is here. I like your company Thom. You have been a great comfort.”

Thom turned to face her. He placed his hand on her cheek, stroking her smooth skin with his calloused thumb. She found the roughness of his skin comforting. “Ellana. I’ll be close by. Don’t you worry.”

After a moment, he took his hand away. The silence stretched between them.

“I uh…” He started, not sure what to say. He felt so very awkward.

“Thom, have you talked to Sera? Or Cullen? Or anyone about the Red Jenny attack?”

Thom sighed, “We are leaving at first light tomorrow. I promise, I’ll discuss it with Sera.”

The door creaked open, Dorian walked in. His face lit up at seeing Lavellan, but he raised a curious eyebrow at how close Thom and she were standing.

“Am I interrupting?” Dorian asked awkwardly as he walked over to the two of them.

“Only interrupting a moment of quiet before you showed up,” Lavellan teased.

Dorian leaned his face in close to hers, his lips brushed against her ear, “Oh you missed me, admit it.” He walked past her and looked around their surroundings with a hand on his hip. His face twisted in disgust, “Varric certainly has no sense in taste. I was hoping for a soft bed after weeks of camping. Well, I guess we better get comfortable on the floor.”

Sera was next to walk in. She glared at Lavellan as she walked to a corner of the room. Lavellan nodded in her direction. It took everything she had in her not to confront Sera directly. Thom exhaled slowly, feeling the tension rising in the room. Sera curled up in the corner, unpacking a sleeping role she had in her pack.

Lavellan turned away and walked over to where Dorian stood, staring at her, an eyebrow cocked.

“What?” She hissed. She pulled her sleeping roll over towards Dorian. He pulled his out and unrolled it next to hers. They laid down together, Morrigan was next to come into the room as they did.

“Mages over there!” Sera shouted, pointing towards Lavellan and Dorian without looking up from her position.

Morrigan snorted and walked to another corner of the room and made a place for her to rest.

Dorian laid on his side, leaning on his elbow. He faced Levallan, looking concerned, “What _is_ going on?”

She laughed, “What are you talking about?”

They spoke low so only each other could hear, “With you, Thom, and Sera. I could taste the tension it was so thick, when she came in.”

Lavellan lowered her eyes, “It’s nothing. She’s just…having a hard time with what I’ve done.”

“Honey, we all are. I’m sure you most of all.” He rested his hand on her shoulder.

“Dorian?” She looked at him, “What do you think of me, now?” She worried at what his answer would be.

He stared at her for a long while. While he thought on his answer, Cullen entered the room, Cole following close behind. Lavellan’s back was turned to him, but she could hear him enter. She heard his heavy steps across the dirt floor, weary from their travels. She watched as Dorian’s gaze followed Cullen across the room. Taking up residence at the remaining vacant corner. Dorian gazed back at Lavellan. He smiled warmly.

“I still think you’re my best friend. You’ve done a terrible thing, but were fortunate that someone who loved you, risked it all to save you.”

“That’s not how he views it. He said when he was faced with a choice, he didn’t choose me. He told me that he couldn’t have me…or wouldn’t…I don’t remember which.”

“Ellie, give him time. He still cares for you. I still care for you, even though you are now a dastardly blood mage.”

She punched his shoulder, “Fuck off. That’s not funny.”

“You would fit right in, in Tevinter. Except the whole _elf_ thing.” He gestured to her whole look.

“You are terrible at comforting me.” She said exasperated.

“Looked like Thom was doing a good job of it.” Dorian teased.

Lavellan blushed and dropped her eyes from Dorian’s stare.

“What’s this?” He laughed quietly, “Don’t you dare tell me that there is something going on between you.”

She shook her head violently, “Of course not!”

Dorian cocked an eyebrow, “That’s not what it looked like when I came in. Good thing it was me and not your commander. He would have ripped Thom apart.”

“No he wouldn’t. Dorian, I told you. Cullen wants nothing to do with me anymore. Duty compels him now.”

“Does it?” Dorian turned over onto his back. He turned his head to the side, still speaking low, “Be careful playing with men’s hearts. I know you have no mal-intent, but all the same…you’re a fool if you cannot see where this path would lead you. Now’s not the _time_.”

Lavellan rested her head down, still on her side. Her hand rested on her belly.

 _He’s right._ _You’re being foolish._

Lavellan turned to her other side, awkwardly, turning her back on Dorian. She looked in front of her, her gaze fell upon Thom who was staring at her. He lay in the middle of the room. She smiled warmly at him. He smiled back, giving her a slight nod.

She lay there, awake, and watched Thom fall asleep. Once his eyes were closed, she looked past him. Cullen was just beyond Thom, in the corner opposite of her. He lay on his side, facing her. She could see from the dim moonlight coming through a small window, that his eyes were still open. He stared at her, his brow furrowed. She crinkled her face in anger and stared at Cullen defiantly. She then turned over, turning her back on him.

 _Fuck him_.


	17. The Trouble with Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions have not eased among friends.
> 
> Lavellan's party finally reach the Dalish camp, but it's not what they expected.

The party had left at first light, as Varric had instructed them. With the warehouse they slept in being on the border of Kirkwall, they were able to walk out of the city without being seen. They walked silently along a dirt road, leading towards the forests near the base of Sundermount Mountain. Thom walked beside Sera. They pulled up the rear of the party. They talked lightly about their surroundings, the good weather, and the bad ale at the Hanged Man. Sera confessed she was suffering from a terrible hangover. Thom slowed his pace over the course of the hour, Sera keeping with him. Once Thom felt that he had enough distance between him and the rest of the group, he confronted her.

“So, we know you tipped off your Red Jennies to assassinate Lavellan.” He said coldly.

Sera turned her head to face him, her eyes wide, “Wot?”

“Sera, how could you do that to us?” He demanded.

She just sneered, “Us? What us? It was to _her_. She’s not right in the head anymore Thom. First chance she gets to screw us over, she’ll take it. It will happen as soon as that Solas ass shows his penis head.”

“Sera, I’m giving you this chance to walk away.” He said between clenched teeth. “I haven’t told the others because I fear what Cullen would do to you. I get that you are hurt and confused. But you cannot kill Lavellan. We need her. So this is your chance to walk away.”

She glared at him, “Or what? You will strike me down?”

Thom looked at her, saying nothing.

Sera stopped walking, she clenched her teeth in anger. “You know what I think? I think I’m the only one that makes a lick of sense among all of you. I see a threat and I want to take it out, to avoid further pain. But you have your hand so tightly wrapped around your pecker for her, that you can’t see what a danger she is.”

Thom grimaced. He placed his hand on the hilt of his sword, “Last chance Sera.”

“Let me tell you something,” She pointed an accusing finger at him, “You are a good but stupid, stupid man. Everyone can see how you look at her, especially since Mr. Jackboot himself spurned her. A woman like her, will only break your heart.” Sera dropped her finger. Her upper lip began to quiver as she tried her best to hold back tears. “I hope for your sake Thom, that she is what you believe she is. I hope that I’m wrong. But you are right about one thing, I don’t belong here anymore.”

Thom released his grip from his sword. His face softened as he watched Sera struggle with her feelings. He pitied his friend. “Sera…” he stepped forward, reaching out for her.

She moved away from him and hissed, “You better be friggin' right Thom! No one else better fucking die because of her!”

“We will end this madness. I swear to you.”

“You better crush Solas. That freakin' twerp needs to squirm under your boot!”

Thom smiled a little smile, “Sera, take care of yourself. Stay away from the cities. You heard Varric.”

Sera sighed, “Yeah…looking like an elf hasn’t brought me one benefit in this world. I’ll steer clear from any robes or shiny suits.”

Thom held out his hand, “Your crystals.”

Sera grudgingly dug into her pockets and pulled out the shard of Dorian’s crystal and her sending crystal that linked to Leliana. She threw them at him.

“Goodbye,” Thom said somberly.

“Yeah yeah…” Sera began to walk away. She looked back behind her and watched the party get further away from her. None of them had noticed that Sera and Thom had stopped. She looked back at Thom one last time, “I’ll be seeing ya.” She turned and walked back towards Kirkwall.

Thom watched her for awhile. Part of him regretted having to send her away. For her to be alone in a time there were Templars and city guards were rounding up elves. Part of him watched her, to make sure she didn’t turn around and try to loose an arrow into any one of them. She just walked away from them, and didn’t look back.

“She is sad, broken…she misses her friend.” Cole appeared beside Thom.

“When did you…”Thom started to say, surprised.

“So much pain. I can make her forget, but…she wouldn’t want me to.”

“Cole…” Thom hesitated, hating himself for what he was about to ask him, “Cole, do you think that Ellana will betray us? That we are really just working on reuniting her and Solas?”

Cole looked at Thom, “Soaring, swirling thoughts boil to her surface. She struggles with her past, present, and an idea of what could be. His song reminds her of history, her blood, how the world sees her. The other him reminds her that she is more than a pair of ears, that she can feel like a person. Your song excites her and makes her forget her pain, gives her hope that someone could still care.”

Thom sighed, “You didn’t really answer my question.”

“She struggles. Going between hate and fear to love and hope.”

“Does she still care for Solas?” Thom’s mouth went dry, nervous as to what the answer to his question could be.

“She does, but doesn’t love him any longer, and that makes him sad yet happy. It frees him from guilt.”

Thom began walking back towards the group ahead of him, quickening his pace to close the distance between them. Cole followed.

“Do you think we can convince Solas to stop whatever he plans to do?” Thom asked.

Cole said simply, “No.”

Ahead of them, the rest of the party had stopped. They watched Thom and Cole walk up to them. Cullen looked at them, confused. His eyes darted from Thom to Cole.

“What’s going on? Where’s Sera?” Cullen asked.

“She feels lost and confused…fear and anger drove her to her friends. They tried to end this madness by ending her.” Cole said unhelpfully.

Cullen ignored Cole and stared at Thom, waiting for an answer.

“Sera had to leave.” Thom said simply.

“What? Why? Where does she think she will go, she can’t go back to the city. Besides, Leliana relies on her network for information and help. We need her with us.” Cullen raised an eyebrow at Thom, “Why would she need to leave?”

Lavellan spoke up, “She had her friends try and assassinate me.”

Cullen faced Lavellan, his confused expression disappeared. He seemed unsurprised. “You’re sure about that?”

Lavellan nodded, “We were attacked, Thom, myself, and Cole, back in Kirkwall. We killed two of them and then questioned the third. He told us he was a friend of Red Jenny and my whereabouts were leaked.”

“Fuck,” Cullen sighed. He rubbed his face with his hands. “What is happening, here?” He let out a growl of frustration.

“Ir abelas,” Lavellan apologized, feeling responsible for their current predicament.

Culled faced Thom, “Do you really think she won’t be back? To finish the job?” Cullen’s tone changed from questioning to accusatory, “How could you let her go? It’s a huge risk to let her…”

Thom interjected, “I’m not killing a friend, Cullen! We are in shit storm! We haven’t left it since Corypheus. Unlike _you_ , the rest of us have been fighting this the past two years.”

Cullen got into Thom’s face, his anger taking over, “You risk _her_ by letting Sera go. She has a powerful network of nobodies to do whatever she wants them to do. We can’t risk Elle’s life, not when we are so close to our goal.”

“And what are we doing exactly?” Thom raised his hands, shrugging his shoulders, “We keep telling ourselves we are going to stop Solas…that we can somehow change his mind! But as we get closer, it seems we are chasing a fool’s dream. We can’t change his mind. He’s been dreaming, literally, for a thousand years to bring his world back. His mind is set.” Thom walked away from Cullen.

Cullen wouldn’t have it, he rushed Thom and pushed him, knocking him down to his knees, “So we just give up?” He growled between clenched teeth. Cullen’s jealousy surfaced and manifested into his aggression.

“Oh shit,” Dorian commented.

“What do you suggest we do, Thom? Walk away? Return to our lives before and wait for the world to end? Go back to saving no-bodies and pretending that you are better than you actually are? That you aren’t some broken old man, living a lie, hoping that he can die pretending he was someone worthwhile instead of the crooked shape of person he actually is.” Cullen stared down at Thom, who just started to rise from his knees. He spat, “What kind of man continually lives in another man’s shadow, pretending what is mine, is actually _his_.”

“Stop!” Lavellan interjected.

Thom spun around and pushed Cullen. Cullen stumbled backwards a couple of feet, dirt kicking up from his boots. He doubled down on Thom, grabbing his cloak and shaking him back. They grappled with one another, their feet shuffling against the ground, grunts escaping them as they struggled to get the upper hand on one another.

“Stop this NOW!” Lavellan ran and put her hands on Cullen’s arm, attempting to pull him from Thom. Cullen pushed her back from him. She stumbled backwards, the weight of her belly throwing off her balance. Dorian rushed up to meet her. He caught her in his arms, preventing her from falling.

Thom, enraged by Cullen’s action, pushed him back hard. He kicked his knee, causing Cullen to stumble, then he swung an upper cut with his right fist, connecting against Cullen’s left cheek, leaving a red gash. Cullen recovered quickly and lunged at Thom, knocking him to the ground. A cloud of dirt billowed up around them as they scrapped.

“I said stop!” Lavellan began to charge her mana, electricity pulsed from her fingertips. She raised her hand and shot a bolt at Cullen and Thom.

Cullen reacted quickly. He clapped his hands together and sent a shockwave of light and energy. Everyone was pushed back, Lavellan was knocked down. Her mana was drained. Cullen turned his attention back on Thom. He had him pinned against the ground, one hand wrapped tightly around the fabric of Thom’s cloak, bunched up at his throat. Cullen’s other hand was raised above Thom’s face. A blade of light formed around Cullen’s raised fist.

“Cullen, what did you do?” Thom gasped, shocked by Cullen’s power.

“Shut up!” Cullen screamed, his blade of light still threatened to strike Thom.

“Cullen…I couldn’t kill my friend. And I know you can’t either.” Thom said lowly, trying to calm Cullen. “We need to find peace with what has happened. We need to forgive one another if we are to make it through this.”

Cullen lowered his fist but he didn’t release his grip on Thom’s cloak. He bent his head low to Thom’s ear, speaking only so that he could hear, “Stay away from my _wife_.”

Thom hissed, “That’s what this is about? If you are this threatened by me, maybe you should consider that you are losing her instead of thinking that it’s me taking her away from you. I’ve done nothing other than support her.”

Cullen glared at Thom, growling behind clenched teeth. He tightened his grip around Thom’s cloak and pressed his arm against his neck, slightly. He heard Thom begin to struggle against his weight on top of him.

“No more.” Cole stood over them, the only one not affected by Cullen’s shockwave. He placed his hand on Cullen’s shoulder. Cullen felt himself calm. The rage within him quelled, ebbed away. He released his grip from Thom and stood up. Cole helped Thom to his feet as Cullen walked over to the mages, still laying in the dirt. They coughed, catching their breaths. Cullen walked past them, and continued down the dirt road silently.

“What just happened?” Dorian asked, holding his chest, recovering from Cullen’s shockwave.

Morrigan answered, “His experience in the fade has given him new powers.”

Lavellan breathed heavily, trying to recover the air that had escaped her, “He’s a Templar again?”

Morrigan answered, “No, more than a Seeker I think. I guess it remains to be seen what other powers he has.”

 

* * *

 

Lavellan walked slowly, bringing up the rear of her party. Her legs were sore, weary from days of travelling, wandering the forest in the foothills of Sundermount. She held her pregnant belly, it tightening with every step she took. They had been following Varric’s map in attempts to find the Dalish clan rumored to be in the area. Lavellan hadn't found any evidence of a Dalish clan herself. At least not along the path they had taken.

Ahead of her were Dorian and Thom, chit-chatting. In front of them was Morrigan, who gazed into the canopy above them as they walked along the forest path. Cullen was at the front, man-handling the parchment Varric had given him. He looked frustrated and confused. They were surely not on the proper path, with how long they had been wondering the wilds and had found no trace of the Dalish.

Lavellan stopped and rested against a tree. She felt as if she would burst at the seams, her belly had been steadily getting larger over the last month. Her lungs burned for more oxygen. She was more short of breath now that she was so much bigger.

“Are you OK?” Dorian walked up to her, his look was one of concern.

She nodded, breathless, “I…just needed a moment.”

“Yes, take your time. We don’t know where we are anyway.” He mused.

“Everything ok?” Thom called from ahead of them.

Dorian turned and waved, “Yes, just a break while the Commander figures out where we are!”

“I can’t make sense of Varric’s childish drawings!” Cullen yelled back at them.

“Quite, well, let us know when you do, until then, we’ll wait here.” Dorian shouted back. He turned to face Lavellan, “Need me to do anything?”

She shook her head, breathing heavily.

“Right.” He said doubtfully, “You’re not going to have that baby right now are you? Because I have to tell you, the timing would be terrible.”

She laughed, “Dorian…this baby will most likely come at the worst possible time. We are in the middle a forest, on our way to find an eluvian. I don’t think there will be time to find a mid-wife in all that. So…”

“You take the fun out of everything.” He whined.

They heard a whistle ahead of them. Dorian and Lavellan looked towards the others. Thom waved at them and then pressed a finger against his lips, telling them to be quiet. Lavellan stood straight. She looked at Cullen who pointed down a path. He mouthed the word “Tracks”. Lavellan worried about what he saw. She looked for Cole but couldn’t find him.

Dorian whispered to her, “Follow me.” She did. They made their way quietly to Thom, who looked ahead as Cullen slowly stepped down the path ahead of them.

Lavellan whispered to Thom, “What’s going on?”

Thom spoke quietly, “We’ve found recent tracks…horse tracks, and several boots.”

“Dalish don’t have…horses.” Lavellan swallowed a lump in her throat.

“Troops?” Dorian asked.

Thom nodded, “Cullen is examining the tracks more closely. Cole went ahead to scout the area. He said he heard the heavy sad song…whatever.”

Lavellan answered, “Templars.”

Dorian sighed, “This can’t be simple, can it.”

Cullen whistled at them, he then gestured for the group to follow him. They followed him down the forest path. The path was much wider. Branches were broken and bushes were trampled. Lavellan followed the tracks back and saw they came from a direction opposite of where they entered. The further along the path they travelled, the quieter the forest got. Slowly, they could hear the din of battle. Cries, clangs, shouts could be heard ahead of them. Cole appeared in front of them.

“We must hurry, they need our help!” He urged them.

“Cole, what’s going on up there?” Cullen demanded.

“The elves, they are being slaughtered by the Divine’s forces. Templars and soldiers. We must hurry!” Cold ran ahead, beckoning the rest to follow.

Cullen and Thom unsheathed their swords. Morrigan and Dorian took their staffs from their backs and armed themselves. Cullen looked at them, his eyes dark, his voice low, “Let’s move swiftly. Keep our barriers up and watch your area of effect spells. Protect the Dalish.”

They moved fast. They ran along the forest path. The cries and shouts became louder. They could see flashes of blue and orange light between the trees. They fanned out and spread themselves apart as they broke through the line of trees ahead of them. Lavellan fell behind the others, her belly tightened as she ran. She kept one hand on her belly as she ran and jumped over rocks and tree roots. Her left hand she charged her electricity, the currents flitting between her fingertips, charged and ready to strike.

She broke through the trees, coming upon a scene of battle. Many soldiers and Templars descended upon the Dalish camp. Aravels were aflame and smoking. Elven children were crying, cowering under wagons. Elven archers attacked from tree tops that surrounded the camp. In the middle of the pitched battle, was who Lavellan assumed to be the keeper and her first. Two elven mages used their powers to confine soldiers within cages made from roots, and used the wind to push back the Templars from getting too close to them. Dalish skirmishes worked hard to keep the soldiers from getting too close to their keeper, but Lavellan saw they were losing ground. She saw bodies of many Dalish, litter the ground before her. It would only be a matter of time before the Templars would get close enough to neutralize the mages. She saw Cullen, Thom, and Cole rush into the battle, flanking a group of Templars who just cut through three Dalish skirmishers.

Lavellan shot bolts of lightning, attempting to paralyze some of the soldiers. Many her bolts were deflected by a pair of Templars. They rushed the Dalish keeper and Lavellan watched as they smote her.

“Cullen, the keeper!” Lavellan shouted.

Dorian and Morrigan were busy casting barriers and healing spells among the remaining Dalish. Soldiers pulled the Dalish archers from the trees with grappling hooks. Lavellan saw Thom get the upper hand on one of those soldiers, knocking him back and then running his sword through the soldier’s armpit.

Lavellan cast chain lightning again at the Templars that approached the Keeper. The bolts of lightning zapped them, momentarily paralyzing them. Cullen rushed them, cutting down two soldiers on his warpath. Lavellan gasped as she realized her chain lightning would bounce from the Templars to Cullen. She watched as he clapped his hands together, sending a shockwave of light that boomed across the battle field. It did not discriminate. It knocked down the Templars and Mages. She watched Cullen exercise his new abilities. He pushed his hands out in front of him, with clenched fists. The Templars writhed, rolling on the ground, crying out in pain. To Lavellan, it looked like Cullen was controlling them with blood magic. But she remembered Cassandra having told her about a Seeker ability to control the Lyrium in a person’s body. As the two Templars writhed on the ground, Cullen turned his attention to the other Templars on the field while Cole flitted into the scene and delicately killed the writhing Templars with his daggers.

Lavellan worked on getting closer to the keeper, zapping any soldier that got too close to her. Several were set aflame by Dorian’s staff. She looked behind her and saw Dorian at her back, helping her forge a path ahead.

Lavellan made it to the keeper. She put up a barrier around them and then helped the keeper and her first to their feet.

“Mas serranas.” Said the keeper.

“Can you fight?” Lavellan asked her urgently.

The keeper nodded, “I think so. I haven’t battled in a long time, I’m a bit rusty. They took us by surprise.” She looked Lavellan up and down and then said, “Can _you_ fight da’len?”

“Barely,” Lavellan turned her attention back to the battle. She charged the barrier around her. “Are you Daisy?”

The keeper’s face looked surprised, “Yes…well my name is Merrill. How did you hear that name?”

“Varric sent us! Please stay within the barrier, we need you alive!” Lavellan shouted to her. She used her mana to keep the barrier up, its walls rised above them, forming a cage. Several soldiers attempted to cross the barrier, but it prevented them. A Templar rushed the barrier, about to dispel the area but Cullen stopped him, ramming his fist into the Templar, punching through is armor. When Cullen’s hand retracted, Levallan could see a light surrounding his fist, in the shape of a blade. Cullen looked at her briefly. His eyes lingered upon hers.

_Cullen…_

Soldiers swarmed her barrier, banging their swords upon it. Cullen worked quickly to neutralize the Templars, preventing them from dispelling her barrier. Lavellan could see Thom fighting through the remaining soldiers, taking them down quickly. The remaining Dalish worked along side Cullen, Thom, and Cole to dispatch the remaining soldiers.

Lavellan looked beyond them to Dorian and Morrigan who stood near the camp’s edge. They looked relieved that the battle seemed to be over. Lavellan began to relax her barrier until something caught her attention. She saw Dorian lurch back and fall to the ground. A rogue pulled his knife from Dorian’s side and began to run towards them. A dozen more soldiers broke through the tree line and descended upon them.

“DORIAN!” Lavellan screamed, her wail screeched across the battlefield. Her body pulsed with energy.

“Keep your barrier up!” Cullen shouted and then charged with Thom, Cole and the remaining Dalish, at the new forces that threatened them.

_Dorian! Creators, please…no…_


	18. Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan's party battles against Templar forces in order to save what they can of the Dalish clan.

Energy emanated from Lavellan, pulsing like a heartbeat. She struggled to keep her barrier up, her mana drained from her. She gritted her teeth as she worked harder to maintain her barrier. She felt cramping in her belly as the muscles tightened, pulling at her belly button.

“Da’len, I can help.” Merrill approached her, resting her hand on her shoulder. With her other hand she began fueling the barrier, taking some of the stress off of Lavellan. Merrill looked to her first, “Da’len! Cast Nature’s Vengeance!”

“Can I cast within the barrier?” Merrill’s first asked, her voice shaking.

Lavellan and Merrill both shouted, “YES!”

The invading Templar troops rushed towards them. Cullen led the remaining Dalish warriors and his party. He couldn’t use his shockwave ability, without affecting Lavellan’s barrier. So he focused on disabling Templars by boiling the Lyrium within their blood. Once he had them disabled, Cole would take the killing blows. Ahead of him, he saw thorny roots rise from the ground, entangling several soldiers within them. The roots enclosed around the men, circling around them, tightening their grip until the roots completely crushed the men contained within them. But it wasn’t enough.

“There’s more coming!” Morrigan shouted. She shapeshifted into a large bear and ran towards the edge of the camp. Several dozen troops broke through the trees. They were outnumbered.

“Where are they coming from?” Merrill gasped.

Lavellan’s energy around her pulsed brighter. Merrill could feel vibrations coming from her.

“Da’len! What is that?” Merrill asked Lavellan.

Lavellan grunted between her clenched teeth, still struggling to keep her strength to hold the barrier with Merrill, “I don’t know!”

They watched as more soldiers pressed their allies against the barrier. Thom and Cullen fought aggressively against this new wave of enemy forces, but Lavellan could see they wouldn’t be able to outlast the new wave. Morrigan barreled through half a dozen men in her bear form, mauling and ravaging their bodies as she passed by. Merrill’s first attempted to provide support to Lavellan’s party, casting Rock Fist and Winter’s Grasp on as many as she could. Much of her magic had little effect.

“It’s not working!” She cried.

“That’s because many of them have built up their magic resistance!” Merrill shouted.

“What do I do?” She asked, panicked.

“Focus on using buff’s to strengthen our allies!” Merrill directed.

Lavellan groaned, her belly ached, her legs shook. Drained of energy, she fell to her knees, “I can’t keep holding this barrier!”

“Da’len, I can hold it!” Merrill shouted.

Lavellan released her hold on the barrier. She glanced to where Dorian lay. He hadn’t moved.

 _Dorian! Hold on!_  

Lavellan watched as Cullen and Thom, surrounded, fought against the horde upon them. They were pinned, their backs against the barrier wall. Cullen was barely keeping up at thwarting the Templars from dispelling the area. They wouldn’t last much longer.

“We need to take the barrier down!” Lavellan shouted.

“What?” Merrill replied, surprised by the suggestion.

“We need to take it down! It’s pinning our people! We take it down and _run_. Cullen can then use his shockwave to disable the remaining forces. We just have to get far enough away or we won’t be able to cast our spells.”

Merrill nodded. She looked to her first, “Did you hear that Da’len?”

Her first nodded, “Run when the barrier drops.”

“Ready?” Merrill asked.

“Do it now!” Lavellan shouted, her and Merrill’s first started to run away from the fighting. Merrill dropped the barrier and followed. They ran to the opposite end of the camp. Merrill paused to cast a wall of fire, to buy them time and distance. Lavellan struggled to move quickly, her legs felt as if they would give up on her. Merrill grabbed one of Lavellan’s arms to help support her. 

Cullen wasted no time, watching the mages flee, he clapped his hands, releasing a shockwave of light and power across the battle field. It knocked everyone back except him. Morrigan, caught in the wave, was dispelled. She was no longer in her bear form, and heaved on the ground. Cullen looked at Cole who was still standing.

“Grab Morrigan! Get her with the other mages!” He ordered.

Lavellan, Merrill, and her first managed to escape the reaches of Cullen’s shockwave. They stood along the border of trees, Merrill helping Lavellan stand.

“Quickly,” Lavellan barked, “Cast your most powerful area of effect spells!”

Merrill hesitated, “But your people…”

“They’ll move.” Lavellan assured them.

Merrill began building her mana. Lavellan, panting from exertion, watched as Cole ran towards them, carrying Morrigan over his shoulder. Cullen helped Thom up and they fled the area. The remaining Templars and soldiers began to get themselves up, off the ground. Merrill quickly released her Galvanizing Storm. Clouds swirled above the soldiers. Powerful bolts of lightning formed and were released upon the enemy in a hellstorm. They watched as her storm electrified and disintegrated the remaining soldiers. They watched as their fleshy parts fried off of their bones, only leaving their armor to fall on the ground. After mere moments, the battle was done. Only Thom and Cullen stood nearby the field of bodies. No Dalish remained, saved for Merrill and her first.

“Aaah!” Merrill’s first screamed. Lavellan spun around and saw the same rogue from before, pull his knife from Merrill’s first, blood spurting from her side. She fell to the ground. The rogue descended upon Lavellan. She quickly shot a bolt of lightning from her, but the rogue dodged, he leapt towards her.

“ELLE!” Cullen’s voice screamed across the battlefield.

Lavellan fell onto her back. She created a chain of lightning between her hands, holding it above her. The rogue was on top of her, pushing up against her lightning chain. It burned into his flesh as he struggled against her, driving his dagger down towards her chest. She pushed the chain further against him. She could smell his clothes and flesh burn. Her body began pulsing with energy, each pulse in rhythm with her heartbeat.

The rogue kneed her in her belly, she cried out in pain but she didn’t drop her hands. He kneed her again…and again…

“Yeaaaaggghhhh!”Cullen barreled into the rogue atop Lavellan, knocking him from her. As he leapt over her, taking the rogue with him, the chain of electricity between her hands, seared across Cullen’s back. He and the rogue rolled against the ground. Cullen rolled on top of him, one of his hands held the rogue down by his neck, crushing the rogue’s throat. The rogue’s dagger pierced into Cullen’s side.

“Cullen!” Lavellan screamed. She tried to get up, but her belly cramped, preventing her. She crawled on the ground, slowly, towards the pair.

Cullen’s fist raised in the air, the blade of light formed around it. Cullen brought it down, crushing the rogue’s skull. He lifted his fist up again, blood and brain dripping from it, and swung it down again…and again…and again. After a time, Cullen fell back, off of the rogue. He landed on his side, his chest heaved from labored breathing. Lavellan crawled to him.

“Cullen!” She cried. She crawled up on him and turned his body to face her. When his golden eyes met hers, he smiled warmly for the first time in what felt like ages.

 _There you are, love._  

He raised his hand to touch her cheek. He stroked her soft skin, leaving a trail of blood behind. She gazed upon his face, tears streamed down her own. His golden eyes wouldn’t release her gaze. It had been so long since she had seen him smile at her. It was the only thing she wanted since this nightmare began. It brought her back to when they were first getting to know each other, back before Haven was destroyed. For the longest time, he was the only person who smiled when he saw her, especially in those early days. And here he was again, genuinely happy to look upon her face, as he lay bloodied and burned on the forest floor.

“He needs healing,” Merrill knelt beside them and gently pushed Lavellan from him, so that she could have access to his wound. The dagger was still in him, so she yanked it from him. Cullen grimaced from the pain. “Ir abelas,” Merrill apologized. She worked quickly on his wound.

“What about your first?” Lavellan asked.

“She’s dead. Her wound was fatal. His appears to be more superficial.” She stated matter-of-factly.

Lavellan leaned back onto her elbows, her breathing labored. Her belly still cramped. She placed a hand on her abdomen and gently massaged it, feeling for her child.

_Are you okay?_

She didn’t feel the baby move. She let out a heavy sigh.

_Please be okay._

She looked across the battlefield. Thom walked towards them, carrying Dorian’s body in his arms.

_No!_

Lavellan struggled to stand. Cole stood over her and helped her. Once on her feet, she stumbled towards Thom. As he neared, his face looked grave. Blood stained Dorian’s clothes, his body limp in Thom’s arms.

“Dorian! Please…” She grabbed at Dorian, grasping at his clothes, shaking him.

“Ellana,” Thom started.

“Dorian, wake up! Let me know you’re still here.” She pleaded, tears were streaming down her face. Her voice cracked against rising despair.

“Ellana,” Thom tried to hold back his own tears.

“No! NO!” She screamed as she fell to her knees.

Thom knelt down, setting Dorian on the ground before Lavellan. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gripped her firmly, “I’m so sorry.” He choked on his own words. She placed her hands on Dorian and shook him. He was unresponsive.

“Dorian!” An energy began pulsing from her again, matching her heartbeat. Everyone near her could feel its vibrations. The pulse even rocked Dorian’s body upon the ground.

“What is that?” Thom exclaimed.

The air around Lavellan and Dorian began to become ethereal, forming a bubble around them. Thom held onto her shoulders, gripping her firmly. His eyes searched to meet hers, but she covered her face in her hands. Her body shook as she cried. Thom could feel the pulses emanate from her. He could feel them rock him to his core.

“Ellana! Listen to me,” Thom feared what was happening to her, “He is gone. There is nothing that can be done.” Levallan looked up from her hands, a white light glowed from behind her eyes. Thom grimaced in response. He shook her, “Ellana! Stay with me!”

Cullen, holding his side rushed to Lavellan. Standing behind her, he raised his hand over his eyes, blinded by the pulses of light that now came from her.

“What’s going on?” Cullen shouted.

Lavellan reached out and grabbed Dorian’s body, grasping tight fists around his clothes. Her eyes glowed brightly as the air around them vibrated, the bass of the pulses shook everyone in the area. The ethereal bubble around her and Dorian swirled and closed in around them. Cullen reached out with one hand and grabbed Lavellan’s shoulder. As soon as he did, the bubble collapsed and she and Dorian were gone. A cloud of dirt billowed from where they were.

“Where is she?” Cullen shouted. He looked around, his body turned in circles.

Thom remained kneeling on the ground, his hands outstretched before him. They remained in their position when he held onto Lavellan’s shoulders. She was gone from his grip. She just…disappeared.

“I think…” Morrigan approached them, rubbing the back of her neck, sore from being thrown by Cullen’s shockwave, “I think she used her mark. She crossed the veil.”

Cullen faced Morrigan, his eyes wide, “How is that possible? She doesn’t have the mark anymore!”

“I’ve mentioned this before,” Morrigan said with an exasperated tone, “she no longer has the visible anchor, but the mark has changed her. It has changed the fabric of her being.”

“Are they in the fade…physically?” Thom asked, barely believing that she disappeared from his grasp.

“I think that is obvious, considering their bodies no longer remain.” Morrigan sighed.

Cullen charged Morrigan, shaking her shoulders, “How do we get to her!”

Morrigan pushed him away, “Commander, we _don’t_. She’ll have to find her way back. We wait.” 

“I can help.” Cole stepped forward, rubbing his hands around each other, nervously. Cullen, Thom, and Morrigan stared at him, waiting for him to respond. “I can try to find her, find her thoughts. I can try to guide her back.”

 

* * *

 

Lavellan wept in her hands, her body shook, and despair threatened to take her over. She sat atop her knees, the ground beneath her felt hard and rocky. Dorian’s body lay, motionless, in front of her.

“Don’t leave me…”she sobbed.

The fade surrounded her. The sky above her swirled with green and yellow tinted clouds and fog. The world around her was silent, except for the sounds of her sniffles and sobs. Ethereal forms began to rise from the ground, surrounding her. The forms let out faint cries and sighs.

“Dorian, please wake up.” She pressed her hands against his bloodied side. She focused her energy, an orange light illuminated them. After a time, she removed her hand. The blood was gone, but Dorian did not stir. She cupped his lifeless face in her hands, the color drained from his features. She stroke his cheeks with her thumbs.

She felt a tugging on her hair and clothes. The ethereal forms attached themselves to her. She ignored them for the time, staring upon Dorian’s face. A red light pulsed from Dorian. Lavellan sat back, shielding her eyes. When the light dimmed, she laid her eyes upon Dorian’s corporeal form, floating before her, his hand placed casually on his hip.

“Ellie, this is quite unbecoming.” He said.

Lavellan cried, “Dorian?”

“Well, not completely, but close enough I would say. You can’t stay here Ellie.” The spirit warned.

“I can’t leave without you. How do I bring you back?” She asked desperately.

The spirit shook his head, “You don’t, Ellie.”

“No!” She screamed.

“It’s too dangerous for you in this place. You are attracting too many spirits.” He said. Lavellan then became acutely aware of the spirts who were clawing at her, pulling her hair and tugging at her clothes. He continued, “You are too bright, they vie to use you to enter your world. They will twist into demons if you let them. Your emotions are getting the better of you.”

“I don’t care…I can’t go back…not without you.” She sobbed.

Dorian’s form approached her, placing a hand on her head, “You can, and you will Ellie. Let me give you something you lost. It’s actually the worst gift I could give you, but it’s important for you to remember…so you don’t repeat it.”

Lavellan felt warmth from where the spirit touched her. It spread through her body like wildfire. Suddenly, memories of Haven and the Fear demon returned to her, drowning her mind. She watched, as if outside herself, as she murdered the Seekers with her blood magic, draining their blood from them, fueling her own power. She watched as the blood repaired her body, creating flesh and bone. The magic restored her to pristine health and saved her from losing her child. The spirit also imparted on her, images of Cullen within her own mind, fighting the demons within her. She had glimpses of Cullen being helped by a spirit, of him being tempted by a desire demon, and of him ripping the fear demon apart.

Lavellan clawed at her chest, overwhelmed by her new memories.

“They’ve suffered…I’ve made them suffer.” She breathed.

“Yes.” The spirit agreed, “But you cannot let despair and fear take you over, or they will suffer more.”

She looked up at Dorian’s form, “You died…because of me. Cassandra died…Sera betrayed me…Loranil...gods, Loranil! They sacrificed him so that I could _live_. And what have I done with that sacrifice? I’ve created rifts among our friends!”

The spirits that clawed at her, began to change shape. Their forms distorted as they cried out for her. No longer looking ethereal, the spirits took on forms of demons. They grabbed her, clawed at her, pulled on her arms and legs. She resisted, barely.

“Ellie, fight your grief. Use these memories to empower yourself. To remind you what happens when you give up. You need to go back. Those who remain are counting on you.” The spirit placed his hand against Lavellan’s cheek.

“Dorian, I’m so sorry.”

“I know.”

_[Cole’s voice] Ellana?_

Lavellan looked around her, looking for Cole. The demons pulled on her, tangling their tendrils and claws in her hair as they pulled her head back. She struggled against their grasp.

“Cole? Where are you?” She asked, urgency in her voice.

Dorian’s form spoke, “He’s back with your friends.” Dorian’s form knelt in front of her, “you need to let me go, Ellie.”

_[Cole’s voice] Your pain pulls them, I can feel them, taking shape. You must not give in._

Lavellan felt the demons claws tear at her flesh. She struggled to pull away from them. She outreached her hands, clawing at the ground in front of her as she tried to pull herself from their grasp.

_Cole…I can’t…I don’t want them to get me again!_

“Ellie, let me go. Let them go.” The spirit directed her attention to look behind her at the demons that held her. They weren’t demons any longer. Instead they were to the corporeal forms of Cassandra, Loranil, and the Templars Reed and Thomas. Their eyes glowed red, their mouths bared monstrous teeth. They tore their fingertips into her arms, pulling her towards them, wanting to enter her.

_[Cole’s voice] We are here, waiting. Can you feel me?_

_No! These terrors Cole…_

_[Cole’s voice] Look inside yourself and feel the tether that connects us all. It is what pulls me to people who are in pain. It is what allowed you and Solas to find each other in the fade. It is what attracts you to your friends. Find that tether that connects to me and come back to us._

Lavellan kicked and screamed against the terrors that clawed at her. The Templar Reed yanked at her legs, pulling her harshly to him. He climbed on top of her, forcing her legs apart so he could slide between them. She felt his hot breath upon her face, it reeked of death.

“Let them go,” Dorian’s voice was faint.

She struggled against the demon Reed. The other demons held her down. They smiled and laughed as the demon Reed licked his serpent tongue over Lavellan’s body.

“No…not again…” She cried.

_[Cole’s voice] Focus on me. Feel the subtle vibrations that pull at your being._

She felt her baby kick within her. It suddenly reminded her of why she wanted to survive. Why she gave into blood magic and desperation…it was all for her child, her daughter. The promise and bond between her and the man she loved. The representation of all that was good in this world.

Her body pulsed, energy shot out from her like a barrage of arrows, striking the demons around her.

“Get OFF OF ME!” She screamed. She sat up and rolled over to her feet. She used her hands to pull the ground up around her. A tidal wave of stone and dirt crashed upon the demons in front of her, their screams wailed across the landscape. She ran to Dorian’s body and knelt beside him. The spirit floated above them.

“It’s time to return,” he said, “please…can you send a message for me?”

Lavellan, hugging onto Dorian’s lifeless body, gazed up at his spirit, “Of course.”

“Will you tell that nasty Qunari…to stop his people from invading my homeland? And…that I love him.” The spirit faded.

Lavellan cried as she nodded, watching his form disappear. She hugged his body closer to her.

 _[Cole’s voice]_ _Can you feel it?_

Lavellan closed her eyes and searched within herself. She thought of her friends. She felt tiny pulses within her. She focused on Cole and listened. She felt him…his pull on her. The ethereal bubble formed around her again, her body emanating light. She held Dorian’s body tightly as the bubble collapsed around them, returning them back to their friends.

 

* * *

 

“Elle! Thank the maker!” Cullen fell to his knees behind her, wrapping his arms around her.

Thom was kneeling in front of her, right where she left him before she went into the fade. She was sitting on the dirt ground, Dorian’s body in her lap. She looked around her, at her friends that remained. Their faces were sullen, yet relieved to look upon her. She looked back at Thom. He stared at her, dejected.

She felt Cullen’s hand upon her face, turning her to face him. His thumb stroked her cheek as he searched her eyes. His anger and despair had vanished. All that was left was relief, guilt, and joy that he looked upon her.

“I’m so sorry,” he told her. His voice cracked against the lump that formed in his throat.

“Cullen…” she said softly.

He leaned in and kissed her lips, pulling her face to his. She pulled back from him, hesitating. His expression showed confusion and fear, wondering why she pulled away. She gazed into his eyes, finally smiling.

 _Ar lath ma, bellanaris_.

She cupped her hands around his face and kissed him, parting her lips so that she could taste him again. They breathed heavily into one another, reveling in each other’s embrace. After a time, they pulled back. Cullen pushed her hair back behind her ear.

“Good, she’s back,” Morrigan said. “We need to move from here. This location has obviously been compromised. We need to find a place to camp, _away_ from all this death, and discuss with this keeper, why we are here.”

Merrill leaned against her staff, heartbroken, as her eyes swept across her camp. Her entire clan lay dead. After a time, she spoke, “Is why you here, have to do with Fen’Harel?”

“Yes,” Morrigan replied.

“Is it to stop him?” She asked, grimly.

“Yes.” Morrigan said simply.

“Good,” Merrill stated, “I know what it is you seek then. We need to head to the top of Sundermount. That’s where we will find the eluvian.”

“How do you know about why…” Morrigan started.

Merrill glared at her, “The dread wolf sought it from me. I would not give it to him. I’ve seen firsthand the terrible cost of restoring pieces of our past.” She motioned towards the dead that littered her camp, “This is not the first clan I’ve lost.” She sighed heavily.

“Why can’t Solas access your eluvian?” Thom asked simply.

“Because,” said Merrill, “I restored it with blood magic. Therefore the only key that opens it is my blood.” She walked over to Lavellan, “Do you know what you will find beyond the eluvian?”

Lavellan replied, “The Crossroads.”

“You seek Fen’Harel? What will you do if you find him?”

“I seek to change his mind.”

“You don’t want the same thing he does? To restore our people to their former glory?”

Lavellan shook her head, “I don’t think that is possible.”

Merrill smiled, “Neither do I. We, in our former glory, destroyed ourselves. There is nothing to be gained by living in our past. The dread wolf is a fool.”

Lavellan nodded, “He is.”

Merrill nodded confidently, “I will help you then. Let us leave this place.”


	19. The Last Night

Lavellan’s party camped at the base of Sundermount. They planned on making the ascent at first light. Merrill assured them that they would be able to make the summit by mid-afternoon. The party had finished setting up their tents for the evening and sat around a campfire that Thom was attending to. Each other had exhaustion written all over their bodies. They sat in silence, sighing, massaging their feet, cracking their backs and necks, and picking dirt from their fingernails. The last two days were spent gathering the bodies of the fallen Dalish and setting them upon a pyre to give them a sending into the next world. Lavellan, Cullen, and Cole gave Dorian his own pyre and said their farewells. They then trekked through the forest and made their way to Sundermount. Merrill had been quiet most of the way. Cullen did impart on her, the letter from Varric, although he thought that it was pointless since Merrill had figured out what they wanted anyway. Merrill seemed grateful for the letter. She had told them that it had been too long since she has talked to Varric, and that she missed his stories.

Lavellan rose to her feet from her seated position, her swollen belly gave her trouble. Both Cullen and Thom tried to help her to her feet but she raised her hand at the two of them, “I’m fine.” She noticed Cullen sneer at Thom, but he said nothing.

“Nature calls,” Lavellan assured the men, letting them know to not follow her.

She made her way to the borders of their camp, and found a spot hidden from view of the campfire. She took the opportunity to awkwardly squat and relieve herself. The last two days, both Cullen and Thom seemed to hound her steps, not letting her get out of sight of either one of them. She found it quite exhausting.

“Ellana?” Morrigan stepped into view.

“Creators!” Lavellan jumped up quickly, pulling her pants up swiftly, “Can’t I have a moment to piss?”

“My apologies. But seeing how you are not in the company of your men, I thought this would be the only opportunity I would have to speak with you.”

Lavellan looked up at Morrigan curiously, “What about?”

Morrigan stepped closer to her, her voice low, “Seeing that tomorrow…we may find ourselves at the end of this journey, I want to talk to you about your mark.”

Lavellan looked down at her left hand, where the anchor used to be.

Morrigan, sensing her confusion, continued, “Remember that elven orb that Solas was after?”

Lavellan nodded, “Yes, it is what gave me the anchor.”

“Right, it impart it’s power unto you. It irrevocably changed you within and without. It’s power is apart of you, without a doubt. The anchor you had was it’s focus and the point of most of it’s power. When Solas took it, he did indeed save you, but remnants remain inside you. You still have access to the fade, but it would appear it takes great strength and mana to do it. You seemed like you were only able to do it under extreme emotional duress.”

“Why?”

“Adrenaline really. It gave you the extra boost you needed to open the veil and pass through.”

“What does this mean, Morrigan?”

“Solas wanted to use the orb to tear down the veil and to restore his people. The orb is lost, so he has to find another way. But you can accomplish the thing he seeks. You can tear down the veil.”

Lavellan’s eyes went wide, “Are you saying that’s what you want me to do?”

Morrigan shook her head, “No…but I fear that it is a consequence of waking the Evanuris.”

“Have you told the others?” Lavellan’s voice was raised.

Morrigan hushed her and hissed, “No, of course not. I needed to tell you, since you are the key. I’m warning you…Solas must know about your power. It just surprises me why he hasn’t used your prior relationship to his advantage.” Morrigan cupped her chin with her hand. “He spurned you, yes?”

Lavellan glared, “Yes. Quite spurned I was.”

Morrigan tapped her cheek, “What is his game?”

Lavellan sighed, “Couldn’t it be as simple as he actually cared about me enough that he didn’t want to use me?”

Morrigan smiled, “That would be the obvious answer. But when we encounter him, which I assure you we will, be wary of his professions. He may still yet try and sway you to his side.”

Lavellan recalled the last couple of times she encountered him in the fade, and blushed. He had already attempted to plant the seeds of doubt within her.

“Really, I do not know what we will encounter. I do not think you will be able to convince him, but I’m not so sure that he can’t convince you.”

Lavellan furrowed her brow, “You’re not serious!”

Morrigan shrugged. Lavellan gestured to her pregnant belly, “No, he will not convince me. I’ll do what I can to try and convince him. But if I can’t, I’ll stop him any way I can.” Lavellan’s tone was dark. Lavellan thought on what Morrigan said, it didn’t quite add up in her mind.

“What is it?” Morrigan questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“The Well speaks through you, the will of Mythal. Does Mythal want us to wake the Evanuris?”

“Yes.” She said simply.

“Why?”

“The Well only tells me that it is the only way to stop Solas…unless we can _kill_ him.”

“But, you said if we wake the Evanuris, we could tear the veil down in the process.” Lavellan’s tone became accusatory.

Morrigan became annoyed, “Yes I did say that.”

“Then how is that any different from what Solas wants!” Lavellan snapped.

Morrigan threw her hands in the air, “I said it was a distinct possibility which is why we must be careful. And if it comes down to where we can’t kill Solas, for whatever reason, and the veil comes down…we have to wake the Evanuris to stop him. If he doesn’t tear down the veil but we cannot defeat him, we still wake the Evanuris to stop him…and yes, it could easily accomplish Solas’s goal. Either way, he needs to be stopped in order for our world to have a chance.”

“How do we stop the Evanuris once they are awake? I find it unlikely that we all will live happily ever after.”

Morrigan balked, “I…I do not know. The Well hasn’t revealed that to me.”

Lavellan grunted, “Well…we will just have to convince him or kill him then. I’m not tearing down any veil or waking any ancient gods.”

“They’re not really gods…” Morrigan started.

“I know!” Lavellan shouted as she walked away from her.

_Fuck! Can this get any worse?_

Lavellan walked away from camp, wanting to be alone in her thoughts. After she had enough distance from the light of the camp, she found a rock and sat awkwardly down upon it. She kicked smaller rocks with her foot and stewed on what Morrigan had just told her.

_How does this end in any way that isn’t tragic? Can we even stop this from happening?_

The moon was full, illuminating the darkness around her. The air was still and quiet save for a few crickets that chirped around her, bringing her some small comfort. She dreaded what the next day would bring and she wanted to prolong going back to camp for as long as possible.

“Ellana?” Thom’s voice called to her quietly. She heard his footsteps against the rocky ground as he came around to face her, “Are you alright?”

She smiled at him, “No.” She patted the space on the rock next to her, inviting him to take a seat. He obliged, letting out a heavy sigh as he sat down. He put his arms behind him and leaned back. The two of them listened to the crickets chirp for some time.

Thom broke the silence, “I wanted to say something to you, I know this isn’t the time…nor do I think there will ever be a more appropriate time, but I want to tell you before tomorrow.”

Lavellan face him, “Thom, you don’t need to say anything.”

He shook his head, “No, I do. I want to.”

Lavellan pleaded, “I don’t think I want you to.”

Thom raised an eyebrow, “You’re a mind reader? You know what I’m going to say?”

She shrugged and looked away from him.

“Ellana,” Thom leaned close to her and used a hand to turn her face to look at him. Her heart began to pound in her chest, her palms became sweaty, her breathing erratic. She became terrified. He brushed her dark hair back, “You’re trembling.”

“Thom, don’t…”

He interrupted her with a kiss. His bushy beard was surprisingly soft against her skin. His lips were full against hers. She pulled away from him.

“Thom,” She breathed, surprised. Not that he kissed her, but how she felt about him kissing her.

“I-I…” he brushed his thumb over her lips, “I wanted to do that for a very long time. Please forgive my boldness. But I don’t think there would be another opportunity.” He confessed.

Her heart pained for him, gazing upon his face. He smiled at her, but she could see the melancholy behind his eyes. She cared for Thom, but not in the way he wanted her to.

“I know you love Cullen,” He said suddenly, “I’m not a fool. I’m also not trying to convince you to change your mind. I just…”he looked away for a moment, hesitating.

She placed her hand on his face, stroking her thumb against his furry cheek. He turned to face her. She leaned in and kissed him, pressing her lips against his firmly. He parted his lips slightly and she accepted his invitation. Her tongue slipped into his mouth and she tasted him. Thom couldn’t resist any longer. His arms wrapped around her, his hands gripped her back firmly as he pulled her against him. His hand slid up into her hair. He tangled his fingers into her tresses. She ran her hand through his long hair, pressing his face to hers as they passionately kissed.

Thom was first to break their embrace. He leaned his forehead against hers, breathing hard. He licked his lips and collected himself, “Thanks for that,” he laughed.

“You’re welcome Thom,” She smiled.

He pulled back from her, “You’re a good woman, and a great friend. You never lost faith in me. I owe you everything for what you have done for me. You will never do any wrong in my eyes. I will follow you into the abyss, if it comes to it. You have my word, for whatever that’s worth.” He let his hand linger against her cheek, feeling the softness of her skin against his rough hand. “In another life…”

_In another life_.

He stood up to leave her. She quickly grabbed his sleeve to stop him. She used him to help herself stand up, “Thom, I want to say something to you.”

She cupped his head in her hands, “I care for you, my friend, deeply. I won’t lead you into any abyss. I swear it.” She released her hands and hugged him tightly.

“Thank you,” He said softly. He then let her go, and walked away from her.

_I’m sorry Thom. You’re a good man_. 

_In another life…_

 

* * *

 

Cullen lay in his small tent, upon his bedroll, his back turned against the opening. He had been sleeping alone, ever since the events at Haven. Even after Dorian’s death, Lavellan had wanted to be alone, he was sure she needed time to mourn. And perhaps, she was angry with him, him having rejected her…how poorly he treated her these past few months. It had taken him some time to sort out what has happened to them and between them, and even after all the time he had spent mulling over what he experienced, he still didn’t have all the answers he had hoped for.

He held his wedding ring between his fingers. He rolled it around, thinking about his vow. He had sworn unto the Maker, to love Elle for the rest of his days. She had sworn to love him for eternity. He didn’t know what she had said at the time of her vow, but over the course of their time together, she eventually told him what _bellanaris_ meant.

_That’s longer than the rest of her days…again she one-upped me. She always does better…she makes me want to be better._

He groaned as he thought on his past mistakes. After watching her transform into an abomination and feeling helpless…to then being asked to commit another atrocity in order to save her…to then not making that decision…to witness the horrors in her mind…and to be tempted by a ghost of his past…he didn’t know how to look at her. He didn’t know how to act around her. The guilt from not making the choice to use blood magic to save her, ate away at him. He took his action as him choosing his faith over his wife. He had broken his promise to her.

For a while, he couldn’t decide if he was disgusted by her choices or disappointed. But after time he realized he was neither of those things towards her. He was disgusted with himself, for not being there for her. For not supporting her afterwards. Instead of facing his guilt, he ran from her. And in his folly, he feared he pushed her into the arms of another man, not only losing his love, but his child.

“You fucking idiot,” He chided himself. He rolled over onto his back and held his wedding ring above him. He remarked about the circle shape, how it had no beginning nor an end.

_Bellanaris._

He heard the flap to his tent open. He couldn’t make out who entered, but he could smell who did. The smell of a fall rain filled him.

“Elle?” He breathed, “Why are you here?”

He felt her hand rest against his chest as she lay down next to him. Her belly pressed against his side as she wrapped her leg over his.

“Ir abelas,” she said softly. Her warm breath tickled his ear.

“No, I’m sorry,” Cullen turned his head to his side, his eyes fell upon hers. He breathed deeply…he had almost forgotten how beautiful she was. “Elle, I have been unworthy…so unworthy.”

“You don’t need to…”

He interrupted, “I do need to apologize. I’ve been a coward and a shell of a man. I cannot undo how I’ve treated you or make up for these last few months.” He placed his hand upon her abdomen. He felt the baby kick. “I have missed much. You have carried her alone. Please forgive me.”

Elle ran her hand along his face. She admired his features- his stubble that dotted his rugged jawline and the scar that marred his upper lip beautifully.

“Please forgive me, for not being strong enough…for giving in to demons…Creators, of all things. All you have suffered because of me.”

“I haven’t…”

“You have,” she said abruptly, “When I was in the fade, Dorian returned my memories.”

“Dorian?” He asked, cautious. She hadn’t revealed what she experienced when she disappeared from the last battlefield.

“His spirit I think…I saw what you saw. You lived a horror beyond imagining. Did you act unworthy towards me? I cannot say. I do not how I would have handled this if our roles were reversed. I just trust that you did the best you could.”

“Elle, I could always do better.” He said simply.

She laughed a little, “Yes, you and me both. I…” she hesitated, “I saw what you experienced in my head, when you entered the fade to rescue me.”

Cullen gulped hard, afraid of what she would bring up.

“You are stronger than I. You didn’t give in to that desire demon. You destroyed the fear demon that I had let take me over. You were…remarkable, courageous.”

Cullen’s eyes began to well with tears, his emotions were getting the better of him. He struggled to hold his tears back. He felt her hand comfort him, giving him a lovingly stroke across his cheek. He grabbed her hand and kissed it gently.

“I love _only_ you,” he told her, staring into her eyes, his hand still caressed her belly.

“Ar lath ma, _only_ you.” She kissed him. He kissed her back, gently, cautiously. She leaned up on her side and bent over him, leaving a trail of kisses down his face, as she worked to remove his tunic. He placed his hands on hers, stopping her.

“Elle, please don’t feel that you have to…”

She cocked an eyebrow at him, “ _Have_ to? I don’t have to do anything. Where’s my Commander hiding?”

“It’s just…the last time…on the boat…” His face flushed, guilt rising in him.

She chuckled, “Oh that…we have some _kinks_ to work out, don’t we?”

“I never want to hurt you,” He assured her.

She leaned in close to him, her lips brushed against his, “Maybe sometimes I want you to.”

He felt himself harden, a tightness pulled at his abdomen. She worked his tunic up and over his head. She guided her lithe fingers across the definition of his abdomen, momentarily twirling her fingers in his treasure trail. She bent down and kissed his stomach. She moved up his torso, admiring the scars that beset him. She kissed each one as she moved towards his face. He cupped her head in his hands and guided her down to his lips. They kissed slowly at first, gently caressing each other’s lips with their own. She encouraged him by nipping his bottom lip. He sat up and hooked his arm around her back and slowly guided her down onto hers. He fumbled with the buttons on her shirt, eager to gaze upon her.

“Just rip it off,” She laughed.

“You don’t have another one, do you?” He said in between kisses. He was finally successful in opening her shirt, “Oh, nevermind.”

He pulled her shirt back against her shoulders and removed her breast band, revealing her much larger breasts and her necklace that held her wedding ring. He sat up and gazed upon her form.

“What is it?” She said. He detected a hint of nervousness in her voice.

“I’m just admiring you,” He grinned, “You’re absolutely beautiful.”

“I’m very large if I’m anything.” She laughed.

“In all the right places,” he mused as he bent down and kissed her belly, holding it gently between his hands. He slowly moved up to her breasts, cupping each one in his hands. He tongued her nipple as he squeezed them. He felt her move under him, letting out an approving moan. While he sucked on her, she wriggled as she attempted to remove her pants. He sat up and smiled, “Eager?”

“I thought _you_ would be…it’s been awhile…” She smiled a half-cocked smile.

He chuckled, “Let me enjoy this…enjoy _you_.” He worked to remove her pants, gently pulling them off of her. Gradually he parted her legs, taking one of them in his grasp as he kissed down her thigh, laying himself flat against the ground to get a better position. He bit and nibbled her inner thigh, teasing her. He could feel her heat against his face. It beckoned to him. He let out a growl. She was absolutely intoxicating. He moved his face to her cunt, parting her lips with his fingers to reveal her clit to him. He sucked and flicked his tongue against her. She bucked her hips against his face, moaning. She clapped her hand against her mouth, to stifle her cries. He stuck two fingers into her and massaged her. He could feel her wet, dripping, eager for him.

“Cullen!” She hissed, “Please, just…” she let out a moan, her hands gripped his bedroll as her body writhed, she was unable to finish her sentence.

He looked up from his endeavor and smiled wickedly, “You were saying?”

She didn’t reply, instead she just panted and kicked her foot against his shoulder. Cullen worked quickly to remove his breeches. He crawled over her body, her swollen belly pressing against his stomach he positioned himself. He looked down at his unborn child and then back at her, hesitating, he asked, “Are you sure this is OK?”

She gasped, “YES!”

“Uh…should I just…like this? Or should I get behind you…” Cullen was unsure what would be more comfortable for her.

“For fuck’s sake, Cul-“ she was interrupted with her own moan. Cullen’s cock entered her. Her walls squeezed against him, warm, wet, and tight. He felt himself get lightheaded as he gently entered her, slowly rocking back and forth.

“Wait…maybe you should get behind me,” She said almost breathlessly.

He paused in his motion, “You ok?”

“Having a hard time breathing…”

He pulled out of her and lay behind her. She turned to her side and pushed her ass against him. He lifted her leg up over his and entered her. His rhythm was slow, and deep. He reached around her and fingered her clit as he rocked in and out. She turned her head back, and he met her with kisses. She shoved her tongue in his mouth and kissed him fervently.

“Faster,” She encouraged. He obliged. She cupped her hand over her mouth to stifle her cries, she didn’t want to arouse their camp. He pumped hard and fast into her, rubbing her clit vigorously. He kissed the back of her neck. At the touch of his lips, he felt her release onto him. Her body, wracked with pleasure, bucked against him. He continued to kiss her neck, feeling himself close to release. He resisted, wanting this to last forever. But as her walls tightened around his cock with her orgasm, he couldn’t last forever. He spilled into her, biting her neck to stifle his own cry of ecstasy.

“Hey!” She protested.

He squeezed his hands against her hips as he rode the waves of his orgasm. His body finally relaxed and he let out a satisfying sigh.

“Maker, I’ve missed you.” He kissed the spot where he bit her.

Her hand wrapped around and rested against his hand upon her hip, “Cullen?”

“Hmm?”

“Please don’t leave me again.” She said.

He hugged her tightly, “Never.”

His hand travelled up her torso and found her necklace. He gripped it tightly in his fist and ripped it methodically from her neck.

“Ow! What _are_ you doing?” She demanded.

He pulled the ring from the chain and grabbed her left hand. He slid the ring over her ring finger.

“Bellanaris,” he whispered in her ear, gripping her hand tightly in his.

They lay there together. He ran his fingers through her long black hair, lulling her to sleep. He played with her hair for what felt like hours, reveling in the feel of her body against his, the smell of her, and the sound of her breathing.

_I’ll never let you go_.


	20. A Million Little Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspired by Placebo's song, "Million Little Pieces"

Merrill led the party with Cullen, Thom, and Morrigan following close behind her, prepared for any resistance they might have along the mountain path. Cullen believed in the possibility of running into Agents of Fen’Harel, based on Morrigan’s assumption that Solas would be nearby, waiting for them to unlock the eluvian. Cole brought up the rear of their party, occasionally vanishing from sight, scouting the path behind them to make sure no one followed. As they made the steep climb up Sundermount, Lavellan struggled. The wind whipped around her, stealing her breath as she held her belly with one hand and gritted her teeth against the contractions. Her other hand helped support her body weight against the rock wall beside her. 

Lavellan halted her steps and took deep breaths as she struggled with her body. Cole approached her, looking at her sideways, “She’s coming.”

Lavellan looked at him, worry spread across her face. “She better not be,” she said. But she knew what Cole said to be true. The contractions were coming on more frequent and were getting stronger. She was terrified of having her baby atop Sundermount. It was the worst possible time, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

“I’ll get the others…” Cole started.

Lavellan shook her head, “No, we are almost there. I will be fine. I just needed a break.”

Cole shook his head, “No, you need…”

“I need you to believe me. I’m fine.” She said abruptly.

Lavellan renewed her efforts to make the climb again, her legs were heavy and her breathing strained. She attempted to ease the pain of her contractions by breathing deeply, and rhythmically. Her mind swirled around the idea of having her child, instantly feeling regret for not thinking about it more during the last few months. How would she carry her if they found themselves in battle? How would she keep her child quiet if they found themselves hiding? How would she feed her child when they barely had enough to feed themselves? How would she clothe her?

_What future can I give this child?_

She imagined her future if they were successful in stopping Solas…they would be on the run from the Chantry. She would have to raise her child on the road, as a fugitive. It was difficult to envision a future where the world would accept her back into their good graces after all that had transpired in the last year.

_I’ve been so selfish. I can’t raise her…not like this._

She looked ahead of her. Cullen was walking down the path to her, his face visibly disturbed. When he reached her, he hooked his arm under shoulder to help carry her weight, easing her ascent. He gripped her tightly, worried that she would stumble backwards and tumble down the mountain.

“I’m fine Cullen,” She insisted, her words strained between each breath she took to ease her pain.

Cullen was silent. He ignored her insistence, his only reply being his tightened grip. Even though she didn’t want him to fuss over her, she was relieved that he came back to help her. She hated the fact that she was burden…a liability.

“Are you okay?” Cullen finally asked her, hearing her labored breaths.

“I’ll be fine until we make it to the top.” She insisted.

“We’re almost there,” he assured her. He leaned in slightly and left a kiss atop her head, reassuring her that he was with her and that he would remain.

* * *

 

The mouth of the cave atop Sundermount stood before them, gaping like he maw of a stone dragon. Its breath billowed out in an ethereal vapor. Lavellan could feel her hair stand up on her arm, like pins and needles. They had made it to the top, and they found no resistance. 

 _The veil is thin here_.

The wind howled around them, its wails bounced off of the rocks, speaking to memories of horror and tragedy. She could feel the pain of the place vibrate through the ground and rise through her body.

“I don’t like it here,” Thom admitted, his hand gripped his sword tightly.

“Something marks this place,” Morrigan said eerily.

Merrill nodded, “This is where I killed my Keeper. Where she became an abomination, paying the price of my deal with a demon.”

“You did what?” Cullen gasped, shocked by her admission. He stood with his arm wrapped around Lavellan, supporting her.

“I was naïve. I thought I was helping our people recover a piece of our past,” Merrill stepped towards the cave opening, “but the only way for me to restore the eluvian was through blood magic. It was tainted, beyond a normal mage’s ability. So I struck a deal with a demon in order to cleanse it. My Keeper saw my foolishness, being able to see what was at the end of the path I was walked. She had hoped I would come to my senses, but I was determined. And in the end, to protect me one last time, she paid the price that was meant for me.” Merrill turned to face the group, “So after I left Kirkwall, I sealed the eluvian here. No one can access it without my blood. Maybe now, the sacrifices might actually be worth something, if it can be used to help you stop Fen’Harel.” 

Morrigan smiled, “Shall we proceed then?”

“What do you expect to find beyond the eluvian?” Thom asked, suddenly skeptical.

“I expect that we will find answers. We seek a path to where the Evanuris sleep. I suspect we will find a way to reach Solas.”

“Let’s get this over with,” Thom grunted.

Merrill turned and walked into the cave, the rest followed her, cautiously. Cullen helped pull Lavellan along. With a step forward, she heard something snap within her and she felt a rush of fluid leave her.

“Cullen,” She breathed. He stopped trying to guide her forward. He looked at her and could see by her expression, what was happening.

“Let’s get you inside.” He told her urgently.

She struggled to walk as her contractions were stronger, pulling at her belly button and pushing against her pelvic floor. Her pants were soaked from the fluid that continually leaked from her.

“It won’t stop coming out,” she said, panicked, as they inched their way forward to the mouth of the cave.

“Keep moving,” he said sternly.

She groaned and grunted against the labor. Once inside the cave, she fell onto her hands and knees. She could see before her, the eluvian that they had worked these past months to reach. She thought she could hear it whisper to her, its mirror glass emanated a glow that beckoned to her. Her contractions took over, the pain purged all thought from her, and she began to scream.

“What’s happening?” Thom yelled, surprised to see her on the ground.

“The baby is coming!” Cullen shouted. He knelt beside her and rested his hand against her back, “What do you need me to do?”

She growled between her teeth, “Don’t touch me!” She batted his hand away from her as she writhed from her contractions. Morrigan moved quickly to her side. She started to breath rhythmically. Lavellan soon caught on and matched her breathing pattern with Morrigan’s.

“We need clean linen, anyone have any in their pack?” Morrigan asked, taking command of the situation.

“I think I have a clean shirt,” Cullen removed his pack from his back and rifled through it.

“We will need it for the baby.” She turned to Lavellan and addressed her, “This could go quickly or take quite long. It just depends on your body. Tell me, how long have you been having contractions?”

Lavellan grunted,” Days…maybe…not like this though”

“We will need to remove your pants. Will you let me help you?”

Lavellan nodded, crying. Morrigan helped her remove her pants. Lavellan screamed and grunted. The group watched nervously, feeling helpless.

“I…I feel a lot of pressure!” Lavellan told Morrigan. “I think she’s coming.”

“Listen to your body. Push if that’s what it’s telling you.” Morrigan directed. “This will not be pleasant.”

Lavellan, still on her hands and knees, began to push, screaming as she did. Morrigan knelt behind Lavellan and placed her hand against her bottom. She pushed two of her fingers gently into Lavellan. They didn’t travel far before she felt the baby.

“Keep pushing,” Morrigan encouraged.

Lavellan pushed in conjunction with her contractions. She could feel her baby move against her opening. As she pushed, she felt the tissue around her opening stretch and burn. She screamed from the burning pain of her stretching flesh, as the baby’s head passed through her.

“There she is!” Morrigan said excitedly, “keep pushing!”

Once the head was through, the rest of her baby slid from her. She gave a couple more pushes to pass the afterbirth. Lavellan collapsed onto the stone floor. The world around her dimmed, the voices of her comrades grew faint. She could still feel fluid drain from her. She felt Cullen’s hands upon her, lifting her up. He turned her back against him, his legs and feet outstretched on either side of her. His hand patted her hair away from her face. He whispered to her, but she couldn’t make out the words. She felt herself become distant.

“It’s a girl, you have a beautiful little girl.” Morrigan said, handing the baby to her. She held her, scarcely believing that she was there. Morrigan, taking a dagger from Cole, began to saw through the baby’s umbilical cord. Cullen’s hand reached out from behind her and rubbed against their daughter’s black hair, matted against her head with blood. Lavellan cried, feeling her husband’s body against hers, holding their daughter in her arms…she cried.

 _Hello little girl_.

Lavellan’s head felt light. She felt herself slipping from consciousness. She struggled to keep her eyes open. She leaned her head against Cullen, and listened to his breathing, feeling his heart beat against his chest. It calmed her, bringing to her a peace she had not felt in a long time. She felt his hand against her face. He said something to her, but she couldn’t hear the words.

The world closed in around her.

* * *

 

“Something isn’t right,” Cullen breathed as he watched Elle’s eyes roll up into her head. He quickly looked at Morrigan. Her eyes were wide, staring down at Elle’s waist. He followed her gaze. 

There was so much blood.

“Elle, Elle!” He began to slap her cheek, in attempts to wake her. She didn’t respond. “Morrigan, what’s wrong?” He had to quickly grab his daughter as she slipped from Elle’s grasp, her body was going limp. The baby’s cry filled their ears.

Morrigan looked up at him, her face morose. Cullen looked around him, at the faces of his comrades, searching for someone that could help, that could offer anything to him. Thom’s face was twisted as he held back the tears in his eyes, his lips quivered, straining against the effort to keep calm. Cole stood solemnly, staring at the scene before him.

Cullen couldn’t believe it, after all they had been through…to end like this.

“Do SOMETHING!” He shouted at Morrigan.

“I…I can’t do anything.”

“Wh-what…there has to be something that can be done! What about blood magic? Anything!” He began to cry. With one hand he held his daughter against her mother’s chest, the other he gripped Elle’s shirt tightly, tugging at it as he began to rock back in forth, unable to suppress his despair. “She can’t leave me!”

Morrigan cautiously took Cullen’s baby from him, wrapping her naked body in the shirt he gave her. She held the crying baby close to her chest in an attempt to comfort her, “I’m sorry, but there is nothing to be done.” Morrigan looked away from Cullen, “This is the price she had to pay…when she saved your daughter back at Haven.” Her gaze returned to him. She watched him unravel before her.

Thom fell to his knees and sobbed into his hands. Merrill tried to comfort him, watching, reliving her own mistakes, watching the cautionary tale of blood magic unfold before her.

Cole approached Cullen and knelt beside him and Elle. He watched as Cullen rocked back and forth, gripping Elle’s body close to his, tears streaming down his face. He felt her body as it went limp in his arms.

“Elle, Maker no…ELLE!” He wailed. All the others could do was watch, they had no words of comfort for Cullen, as they couldn’t find the words to comfort themselves. The cave filled with their sobs and cries, bouncing off of walls, echoing of their despair.

* * *

 

Time passed slowly in that cave. Having watched Lavellan die before them, marred each one differently but profoundly. Cullen sat beside his wife’s body, staring at her lifeless face. He hadn’t moved in what felt like hours. Morrigan stood nearby, cradling Cullen’s sleeping daughter. Morrigan worried what they would feed the child, now that her mother was dead. Her eyes turned towards the eluvian. They were so close to their goal. She wondered how they would wake the Evanuris now. She looked back down at the child’s sleeping face. 

“The child…”Morrigan gasped. She looked at Merrill who sat next to Thom, who still sobbed. Merrill caught Morrigan’s gaze. She stood and approached her. Morrigan spoke quickly, “You can unlock the eluvian. We may still have a way to stop Solas.”

Merrill raised an eyebrow, “I thought you said you needed her mark,” she looked towards Lavellan’s body.

“I believe it has passed on to her daughter.” Morrigan’s eyes were wide, anxious that they may still have a way to finish their task.

“No.” Cullen stood up and faced Morrigan. His face was dark, his voice was low. “You’ll not use my child for whatever twisted purpose you seek.”

Morrigan clutched the baby against her, defensively, “It’s not a twisted purpose, it’s to save our world. You would risk all?”

“She is all I have left of her, you will not use her as a tool as the world has used my _wife_! The world doesn’t deserve it!” He shouted. He charged Morrigan, reaching out to grab his child.

Morrigan pulled away from him and ran towards the eluvian. “Merrill, unlock it please.”

Cullen hissed at Merrill, “Don’t you dare do it. She’ll run off with my child as soon as you do!” Cullen unsheathed his sword.

Thom rushed to Cullen and placed his hand on his chest, “Cullen, Morrigan is right. We need to finish what we started, else…what was the point of all this?”

Cullen glared at Thom, “Are you fucking serious? There is no fucking point! All that we had accomplished with the Inquisition…was for what exactly? To postpone the time when the world ends? We didn’t save anything…we just postponed the inevitable.”

Thom’s face fell, “Surely you don’t believe that…you can’t. For _her_ sake, you must believe this world is worth saving.”

“Unlock the mirror Merrill!” Morrigan shouted urgently, still holding the baby against her chest.

Merrill used a dagger and slid it across her hand. She walked up to the mirror and placed her bloodied hand against its glass. The mirror glowed brightly, its reflection revealed a temple in the background.

“Morrigan!” Cullen pleaded, “please…give me my daughter.”

“I will not be prevented from finishing what I was sent here to do.” She said simply.

“Sent?” Thom raised an eyebrow.

“By me,” a familiar voice echoed behind them. Cullen and Thom turned and faced _him_. He walked arrogantly across the stone ground, his hands folded behind his back. His cold gaze chilled them as he looked at each one of them.

“Solas…” Thom breathed.

Solas’s eyes finally landed on Lavellan’s body. His arrogance left his features, replaced by panic. He ran towards her, but Cullen intercepted. He swung his sword at Solas, preventing him from nearing his wife’s body.

“Don’t you dare.” Cullen growled, standing defensively over his wife.

“You don’t get to tell me what I can do,” Solas glowered, his eyes glowed suddenly and Cullen was tossed across the cave with a wave of his hand. Once Cullen was out of the way, Solas knelt beside Lavellan’s body. His face was pained, his heart breaking. He stroked her cheek and ran his fingers in her hair.

“Ir abelas, Vhenan. I was not here for you…” Solas spoke softly.

Cullen charged at Solas again, his sword brandished high. Without looking, Solas held up his hand. Cullen was tossed back.

“I would advise you from doing that again. Out of respect for _her_ I will not kill you here.” Solas growled.

“This is _your_ fault! All of this, because of you!” Cullen shouted.

“Yes.” Solas agreed. He rose to his feet and turned to face them. “All of this…is because of me. That’s why I’m trying to undo what I did a thousand years ago.” He looked at Morrigan, “You have done well.”

“What?” Cullen sneered, baring his teeth as he looked at Morrigan.

“You…and Mythal are working together?” Thom asked, puzzled.

“No,” Solas said, “Only me. Mythal is now a part of me, so by extension, Morrigan is my servant. I spoke through her.”

“Fuck.” Thom remarked

Morrigan’s face twisted in anger and disgust. She raised her hand to cast a spell, “You bastard!”

Solas stopped her with a raise of his hand.

 Morrigan’s frowned, “Then…why did you send me here to stop you…to wake the Evanuris if I was truly working for you?”

 “I needed you to unlock this eluvian. It was the last piece to my puzzle, but the keeper would not follow me and I could not use it without her blood magic. So I gave you the truth, to inspire you on this path. The Evanuris _would_ stop me, them being angry with what I have done to them. They present a big problem for me, but I have a plan on how to deal with them. Waking them, will undoubtedly tear down the veil. Also…tearing down the veil, will inevitably wake the Evanuris. The two go hand in hand. Either way, my goal is accomplished. Of course, you can try to kill me.” Solas smiled cruelly, “but I don’t think you can.”

 “How will you tear down the veil?” Thom asked, gripping his sword.

 Solas gazed back at Lavellan, his cruelness leaving him momentarily, “The orb…imparted its magic unto her. But…” He looked at Cullen momentarily before he gazed at the baby in Morrigan’s arms.

 Cullen followed his gaze. His anger twisted into disgust. “I said NO!”

 Cullen clapped his hands together, releasing his shockwave. It knocked everyone in the cave back and paralyzed the mages. When Morrigan hit the floor, Cullen’s daughter slipped from her grip. The mages writhed on the ground as they gasped for breath. Cullen swooped his daughter into his arms. Thom, recovering quickly, charged Solas, with his sword raised. Once he got close, he swung his sword down but it clanged against an invisible barrier. Thom flew backwards.

“Cole, Thom!” He beckoned.

 Cole and Thom recovered quickly and rushed to Cullen’s side. Cullen led them to the eluvian.

 Solas looked up and gasped, shocked at Cullen’s power, “Cole…”

 “No. I will not help you do this. It’s not right.” Cole replied, sensing Solas’s desperation.

 “You can’t go through there…you don’t know…”

 “Shut UP!” Cullen shouted, “What I do know, is that you need this eluvian to complete your purpose. So you know what I’m going to do?” Cullen turned his back on Solas and walked to the eluvian.

 “No!” Solas yelled. He was starting to recover form Cullen’s shockwave.

 Cullen placed a hand on the eluvian’s glass. It warped and moved at his touch. It reminded him of his time in the fade. He looked down at his daughter, who now cried in his arms. He wanted to do whatever was in his power to save his child. He looked at Thom and Cole.

 “Ready?” He asked them.

 “You want to go…in there?” Thom asked, disbelieving.

 Cole replied for Cullen, “He seeks escape..for a chance to rescue _her_. He knows we won’t win against Solas now, even with his new powers.”

 Cullen nodded, “We destroy this on the other side.”

 “Can we even do that?” Thom said, bewildered.

 Cullen glanced at the mages, they were starting to recover…it would be any moment before they attacked them. His gaze turned towards Lavellan’s body.

  _Goodbye..._

Cullen exhaled deeply, strengthening his resolve. “I’m going.” Cullen walked through the eluvian.

“Maker’s balls,” Thom exhaled. He took a deep breath, and followed Cullen through.

Cole walked up to the eluvian, placing a hand on its glass. He took one last look at Solas, “I wished to help you…but their pain pulls at me more than yours. I think you’re wrong.”

Solas’s eyes pleaded with Cole to remain…to not turn against him. Cole turned his back, and crossed over. 

After a few more moments, Solas, Merrill, and Morrigan were able to move again. Merrill attempted to attack Solas, shouting a curse at him, but Solas waved his hand and turned her to stone. Morrigan stood silently, unable to exact her will against him.

He ran to the eluvian, hoping to catch up to Cullen. As he was about to touch the eluvian, it suddenly turned black.

“NO!” He screamed. The eluvian’s blackened glass shattered into a million little pieces. The doorway was gone. He fell to his knees, banging his fists against the ground. After a time, he looked towards Lavellan’s body.

“Come,” he said to Morrigan as he rose to his feet. He walked to Lavellan’s body and picked her up into his arms.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Morrigan asked, unsure if she really wanted to know.

He stared down upon Lavellan’s still face, “There might be another way.” He then looked at Morrigan, his face dark, “We’ll need to make use of your _abilities_. You do know blood magic, yes?”

Morrigan nodded slowly, regretting on her insistence to drink from the Well of Sorrows.

* * *

_Elle,_

_I pray that somehow…you can hear me, feel me, or…something.... that maybe you can look down on us. It brings me small comfort to think that perhaps you still exist in this world, in some form. After all we’ve seen, that doesn’t seem to be the most far-fetched idea._

_I wanted to tell you, that our daughter is…remarkable. She is so much like you – your fiery spirit, your beauty, and your intellect. However she does take after me as well, exhibiting my finer qualities such as my stubbornness and awkwardness._

_She is a mage…of great talent...and before you ask…no, I did not send her to a circle. In fact, there are no circles anymore. The world has changed so much._

_It hasn’t been easy. Far from it. On the day you died, I shattered into a million little pieces. The world ripped you from me. It forced our daughter to grow up without ever knowing her mother’s touch, her smell, her love. Even after all this time… I’ve struggled to pick up the fractured pieces of my heart. But…if you taught me anything in the last few months of your life, it was that we fight, so that our children might survive. That is all that drives me now._

_I’ve done my best with her Elle. I haven’t been the best father I could have hoped for. Despite my shortfalls, she has done well. I will give that credit to you, for passing on your resolve. And a lot of credit is due to old friends. Friends, without whom, we would not have survived in this new world._

_Thom Rainier has grown to become my best friend (can you believe it?) and like an uncle to her. He has been a pillar of strength in times that I could not be, there are days where my despair gets the better of me._

_Cole...I've never understood the boy, but he, in his fashion, has been a blessing. He is like a brother to our daughter. She has taken a shine to him, like a lost puppy. It's cute...and somewhat disturbing. But Cole is a respectful boy. I trust him, implicitly._

_I miss you._

_Terribly._

_I cannot wait for the day I get to be reunited with you. But that time is not now._

_I will keep fighting for a world you believed in. A world that we could have raised our daughter in, together._

_I love you, eternally._

_Cullen_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I ended on a cliffhanger...essentially. I felt this was true to how stories are told in the Dragon Age universe. The "hero's" tale is done. A new hero will rise. There are a lot of unanswered questions. It leaves room for a sequel, for sure.
> 
> This has been a beneficial exercise in writing. I know I'm very rusty...verrrry rusty. But I intend to improve it. This was a first step.
> 
> Thank you for stopping by and reading. I appreciate any feedback if you have it.
> 
> Dareth Shiral.


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